Page 1 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Spacedoubt
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 153

01 Aug 2009, 3:09 pm

So, I have a problem. Creepy men are drawn to me. Even last night, my 9-year-old daughter pointed this out to me.

I don't dress attractively, as she pointed out. I don't wear make-up. I strive to not attract men's attention. Still, they find me and follow me around.

I recently moved to another state in part because my mom's ex-husband was trying for the longest time to get with me. For years. I kept telling him that we would never be together because he was my mom's ex-husband, my step-dad, my kids' grandpa. He had fantasies that we would marry. He would grab my face and kiss me. He lied to people, including my mom, and told them we were a couple.

So, I move to another state, and immediately a bachelor twice my age starts trying to hang out with me. I can't check my mail or take my dog out to pee w/o him spotting me and trying to think of reasons for me to go to his place or something.

Last night, he grabbed my t-shirt and slowly read the logo that is across my breasts, as if that fascinated him. Clearly, to me, anyway, he was just trying to stare at my chest. It made me so uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do. Even when I tell a man no 2,000 times, they don't listen. I don't know what I am doing to make them think that I'm interested. I'm not.

Do I need to start wearing shirts that say, "I hate men" or "f**k off!"?

I'm being serious, though. The more I say no, the more creeps seem to just seek me and glom onto me. I'm not friendly.

What should I have done when he grabbed my shirt? I told him what it said and took my shirt back. That didn't discourage him, though. He grabbed it again, as though he didn't understand what I said.

This freaks me out.



Silver_Meteor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,601
Location: Warwick, Rhode Island

01 Aug 2009, 6:11 pm

I would report this guy to the police and let the bum know you want nothing to do with him.


_________________
Not through revolution but by evolution are all things accomplished in permanency.


MorbidMiss
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 333

01 Aug 2009, 6:40 pm

I agree! You have to report these things to the police! Do not even warn him that you are doing it. Tell him no, then if he does it again you call and file charges and get a restraining order.

Completely unacceptable!



Dhp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2007
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 635

01 Aug 2009, 7:10 pm

Call the police and press charges for sexual assault. Get that jerk in prison. How dare he touch you without permission! I personally show no remorse for those that abuses others. Let him rot in jail.



pekkla
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jun 2009
Age: 69
Gender: Female
Posts: 251
Location: Berkeley, CA

01 Aug 2009, 7:40 pm

I'm thinking you may project a friendly and possibly vulnerable personality. While this is good in lots of ways, it does draw creeps. I should know, as I still have this problem, in my fifties. If you are an aspie, you may not use the typical NT filter that keeps creeps at bay. I tend to let everything show on my face, which makes me seem naive and a doormat. Ask another woman if you seem naive. Find a male friend to walk with you when you go out. And yes, report the creep who is following you to the police.



CRD
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 704

01 Aug 2009, 7:58 pm

Yes report him now ! If he's already grabing you he and not respecting when you say no he more then likely will try to do something more to you and being far from home with only a little girl this creep sees you as easy prey. Also buy a stun gun or some mace better safe then sorry even a electric screamer. Oh and extra locks don't hurt ethier. Best of luck and stay safe



activebutodd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 May 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 828

02 Aug 2009, 10:26 am

pekkla wrote:
I'm thinking you may project a friendly and possibly vulnerable personality. While this is good in lots of ways, it does draw creeps. I should know, as I still have this problem, in my fifties. If you are an aspie, you may not use the typical NT filter that keeps creeps at bay. I tend to let everything show on my face, which makes me seem naive and a doormat. Ask another woman if you seem naive. Find a male friend to walk with you when you go out. And yes, report the creep who is following you to the police.

Yes, I come across as naive and friendly too, sometimes have this problem. I feel too nervous to go out and do things around people sometimes.


It's not ok for him to be pulling at your shirt, or even taking such an interest in what it says. You might need to be unfriendly and avoid him, even say angrily "don't touch me" and walk away if he grabs your shirt again. Don't just remove his hand telling him what it says like it's normal for him to be doing that (though he shouldn't have done it again, or in the first place.) Make it uncomfortable for him and leave because that is a rather aggressive and presumptuous advance.
He'll try and make a joke of it, but it's not a joke and you have to show you mean it. If he tries to get you to come to his house just say "no" and don't give reasons. If you do, he'll take it as you wanting to but for ___ reason. You don't have to be polite, it's usually good to be, but this is not the right situation for it.

Avoid him as much as possible.



Spacedoubt
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 153

02 Aug 2009, 12:03 pm

Thanks for the advice.

I think you all are right. I think I do come off as vulnerable and maybe naive (even though I am certainly not naive).

Even when I try to be hostile, it doesn't work. Once I caught a man in my yard, picking peaches, and I told him to go the f**k away, yelling, and he laughed and said he would when he was done. My voice is not intimidating.

I do carry pepper spray.



Spacedoubt
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 153

02 Aug 2009, 12:10 pm

pekkla wrote:
I'm thinking you may project a friendly and possibly vulnerable personality. While this is good in lots of ways, it does draw creeps. I should know, as I still have this problem, in my fifties. If you are an aspie, you may not use the typical NT filter that keeps creeps at bay. I tend to let everything show on my face, which makes me seem naive and a doormat. Ask another woman if you seem naive. Find a male friend to walk with you when you go out. And yes, report the creep who is following you to the police.


LOL that would be great advice, if I had friends.

I think that you are right. I really seem to have a problem with this. I was even stalked by a man who had done prison time for rape.

I honestly don't understand the difference between just making conversation at the mailbox and not being a jerk (which is what I think I'm doing) and giving these men whatever signs they think they're picking up on.

Why do they think I'm interested, when I certainly am not? Intellectually I understand the problem, but to actually recognize what I'm doing wrong and change it? No, there's a huge gap there.

At least there's the pepeer spray.



activebutodd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 May 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 828

02 Aug 2009, 12:25 pm

That's what got me into trouble. Still kind of does, even though I'm a tiny bit more aware now.

I've learned something weird - sometimes it's tolerated and acceptable to be borderline rude.
Well, not rude, but to act a bit 'I don't know you, so I'm not going to go out of my way to interact with you even if you talk to me'. The whole 'Whatever'. NTs do it unthinkingly all the time, while I have to uncomfortably fight my conditioning to do it and I'm always feeling like some stranger's going to yank me back and say "Look at me! Answer me! How dare you walk away when I'm talking to you!"

I'm trying to remind myself that I don't owe instant polite total attention to any man who cares to push himself in front of me. If you do it out of politeness or friendliness, many men can take it as whatever signal they want it to be, consciously or not. It seems to be expected that if you're not romantically interested, you will act totally dismissive and not respond.
NB. Sometimes someone won't take no for an answer even if you do give him the 'brush off', but this is a general rule of thumb.

This standard of behaviour is very strange to me and seems to assume that men are only after one thing, but I have learned that I need to obey it.



Spacedoubt
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 153

02 Aug 2009, 8:32 pm

That is really good advice. I feel like I should print that out and hang it on my fridge.

"I don't owe instant polite total attention to any man who puts himself in front of me." "It's OK to be rude and dismissive."

I think that really is the core of the problem. I am just trying to be polite. Nothing more. But they seem to think that if I'm not shocking them with a tazer, I want them to hump my leg.



activebutodd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 May 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 828

04 Aug 2009, 3:44 pm

I know what you mean. :? I felt like I had to be polite to a guy today when he was asking how I was because he was one of my neighbours, when I'd truly rather stay away from him. Next time I'll just say 'ok' and leave, but I was waiting for something.

Then on my way back from a dr's appointment I had another guy trying to tell me how 'lovely' my hair was, and doing that thing where they dance to keep up next to you as you're walking. I was wearing baggy blue jeans, a particularly bad break out, and my hair was scraped back into elastic. :roll: I refused to even break stride or look at him. Hell, I don't know him.



MorbidMiss
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 333

04 Aug 2009, 3:59 pm

Spacedoubt wrote:

Even when I try to be hostile, it doesn't work. Once I caught a man in my yard, picking peaches, and I told him to go the f**k away, yelling, and he laughed and said he would when he was done. My voice is not intimidating.

I do carry pepper spray.


Don't talk to those people, just put up a no trespassing sign and if someone goes into your yard call the police and tell them there is a suspicious person lingering in your yard. (even if you think they look normal)

activebutodd wrote:
Then on my way back from a dr's appointment I had another guy trying to tell me how 'lovely' my hair was, and doing that thing where they dance to keep up next to you as you're walking. I was wearing baggy blue jeans, a particularly bad break out, and my hair was scraped back into elastic. Rolling Eyes I refused to even break stride or look at him. Hell, I don't know him.


Here is the sick and annoying part of it broken down. There are a lot of guys who will go for someone who is not dressed up and looking frumpy because they feel they have a better chance of getting them. When I lived in Tulsa, if I was dressed up and wore makeup while I was taking public transportation then guys would leave me alone. If I was out doing errands in jeans and a tee shirt, hair pulled back in a pony tail and not wearing makeup, they felt I was "in their league". It would piss me off so much because there I was trying to do shopping or do research at the library and then get back home... I was dressed to indicate that I was not looking for attention, but I could not shake them. Hell, even if I were walking on the sidewalk minding my own business I kept getting people trying to talk to me or offer me rides to where I was going. (Not nicely either, with creepy smiles as if to say, "You want some candy little girl?")

It got to the point where I just went everywhere (even the grocery store) Goth'd out and scowled at every male that even looked at me for two seconds. It was the only way to get some peace. (I am not even "Hot" in my opinion, guys in OK are just socially retarded in general)



CRD
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 704

04 Aug 2009, 4:13 pm

I had sprinkers in one yard were people liked to gather it was a corner lot and some werid teenage boy took to standing in my yard and staring at my house so I started turning them on when this happened you can get some that you can work from inside the house. A hose would also work nicely to drive the creeps out of your yard.



activebutodd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 May 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 828

04 Aug 2009, 4:20 pm

MorbidMiss wrote:
It got to the point where I just went everywhere (even the grocery store) Goth'd out and scowled at every male that even looked at me for two seconds. It was the only way to get some peace. (I am not even "Hot" in my opinion, guys in OK are just socially retarded in general)


8O Ok. And there I was being afraid to goth up because I thought it would bring too much attention! It has brought land mines of attention to me in the past when I lived in hick town. I'm nervous to do it now even living in a really bohemian area, because there seems to be this perception that goth girls are all kinky or slu*ty. Yes guys we are all wild vixens. :roll:

It seems whether I am frumpy or showy, I just can't win.