what you wish (for you) ?

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I realized sometimes, we aspie females, tend to life a little the life of other's. I mean, we are a little dependent on other's needs and emotions. And we can forget for a while what we wish for us, despite other's needs. Am I wrong? I feel that way, almost.
I mean our female nature wishes to please other's, wishes kids, I feel that, and at the same time our aspiesness make us to long for independence., I feel that way also. What to do in this case ? I feel frustrated because I feel I have opposite desires, like if I had the two genders(femenine, masculine) living in myself and pushing me in different objectives, the most femenine one of caring about others and having kids, the most masculine one going more for independence and my objectives. I am now finishing my university degree and feeling that the only I want is to marry and have kids as I feel really 'ready' and 'prepared' for that, and the other side to continue doing research, going for my objectives and so on because is what I have been preparing myself all this years until now. But is that, UNTIL NOW, like I feel I made a little stop in my life now to decide. But I feel I can't hadle both things (I think I am being very realistic about what I can or cannot handle, because in base of my caotic aspiesness life I can't seem to focus in more of one thing at a time) I wanted to share it and ask for advice. thnks

even though i am a guy oddly i feel exactly the same way. It is very hard work to have strong need to please others and be very receptive to theyre emotinal state at the expense of your own, i often find it easier to access other people's emotional state than myown as a consciquence. i really like what you wrote and find it inspiring, as i am trying to do exactly that too. i also feel a strange muscline and feminie divide within myself.

i have to try and develop a stronger more less insecure sense of self indentity and create better bouandarys betwenn myself and the enviroment. if you have a unfiltered ego you can find it hard to seperate yourself from the enviroment, and even get confused where you and others end and start.

i think this conflict is not limited to aspie women. how we cope with it is what is unique.

i think it's a shame that we live in a society that separates these two very human aspects. i think it is one of the main causes of societal suffering.

i decided to completely leave the box on this one. of course i had children relatively late. after a good career. so i didn't feel that i was missing out on anything. (i left my job cause i can only focus on one thing at a time.) i also have much more confidence to be non-mainstream because i'm older and much less insecure.

I kind of know what you mean. My wish for myself is that I have a choice over my own life and not constantly have to look after others. I don't think I want to be married or have children. Possibly a long term partner eventually, but I don't want to live together. I want a job in a way that I can handle and my own income. That way I can look after myself and not be tied down to a caretaker role, however that manifests.

I think we all deal with this. I've always been a caregiver from the time I was a small girl do to the illness both mental and physical of my mother and the drug adiction of my father, then later my stepfather being gone with the navy for months at a time and the basic needs of my much younger brothers and sister. It was so bad that everyone that lived near us thought I was my little brother's mother at 12 years old. I've never had the time to realy think about what I might want or need. It makes me sad so see it all laid out here in black and white. Maybe one day I'll get to do what I want but some how I think it would have to take a major shift in everything around me and changing my phone number so my mother can no long call me daily to tell me how "god hates' her and what minor horror has shaken her world now <mailman's late, pool is leaking, cat vomited on her hardwood floor. > . She also hads the disturbing habit of demading to see my will so she'd be sure that she's the one getting my kids if I die <not going to happen> and then the next day how I'm not "allowed to" to die because she needs me.... that just makes me want to jump off a tall building if I didn't have kids and a husband that I love very much , so I think I'll just take up drinking and hope oneday for a better life with a unlisted phone number. Sorry for the venty post

I seem to very much relate and I too grew up in an alcoholic home. I also find myself swaying toward strong femenine traits such as being highly emotional and caring. On the otherhand, I can be pretty selfish especially when people try to use me like a doormat or wanting me to perform a task I don't want to do. Only problem is, I have trouble confronting their issue and often find myself being either passive agressive or avoidant. I think booze became my main focus in life...I felt like I could escape and try to be like everyone else. It never cease to amaze me how people had their little goals and social lives and here I was feeling a bit lost. I've often felt like a person looking through the window unable to come out and enjoy the norms of life such as friendships, relationships and careers.

Gender roles and constructs have always confused the crap out of me even as a child. I didn't feel like I could quite fit into being one or the other which made me feel very insecure. I'd go outside wanting to play basketball at recess. Some of the guys let me play but most of the guys didn't want me on their teams because as they said "you girls don't even know how to throw a ball." Whenever I tried to play with the girls, I was not often welcomed and not very fond of dolls. So mainly I kept to myself and would bring a little sketch pad out just to doodle away boredom. I was either too girly and sensative or like a dyke. In some sense, I think these complexities are part of why I'm not too crazy about getting in a relationship. For one, I never felt very comfortable with wearing makeup and dressing up. Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up, but I can only stand it for so long. As soon as I get home, I wear loose fitting clothes that aren't trendy. I don't even like wearing a braw....

I have a perception that love involving intimacy is mainly based on conditional love. It might not be the right perspective but my perspective from my experiences. I was in a very brief relationship with a guy for a while. I felt like I had to be something I wasn't whenever he wanted me to dress up and go out with him and his friends or talk sexy to him. Eventually I just got sick and tired of it and told him I didn't feel like it. I tried showing as much affection for him as possible but it was never enough. He suspected that I was either with some other guy or I just didn't "love" him anymore. Eventually I did start to feel very detached and no longer attracted to him. I just couldn't pretend and hide the real me. I believe this was a major point in my life where I felt like there was something definitely wrong with me. I didn't feel like most couples I'd observe kising and holding eachother's hands. This was before I got my ASD diagnosis.

At schools and jobs, I've often felt more ostracized by women but not on purpose. Whenever we'd get together, most of the topics surrounded their kids and husbands/boyfriends girlfriends and what they did. I felt very alone and out of place especially when they'd ask me if I had a boyfriend and if I planned to have kids. I never had a good answere except not having kids. Then it's always "Well what are you going to do with the rest of your life, live alone with a bunch of cats?" Funny thing is, I often ask myself that question.

As far as pleasing people, I'm kind of crap at it. But I also have trouble being assertive and upfront. I stammer and then come off instinctively sarcastic as if I had a form of a Tourette's Syndrome. I think it's both out of nervousness and anger...because I can't process my thoughts into an appropriate tone of words. Out of frustration, I do what I do best which is make a bad joke that diverts from what they want of me or giving them an excuse as to why I can't [fill-in-the-blanks].


If I had one wish it would be to not let my insecurities get to me and getting a house of my own full of kittehs.

I'm bad at drinking after one or two a start to shake, three I tell everybody what I think four I pass out.
So I think I'll just write a book no one will find until I'm dead and that will show them lol.

I don't know how I feel about unconditional love except that I've never had it from my family so I don't really want it.

I want to be loved for exactly who I am and the person I'm evolving into; my interests and my personality. Not just because I'm someone's daughter or cousin.

If were ever to do something ghastly (ie. intentionally kill a busload of innocent people) I don't want anyone to say they still love me as I prepare to walk to the gas chamber. If I do something like that, it seems to me that kind of unwavering love is a bit creepy and inappropriate.

I want to have a family of my own. I want to be a better mom then my mom(she is not a good mom).

to not be so bloody lonely and not be ignored by my classmates.

i want to ummm....get organized...get over the notion that I "can't do anything"...just because I can't drive.....Be functional with all my art and music projects....regiment my life in a productive way and find a way to do it so I don't feel like I need to rely on meds...
um...blargh