tocophobia?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a bit freaked out a coworker is pregnant. I have some weird phobia/dislike of children/gynae/sex things that the majority of people don't share. I've hit the age where everyone around me is obsessed with children, this was one of the few people who wasn't interested in children and I feel a bit betrayed. Workwise this isn't good (that's another story). I'm sick of the constant jibes from people about me having kids as I an newly married (well to partner of 10 years).

I feel upset that I'm years behind on the milestones other people have-basically because of my people difficulties. I'm 30, got a PhD and haven't got my first proper graduate job, missed out on most of the socialising people do between uni and having kids. Psychologically I feel I could wait a good 10 years, and yet physically I can't wait much longer. I feel a failure/very depressed because I can't do these things other people do. Currently there are a number of reasons I can't have kids. Careerwise I've not even landed a proper job without taking breaks and making it worse, let alone the issues I have with actually producing a baby/child birth.
My husband doesn't seem to understand at all and clearly wants kids despite me telling him repeatedly this may not happen. We just get in circular arguments about logic and he doesn't reassure/comfort me at all and thinks it will all be rosy/I will come round and doesn't seem to see the problem. There's no-one else I can talk to about this thinking about the female friends/acquaintances I have.

Men get so focused on reproduction that they tend to forget how much on an impact it will have on the one's carrying the baby and beyond. My best advise is that you 2 need to see a marrage councilor about this because it will only get worse unless he has an outside person to explain all of this to him. Because of your issues, you would be very prone to post partum depression or maybe even post partum psychosis. You should never purposly have kids unless you are ready for that kind of commitmemt

I know how you feel. 3 girls at work have gotten pregnant - one of them felt the need to try and tell me things I didn't want to know. Then they bring their child into work and expect me to want a hold and be all motherly. I don't want to hold, hear or smell babies.

2 of them are pregnant again now - it freaks me out just seeing them.

I also hate the "when are you having kids" "you're next" type of comments. Its like I'll be a failure as a woman if I fail to produce a child, whether I actually want one or not doesn't seem to be a choice.


Anyway, other than avoiding pregnant people and their babies, I don't have a good answer for you......

Do YOU want to carry a child? That is your choice because it is your body. No one, not even your partner, can dictate that for you. I personally don't want children. I get a lot of 'you're young, you'll change your mind' but the thought of it almost repulses me!

Yes all of that. My pet hate is public breastfeeding and the campaign of well you wouldn't eat in a toilet would you. I can't say how much I hate this. I feel I can't say anything to anyone as I'll come off as a bad person - who would not like children?! People are overly possessive about their own children. It's presumed everyone is accepting of them and I can't escape unless I never see people my age.
Sadly I can't avoid them. Yesterday I got stuck (out of 10 people) next to the kid in a restaurant with friends and it stole my chopsticks and kicked me so I kept inching away from it.

Good points about it being my choice and counselling. Given my general neuroses I am back to the Aspergers centre in a couple of months for help.

I'm so sorry. I read this as "tacophobia"...

Imaging that you strongly dislike children in almost any way...
And actually having a kid.

Now, that's hell I can tell you.

If you don't want kids, you should not have kids. I have four kids. I love my life with them and wouldn't wish it any other way. Some people are overwhelmed with just one kid. Some people have children and resent that poor kid all their lives just for existing because they really didn't want kids. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into pregnancy. This is an issue that should have been made clear before legally marrying your husband and his dismissal of your desire not to have children (and having the stones to argue it, citing logic over a personal, intimate choice of what one does with one's own body) is concerning. He really needs to be made aware that this kind of thing isn't cool.

For both the parent and the kid.

agreed! Ya this should have been brought up BEFORE marriage. I know a woman who never should have had kids. Her husband presured her into it, and she says everyday (in front of the kids) how she wishes that she never had kids and wondered what her life would have been like if she never had kids. Well it is no suprise that all 3 kids have been arrested for something. Her oldest is so messed up from his crazy childhood that he cant hold down a job, nor live with roomates for more than a few months. Even as an adult, he keeps moving back home because he is so violent and abusive towards others. All 3 of the boys have been on drugs at some point in their life. The mother still wishes she never had kids.

having kids is not a 19 year commitment, it is a lifetime commitment. If you feel that strongly about not having kids then you should never have kids. I am the same way, I dont want kids, they are loud, messy, smelly, and dont understand personal space. I cant stand feces to the point I gag if I smell it. I love kids as little human beings that deserve the best childhood that they can have, which I cannot offer them. I dont want to be responcible for f**king up someone for life, but that would be the end result. My dad did not want to have kids, but mom talked him into it, well 7 years later he gave me up for adoption to my stepfather. I still kept the same mother. See people think that once you have kids that your feelings will change. No they will not.
Some people have a desire to overpopulate the earth with their offspring, others like you have more sense.

The real logic in this situation is you not having kids because you really dont want to. I never seen a mother who did not want to have kids turn out to be the best mother they could be...they usually raised screwed up kids because they knew that they were not wanted.
I was a psychology major in college and I know enough child psychology to know that you and I are not compositionally suited to have children. If we did have kids, then they will be f**ked up for life.

the other logic is that the earth is over populated as it is, why add to it.

If all else fails and he refuses to listen to you, then you should get your tubes tied...that will be the end of the debate.
Ohh and you need to explain your dislike for children to the couselor and I promice she will take your side because chances are see has seen many kids in the mental health system that had mothers and/or fathers that wished they were never born.

Jojo

I know, right?

Though I've never really liked children at all, I really love my son
and I can't imagine living without him, anymore.
But I have to say I don't want another kid. I only want to spend my love on him.
(And my partner, but that's another kind of love, if you ask me.)

Yes, a partner is a different relationship; and, honestly, one that should always be prioritized below a child. That's another reason why having a child is serious business. It changes your relationship to everyone and you can only have people in your life who understand and accept that. Not everyone can do it and not everyone should. Can you imagine how well adjusted our society would be now if only people who wanted to have children had children?

I've said it in several other threads on here. I do not plan on having children at all...I'm too selfish and immature to take on such a huge responsibility. I also can't deal with having to put my child's needs before my own. I believe having children should be someone's personal decision only and your decision should not depend on your religion or what your other family members think. It should be based on what you feel your capable of doing.

Reproductive freedom also includes the freedom NOT to have children, if that's your desire.

Just be aware that you're swimming against the tide (not that swimming against the tide is an unusual situation for most of us here). Most women want children at some point in their lives. Not all by any means, but most.

The whole "mommy" persona is a very big deal to me just now because my two have recently left the nest, and now live half a country away. In some ways, that's just as traumatic as having them was in the first place.

Yeah, its like if you're a woman and are single and don't have children, you are considered a freak by NT women!

Yeah, I know. But you can't let it bother you. You can't control what other people think. And besides, anyone who is a quality human being isn't going to treat you like a freak over this.

It's your life, not theirs.