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Got a mammogram today. Last time I had one of these I was still drunk from the night before and my friend was waiting for me with a big Mac meal. She was still drunk as well. Absolutely hanging out of our arses.

It's a pity they can't do a mammogram on my leg to see what's going on there

I'm going to experiment and try hormonal birth control pills.

Since my 'natural' fluctuations are getting in my way with how I want to act.
Since every weekly changes ruins whatever I had built over a week and unable to pick up where I left because I 'forget' due to this background whining of my body.
Since it's been making me run in damn circles for damn years. Step 1, step 2... Never going beyond step 3, never able to stick them because I'm suddenly "too lazy" or "too much".

Too tired to fight my damn body -- I already tried that for years. I might as well find a way to shut it up instead.


If I describe my symptoms leads to head talks and dismissals, might as well just take the matter in my own hands.

I can talk about it, but I'm just too frustrated to take another stupid remark on how that's "normal" for every women. That I should 'adapt'.
I fricking cannot.

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Yeah I know. It's like saying that you should suffer just because something is normal.

Painful childbirth is normal so does that mean you shouldn't have pain relief.

I think women put up with so much pain and anxiety and stuff and it's mainly due to hormones. I think we deserve a break sometimes

I think it's weird how I'm a female, I was born a female and I'm 51 years old yet I don't feel like I have women's issues.

I mean I must do at some level but it's like as if when I'm in the company of women I just do not relate to anything that they're talking about or going through.

Like even when I went into labour with my daughter; it was like I just sailed through it. I didn't want any fuss or attention. It was a job and I had to do it. No drama. So when women are going on and on about childbirth and stuff like that; my only thought on that is that I've had more painful tattoos.

I obviously don't say these things out loud. It'd be more than my f*****g life's worth

I think different people experience pain differently - not just in terms of tolerance but in the sensations themselves. I’ve heard that each labor and delivery is different too although I’ve only had one. When I was in labor, my hospital room had a nightmarish, torture chamber feel to it. It was almost sinister. Of course, I had some complications which didn’t help. After he was born, the room had a completely different aspect although my life still hung in the balance.

Yeah I know and I do appreciate that some women go through absolute hell trying to get a baby out but I just can't relate to it. I struggle to relate to most things that women go through. It's like as if the things that affect women's lives just don't have an impact on mine.

To be honest though I wasn't really allowed to have those natural feelings and emotions when I was younger so that maybe why

It's interesting to me that in almost all of the short stories I have written, I have done so from the point of view of a male narrator and protagonist. There are a couple of exceptions though. The story I'm working on atm has a female protagonist.

If I'm going to wear a swim wear, I would like a modest swimsuit.


Yes, I want one that with fully covered torso, has leggings under the skirt, and long sleeved more than covered up than 'conservative' swimwear.
But it's so pricy to get one...

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At least my mammogram came back clear. It was only a routine check up anyway.

I prefer having cramps and gut issues with the ability to ignore and overrule it -- where I'm in charged and not my body, over the seemingly lack of symptoms yet unable to ignore and overrule anything in my body and head.


At the moment, I think... I gained a bra size.
Self imposed change of newly taking BCs, or that's just the typical aging response concerning weight gain and fat distribution.

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Man, i love waking up soaked in period blood-
No i don’t.

Hmm... Today is my day 14 on taking birth control pills.

It's funny.
I'm leaning towards alexithymic.
And more emotional at the same time.



But I can still discern. I'm still very sensitive to my own physiological states and symptoms.

Yet no more emotional overwhelming my head, no more 'chest burning' feeling as if I'm going to explode, no more urge to stop myself because I don't feel overwhelmed and no longer prone to do something stupid.

My feelings no longer sway too much of my thoughts anymore. The worst of triggers just feels like a a tension headache.


Yeah, I think I like this.
And I think I really like where this is going.
I just had to learn how to live and function this way of course; this is a major change but a more welcome and comfortable one.


Other than liking sleep by being less painful...
Maybe... Maybe emotions, too.
After for so, so damn long since childhood, worsen by puberty, barely improved by age.


So... Yeah.
I might become an emotional alexithymic.
Minus the manual body scans and flow charts -- because for most of my life, it's a forced constant/automatic 'practice'.

Maybe minus the unwanted dysregulation for being overwhelmed by it for a very, very long time.

I can still predict my triggers thanks to the unwarranted state of being a full blown emotional for a good portion of my life time so far...

But this contrast is GREAT.

I'm still way more in touch with my body in a sense like how autistics hear constantly and without filter.
I still laugh, cry, get angry... More often now, yet way less painful or less prone into sideways.

But at least...
It's way less distracting and way less cacophonic but still notable enough to let me say that I can choose when or when not to accomodate it.
I no longer need to put whatever stuff that triggered away or deny myself whenever I feel something due to the possibility of going impulsive.

Haha.
Hahahaha.
Hahahahahahahaha.

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^ Your partner is a lucky woman.