ever feel trapped by the rest of the world

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I do. I feel like i am shelled up inside afraid to do most of anything, because i am afraid of ridicule and abuse. I was not always like this. After my parents divorced, my dad remarried and i got three new sisters out of the deal. I was really misunderstood, because i didnt know some social graces that NT's usually held sacred. All my sisters are NTs. It affected me. I am now afraid to pursue some of my interests, due to fear of abuse over it or ridicule. I have been picked on for years for being 'weird' or giving 'the look', which i still have no clue what that means.

It has been an obsession for me for years to just try to look 'normal'. I guess i just let what was said to me and done to me go to my head. Now I want out. I want to be able to do strange things and nurture that weird side in me. I am tired of living my life out of fear of making others mad or uncomfortable. I have let others dictate to me what i can and cant do, and i am starting to choke. I want out. I want to be free of this fear of rejection by others, even my spouse. I just feel like i have to be everything that everyone else wants me to be. I know its not true with my husband, he lets me be myself, but i still panic, when i dont know what his facial expressions mean, or if i have accidentally hurt his feelings. I want to break out of this fear that has controlled me for so long. How do i do this. I feel like i almost need permission to do so.
Any ideas? i really want to shed this stress.

Yes, I can totally relate to you.
My advice; try to ignore the negative people/events in your life and focus on the positive. Maybe talk to your husband, just tell him how you feel, that might help.

We hereby grant you permission to be yourself and to claim freedom from the oppressive NT societal expectations.

on behalf of WP

You feel like you almost need permission because you're being fooled into thinking that consent must come from other people. Trust me...don't wait, because you'll never get their "permission." People are selfish.

People can only trick you into thinking your freedom to enjoy who you are comes from them if that is what you believe. As long as you live in this fear of rejection by others, others will act like they are god; as if you're life depends on them. You aren't their god either. You can't "make" others mad or uncomfortable, but they will like to try to make you think that you do. How other respond to you is their own choice. You can help them by explaining this to them and if they don't want to hear it, then don't worry about it.

I've lived almost all of my life as you describe how you are now, so I can tell you my "before" and "after" experience. I wish I knew right from day one how much more happy I would be if I always lived like "after" the above realization. I guess you could call it a fairy tale with the "happily ever after" ending.

Your husband should realize that if you are really happy about who you are and live true to yourself, he benefits greatly from having a happy wife verses an unhappy one.

The permission you need is your own. It's scary, like the "leap into the unknown."

Thank you very much. Its true. I know i cant please the world, I just have to work on it and free myself. My hubby likes it when i am myself anyways. There are a lot of wise people on this forum and so many different backgrounds and stories. Thanks for the encouragement. Realizing that i have AS has actually helped me accept myself more and appreciate what gifts i have. Its good to be one of the few and proud.