For those who have mothers on the spectrum

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Growing up I had many of the traits associated with girls on the spectrum,* including dramatic meltdowns in public. And yet, my primary care taker-my mother-never thought that they were particularly odd because she could tell exactly why I was behaving the way I was. She too tended to feel overwhelmed by the attention of large crowds and had a tendency to be shy and sensitive (apparently her paternal grandmother was much the same, refusing even to leave her house unless she had company).

After meeting my autistic husband I pursued and obtained a diagnosis for myself. Unlike myself, my husband was diagnosed as a teenager, with his neurotypical mother serving as the main impetus for the diagnosis. As his primary care taker, she had always thought that something was different about him, even though his symptoms were not that different from mine, which my own mother considered to be normal (being the only daughter in our family, she also attributed it to me being a girl). After I met my husband and began suspecting that I too might be on the spectrum, the professionals that I spoke to generally took one look at me and voiced their agreement that I was quite likely autistic.

Yet somehow this was never brought to my attention for the first 24 years of my life. Granted, I grew up in small town where the school officials may not have been appraised of the more recent developments in the DSM, but I have wondered if my mother had not herself been an undiagnosed autistic woman (she has since agreed that she is likely on the spectrum) that I myself may have had access to more support as a young person. On the other hand, because I was raised by an autistic mother who understood me, I grew up with a strong sense of my worth as an individual (I did not have the negative experience of professionals telling me that I was broken and needed to become a different person in order to fit into society). I was bullied a lot as a younger person, because I was different and I wonder a diagnosis would have made it worse or better. I wonder if it would have been worse if I had had professionals telling me that I was being bullied because there was something wrong with me, or if it would have been better if had been diagnosed and had professionals who would reaffirm that my difference was valid while also teaching me skills to survive in a hostile environment.

I would like to invite others whose parents/care takers were also on the spectrum to share their experiences of growing up. Some topics for consideration might include: How did your parents/guardians regard your autistic traits? How did having autistic care takers impact your perception of yourself?

I am posting this in the woman's section due the recognized fact that women are particularly likely to not receive a diagnosis as a young person and may therefore be more likely to deal with issues of growing up undiagnosed, as I did. Additionally, as mothers have been more likely than fathers to be primary care takers of children, I am interested in the relationship between autistic mothers and daughters, including how having an autistic female role-model shapes a girl's notions of femininity ( mymother always saw herself as being part male). My mother has often said that of her three children (two sons and a daughter) I am the most like her. My father is very neurotypical and my brothers are more so as well, so being the two female autistics in our family my mother and I have always had a close bond. I am curious to hear if others have had similar experiences.



*http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/images/img244154ad237783e339.JPG

My mother isn't diagnosed with an ASC, and I never really thought of her as being on the spectrum, but I guess it could explain some of her quirks and challenges.

She never pursued any help for me, but I think most of my challenges were unknown to her. Not just that she thought they were normal--she was completely unaware they existed. This may be partially due to my evil step-father being the primary caretaker. Speaking of the evil-stepfather, he may be the reason that many of my traits or challenges she did notice were interpreted as discipline problems or misbehavior.

She did consider it normal and positive that I'm a huge introvert, even when other people tried to argue otherwise. After hearing what some other introverts' had to deal with from their parents, I have to say I'm grateful.

My mother was always so shy whenever guests came to visit. Dealing with them was often too stressful for her so she would hide out in her bedroom while my dad talked to them. I usually hid with her. I recall one of my brothers saying that it was "uncool" that we all ran and hid when guests arrived. But my mom and I didn't really care about being cool so we didn't pay him any mind.

It's clear to me now that my mum is on the spectrum. We are similar in a lot of ways but very different in others. My mum will not accept there is anything wrong with her, or with me for that matter. She doesn't even realise how different she is or that she offends people unintentionally. She has always believed I was "a naughty child". Yes I was rebellious because I've always needed to know why I should or shouldn't do something rather than just blindly doing what I'm told and people rarely explained anything to me as a child. My mum is happy to conform to what society dictates but I am not, at least not unless I can see a good reason. We don't speak anymore because it hurts me she's ashamed for others to know I have ASD and when I try to talk to her about her having this she just says "no no I don't want to know" and refuses to discuss

I am sorry to hear that. When I first told my mother that I thought I was on the spectrum she seemed to blame herself for giving me bad genes. I suppose it is understandable, since historically a lot of blame has been placed on the mother for her children's autism (refrigerator mother theory and the like). Your mother may feel that your diagnosis of ASD suggests that she was a bad mother, or that she is somehow to blame. There is also a lot of stigma attached to autism itself. My mother suspects that many of her brothers are on the spectrum but when she asked one of them, he was very offended that she would make the suggestion.

I can only hope that with advances in autism advocacy emphasizing that autism is not a tragedy, but a natural part of the human experience experience, that families of autistic individuals will not feel the need to be ashamed.