10 Oct 2019, 8:28 am
Amity wrote:
Ok so I made some progress in therapy regarding my sleep patterns. There were segments of relevent information available to me at different points in time, but I had never held them all together in my mind to piece them together before.
I wont go into too much detail here, I will keep that for the members forum should I feel the need to write about it.
I knew the waking anxious was a habit learned from my early school years, or the light sleeping as a necessity.
What I've learned is that the waking anxious is also coming from the breakdown I experienced (even the strongest and most resilient would have had one in these circumstances... a normal human response to cumulative extreme/traumatic situations).
The morning fears are that people will realise that my outward presentation does not match my abilities. I've written before about the difference between skills and abilities. A few years after my brain flipped the safety switch and shut down parts of itself per se, I learned that I had previously mistaken learned skills for innate abilities.
The learned skills were something I grieved the loss of, also that so much energy, a short lifetime of it was wasted on transient skills.
On an aside and focusing on moving forward, I've narrowed down the options and I'm applying for further study to facilitate a career change (I'd rather not say what just yet)
Be well to anyone reading and thank you for the responses BlazingStar and SharonB
I wont go into too much detail here, I will keep that for the members forum should I feel the need to write about it.
I knew the waking anxious was a habit learned from my early school years, or the light sleeping as a necessity.
What I've learned is that the waking anxious is also coming from the breakdown I experienced (even the strongest and most resilient would have had one in these circumstances... a normal human response to cumulative extreme/traumatic situations).
The morning fears are that people will realise that my outward presentation does not match my abilities. I've written before about the difference between skills and abilities. A few years after my brain flipped the safety switch and shut down parts of itself per se, I learned that I had previously mistaken learned skills for innate abilities.
The learned skills were something I grieved the loss of, also that so much energy, a short lifetime of it was wasted on transient skills.
On an aside and focusing on moving forward, I've narrowed down the options and I'm applying for further study to facilitate a career change (I'd rather not say what just yet)
Be well to anyone reading and thank you for the responses BlazingStar and SharonB
Please know that I'm following this thread, and others you've begun, but I haven't been able to articulate a comprehensive response because of my own roadblocks pertaining to anxiety and CPTSD. I have such profound alexithymia that I can't identify and describe my feelings, or express in them in a meaningful post, beyond chicken scratch. Regardless, I've gained invaluably from reading your updates. I'm motivated by your revelations and especially by your desire to pursue a career change via further study.
Congrats on this breakthrough. Please keep us updated as you illuminate your path forward.
10 Oct 2019, 5:04 pm
Isabella I tip my hat to you, just posting on this topic again took more effort than I would have understood or appreciated before I started this thread. Thank you for your kind words 
10 Oct 2019, 5:08 pm
SharonB wrote:
Amity wrote:
On an aside and focusing on moving forward, I've narrowed down the options and I'm applying for further study to facilitate a career change
That's a really big aside which would apply to my situation also (if I narrowed down my options, which I haven't - hence my continued excitement which reads to me as anxiety
). The easy-going of my friends and family say all in good time. I am tempted to believe that.Again, glad for the beneficial discoveries.
It's taken me at least a year and a half to narrow it down, I've been close before, but there were barriers to those directions, so it was back to square one... quite a few times.
10 Oct 2019, 6:57 pm
Amity wrote:
It's taken me at least a year and a half to narrow it down, I've been close before, but there were barriers to those directions, so it was back to square one... quite a few times.
I hit a year and a half last month since I declared I needed a new job. I am almost to the tipping point. It's funny b/c I am known as a woman of action and for being generally impatient, but this... If one can busily take their time, that's me!
I'm reading Confidence Gap and the Confidence Code... Personally I think there's a threshold for taking action... perhaps I stand far on one side and then leap from there far into the other... with a gulf of anxiety (back to topic) in the middle... I can see that behavior in my past... and here it is in my present. And I accept that about me and will trust my "method" if it's not hurting me or others. And of course the acceptance will reduce the anxiety, so there!
15 Oct 2019, 2:30 am
17 Oct 2019, 6:22 am
languagehopper wrote:
To me accepting anxiety needs to be balanced. I have gone to extremes both with pushing through it and with withdrawing to avoid it. The first resulted in burnout the second in isolating me entirely fulfilling my self prophesy that no-one would ever want to know me.
Recognising that there is not just one form of anxiety is helpful. Some of it is affected by external things such as diet and whether you move enough. I can hugely reduce my physical anxiety by keeping active and avoiding trigger foods. That skin crawling need to shake my arms and the sense of dread sitting on my head is largely external and I don't have to accept it. Harder to deal with is the internal programmed by life expectations of difficulty. The knowledge that the world works in ways that are intensely unpleasant for me and that if I do something it will lead to yet more unpleasantness creates its own anxiety.
I know speaking to people leads to them misunderstanding me and making demands on me that I don't want to give in to. I have good reasons to believe this is the case because it has happened so often. Perhaps anxiety is the wrong word for this as it is based on certainty rather than speculation but it is the route of my social anxiety. I didn't start off afraid of people; I became afraid of people for good reasons.
I have had enough misery and avoiding more seems only logical. But complete avoidance makes things worse, in fact it triggers physical anxiety symptoms similar to the ones triggered when I force myself to do things I know won't end well. Damned if you do damned if you don't... except it is possible to sometimes find a balance, a moment when you suddenly find yourself able to do something you normally couldn't. I am learning to be open to these moments in order to make progress but not to get too attached to that progress as it then raises the spector of the wall beyond which I have no routine to anchor myself in. I need to keep my thoughts in check because there are too many variables and most thoughts are never going to come true so why let them torment myself.
Overthinking myself into paralysis is my biggest problem. The best tool against anxiety is living in the moment and taking the best step forward that you can whilst being kind to yourself. The future will happen entirely differently than we can predict so don't stress about it. We live in the present not the future. I avoid thinking about what I should do and focus on what I can do. I also avoid blaming other people. Being human is bloody difficult.
Even NT people have human cognitive apparatus strapped on to the basic mammalian nervous system. Expecting them to understand us when they don't understand themselves is asking too much. Yes we have particular problems because of living in a world that seems better suited to them but it isn't actually designed for them it just emerged from the chaos favouring them. It isn't actually ideal for anyone and luck plays a huge part in who succeeds and who doesn't. Blaming other people is a dead end, you can't change them but you can to some extent help yourself.
Recognising that there is not just one form of anxiety is helpful. Some of it is affected by external things such as diet and whether you move enough. I can hugely reduce my physical anxiety by keeping active and avoiding trigger foods. That skin crawling need to shake my arms and the sense of dread sitting on my head is largely external and I don't have to accept it. Harder to deal with is the internal programmed by life expectations of difficulty. The knowledge that the world works in ways that are intensely unpleasant for me and that if I do something it will lead to yet more unpleasantness creates its own anxiety.
I know speaking to people leads to them misunderstanding me and making demands on me that I don't want to give in to. I have good reasons to believe this is the case because it has happened so often. Perhaps anxiety is the wrong word for this as it is based on certainty rather than speculation but it is the route of my social anxiety. I didn't start off afraid of people; I became afraid of people for good reasons.
I have had enough misery and avoiding more seems only logical. But complete avoidance makes things worse, in fact it triggers physical anxiety symptoms similar to the ones triggered when I force myself to do things I know won't end well. Damned if you do damned if you don't... except it is possible to sometimes find a balance, a moment when you suddenly find yourself able to do something you normally couldn't. I am learning to be open to these moments in order to make progress but not to get too attached to that progress as it then raises the spector of the wall beyond which I have no routine to anchor myself in. I need to keep my thoughts in check because there are too many variables and most thoughts are never going to come true so why let them torment myself.
Overthinking myself into paralysis is my biggest problem. The best tool against anxiety is living in the moment and taking the best step forward that you can whilst being kind to yourself. The future will happen entirely differently than we can predict so don't stress about it. We live in the present not the future. I avoid thinking about what I should do and focus on what I can do. I also avoid blaming other people. Being human is bloody difficult.
Even NT people have human cognitive apparatus strapped on to the basic mammalian nervous system. Expecting them to understand us when they don't understand themselves is asking too much. Yes we have particular problems because of living in a world that seems better suited to them but it isn't actually designed for them it just emerged from the chaos favouring them. It isn't actually ideal for anyone and luck plays a huge part in who succeeds and who doesn't. Blaming other people is a dead end, you can't change them but you can to some extent help yourself.
It is difficult to do things knowing from experience that it will cause an anxious reaction, avoidance kicks in with me when I've had over exposure to stressful experiences, even with things are are necessary for basic survival. When I've had enough my health sends me a big warning sign and makes me pay attention.
Yes there are forces at play which we can usually control or mitigate the effects of if we have the autonomy or support to do so. I've almost completely cut gluten out of my diet and experience less brain fog, shutdowns and irritability for it. Though they're not anxious symptoms as such they create situations that cause anxious reactions.
Speaking with people is similar experience for me, its the anticipation of the probable outcome that gets to me most.
The mindfulness approach has been a life saver, though truth be told, I favour it more when life has become overwhelming, If i practiced it as a standard part of my routine it would be more helpful.
I love your last paragraph, so true.
25 Oct 2019, 1:41 am
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