Not really sure how much is autism and how much is other stuff, as other people have said, I can’t know which I’d prefer because I’ve never known what it’s like to not be autistic, but I can say that I am entirely unsuited to the society I’m forced to live in. As such, in this society I would rather be able to function, live, or possibly even thrive just like most people. But a large part of it is that I am not a social creature by nature, which strongly conflicts with the “typical” ways of living. If I was actually in the proper environment, I probably would be perfectly happy as I am.
I have severe social anxiety/phobia despite (or maybe because of, in my case, at least) being autistic, I am hyperaware of others’ judgement and criticisms of me, and my worth (or lack thereof) as far as they’re concerned. A significant part of my ongoing depression is feeling like I’m nothing but a burden to anyone.
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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"