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HurricaneRae
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08 Sep 2007, 5:58 am

I have finally admitted to myself that I am totally afraid of romantic relationships with men. I have no idea what they expect from me or how to act, but most importantly...I'm really afraid of the physical aspect. I simply fear having to deal with that first attempt he makes to kiss me or more. I know my anxiety about only makes things worse. I'm actual ashamed to admitt this, I feel like such a freak. I just wanted to share it with some women who might understand.

-Rae



mojo123
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08 Sep 2007, 12:27 pm

I am a 38 years old, and have been celibate for 4 years after my divorce. I have two boys which we share custody. She was my high school sweetheart and I have never dated, it scares the sh*t out of me.

Every man and woman is unique, and it is harder for people with AS to date and maintain relationships. Use your woman's intuition, close your eyes, and try to see where we are coming from. Men can be gods or dogs. Ask a lot of questions and know what you are looking for, not everyone is compatible and everyone has good days and bad days. Think about what you want in a relationship and explain it to the men, if they don't understand, they probably aren't the right ones.

You can love someone, but you have to love yourself first. It should be reciprocated. You can't love or hate something about another unless you love/hate it in yourself.

1. Believe in yourself
2. Be good to yourself
3. Never give up
4. Believe that God has a plan for you and everyone.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endevours,

mojo123



LadyMahler
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08 Sep 2007, 1:22 pm

Hi HurricaneRae

Please don't be ashamed, and you are not a freak. At all. The level of intimacy physical contact in a romantic context brings to us, is huge. It is mindblowing. Your feelings are completely validated.

I have a male aspie friend who I suspect is very much the same (we're just friends, so I really don't have any inside knowledge! Also don't want to pry, but I know, without asking, that he would probably be very, very scared of physical contact). It is not so much intimacy - I think one can love and understand another at a very deep level, but still fear that first touch or kiss. Intimacy is so much deeper than physical contact.

If you have a good friend that you really, really trust, you may ask that person to help you desensitize you from kissing (you can show him this post)! Or, you can find an aspie guy, who would probably also be scared at first, someone that is prepared to take things sooooo slow, like, the first hug happens at six months! (just joking, you get NT guys like that too!)

Just remember: you are ok to be the way you are. And it is ok to just want to be friends until you decide otherwise. The right guy will respect this, and give you all the time you need. All you have to do, is share your feelings with him when the situation arises, and make sure he understands that it must be taken seriously and that he must respect it. And always give him the option to just be friends: it shows that you also respect his needs. Just trust that the right thing will happen at the right time.



hartzofspace
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09 Sep 2007, 1:31 am

Oh, I was that way for a long time! I never really got the hang of it - the intimacy, I mean. So, now I'm back to celibacy and solitude. I sometimes feel wistful, wondering if I'm missing out on something great, but haven't the foggiest clue how I would go about finding out :roll: So, I remain alone.


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LadyMacbeth
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09 Sep 2007, 9:59 pm

Dating yes. Relationships no.

I used to just get drunk when dating ppl. It worked for me as it calmed me down. Not that it's a good piece of advice!


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Ticker
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10 Sep 2007, 12:24 am

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Everyone is different and everyone should be entitled to be themselves. Too many people see dating and relationships more as a competition and they end up damaging themselves and others.

If you aren't comfortable with intimacy, then don't let anyone force you into it. And don't allow yourself to get into those situations where it might be forced on you if you don't want it. If you do want to learn intimacy, then find another sympathetic soul to practice with.

I suggest really looking inward at yourself and reflecting on what you want and don't want. I feel a wee bit stupid at 38 that it JUST NOW dawned on me a theme that has repeated itself throughout my life is that I don't like to be pursued. I like to be the one pursuing.



LKL
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10 Sep 2007, 1:59 am

I would never have been able to get into any kind of relationship if I hadn't taken up aikido. It helped me get used to contact, but more importantly it helped me to learn the difference between agressive and friendly touch and helped me learn to physically trust other people in a non-intimate context.

Even now, I don't know that I'd be able to date someone unless I'd trained with them first. A lot of hidden agression/dominant behavior comes out in the dojo, and a lot of people that you would think would be agressive turn out to be soft and self-controlled.



LKL
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10 Sep 2007, 2:01 am

mojo123 wrote:
Use your woman's intuition...


We have aspergers.
We don't have social intuition - women's or otherwise.



Beenthere
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10 Sep 2007, 8:30 am

Quote:
I have finally admitted to myself that I am totally afraid of romantic relationships with men. I have no idea what they expect from me or how to act.


Me too. It's been over a year since I broke up with my ex...I have no desire to date, not even considering it....the thought terrifies the living he$$ out of me.


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ArcAngel06
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11 Sep 2007, 7:29 am

quote="HurricaneRae"]I have finally admitted to myself that I am totally afraid of romantic relationships with men. I have no idea what they expect from me or how to act, but most importantly...I'm really afraid of the physical aspect. I simply fear having to deal with that first attempt he makes to kiss me or more. I know my anxiety about only makes things worse. I'm actual ashamed to admitt this, I feel like such a freak. I just wanted to share it with some women who might understand.

-Rae[/quote]



I can really understand how you feel and how you cannot really pinpoint the source of your fear because I am exactly the same.

I a married very young (16) and after I seperated from my husband I really havent been able to form a physical bond with another male. I want to but once they start touching me or looking at me that certain way I freak out.

Its become so bad that when recently invited to go motorbike riding with a male friend I liked (something I used to love doing with my ex) I had an embarrassing amount of trouble just touching him and holding his waist so I didnt fall off the bike altogther.

Seriously and I know it sounds a little funny I found myself juggling wether to hold on to him or take my chances as to wether I would fall off on the road and afterwards when I got home I cried for about 2 hours afterwards because no matter how I tried I couldn't rationalise my actions or fear. What was worse was that the guy thought I had lied to him and never been on a bike before and I tried but I couldn't really tell him the truth without sounding pathetic

I dont know the answers- I really dont, but I can tell you that this type of fear once a man senses it (and believe me they do) is going to send the average male running for the hills.

I am trying now to visualise events now before I go on a date in a bid to try to desensitise myself to the fear. I read some stuff on curing phobias and I am going to try that type of approach and see if I can de-stress a little and relax.

I will keep you posted if you are interested, cheer up you are not alone and if you are weird you better move over because I am too :P



HurricaneRae
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17 Sep 2007, 4:11 pm

Thank you all for the responses.

I feel these fears are worse now than when I was younger because as an adult it seems that sex is a requirement of dating after what I feel to be a short period of time. When I was younger, it seemed to me there was less pressure about it. Guys were inexperienced or more accepting of the fact that I was. But now that I am out of college, everyone is expected to be sexually mature. I really am not and I know my Asperger's is the primary reason.

I also can't be comfortable enough to be physical with a person having only known them for a couple months. I just think it's ridiculous that I should be expected to be. All but one of the guys I've ever been physical with I had known for sometime before even kissing them, not dating, but at least knew them.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am asexual because I just don't feel attracted to most the people I have dated. I don't force myself to be physical when I'm not attracted. That is NOT the issue. I am very much confident enough to withstand pressure from a guy for sex. However, when I am attracted and comfortable, I definately want sex. So, me being asexual doesn't seem right.

I want to have someone in my life, but I 100% can't see how I will ever find another person. I'm ok with being alone and have accepted it, but just wish I didn't have to.



hartzofspace
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17 Sep 2007, 5:02 pm

HurricaneRae wrote:
I want to have someone in my life, but I 100% can't see how I will ever find another person. I'm ok with being alone and have accepted it, but just wish I didn't have to.


I hear you, HurricaneRae. I feel the same.


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lonelyLady
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06 Oct 2007, 1:41 am

I can totally understand you. my last relationship was very traumatic, and I have a hard time trusting men ever since. I decided that I want to be a guy's friend before I am his girlfriend. if a guy doesn't accept this or tries to pressure me to move faster, I run away. my advice to you is to find a guy that you can be friends with, and just see where the friendship takes you. when you fall in love with a guy, you will probably want the physical aspect of the relationship too. stay away from those aggressive dominating men who try to force themselves on you. and yes, it IS possible to find guys who can be just friends with you. I have a number of guy friends; I am in love with one of them, but he doesn't feel the same way :(. oh well. please don't feel like a freak!! !



HurricaneRae
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06 Oct 2007, 2:47 am

lonelyLady wrote:
I have a number of guy friends; I am in love with one of them, but he doesn't feel the same way :(


I'm in the same situation. i even moved 300 miles away from him and still feel the same way. He broke up with his girl friend, but I sense that relationship will never be over. They have "broken up" several times. *sigh*



affengeil
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06 Oct 2007, 5:01 pm

I'm afraid too. I was in a 3-year relationship (my longest) about 10 years ago, and have had no relationships that have lasted longer than 6 months since then. Most last only a couple months, if we manage to get past the first date.

I get really involved in a relationship, when I'm in one, and that freaks the guy out. Especially if we've been physically intimate. Now I tell myself that I won't sleep with a guy early in the dating process. Which ultimately means I rarely date, since that's essentially what most guys, in my experience, are after.

These days, I get really anxious if a guy I don't know/don't know well asks me out, because on the one hand--I am lonely and probably need to get out more, but on the other hand--it usually ends with me feeling used (at best) or getting my heart ripped out (at worst).

Fear: the bane of my existence.


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fivecents
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11 Oct 2007, 9:37 pm

Wow, trust your instinct. Don't over think sex, but don't go with something that doesn't feel right for you regardless of sociatial pressure. When you fnd the right person, it happens naturally in both of your times. Don't ruin things by thinking the worst before it happens, because love hurts but you learn about you and what you want and what you don't. As hard as it is, let it ride and go with the flow...