getting "you are the only one to ask me that" type responses

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Jayo
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01 Aug 2021, 9:33 am

Have you ever gotten the (somewhat snarky) comment of "you are the only one to ask me that / the only one to ask me to clarify that / etc." in response to asking for clarity on some instruction or statement or such??

I've gotten this on email, not just face-to-face where nonverbal is involved - which leads me to believe that it's not just my Aspie handicap of lack of nonverbal fluency that is seamless coupled with Theory of Mind, given a situational context. (Sigh, the bane of our existence!!) :(

Personally, I find it to be passive-aggressive, and "othering" language rubbed in your face :evil:

I think the best response you could give to that is a disarming one, a rhetorical question that puts THEM in the hot seat, e.g. "OK...what was the point of telling me that I was the only one to ask that / ask for clarification?" and if there's silence for a few seconds, you could follow up with "what exactly does that accomplish??"

IF you play it right, then they - and others around them - will see THEM as the rude one, not you.
:wink:



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01 Aug 2021, 9:42 am

I've gotten those types of responses. I usually tell them that being snarky won't magically make me understand what they were getting at, and that if they don't want me to ever have to ask someone such a stupid question again that they should just clarify what I asked them to so I understand it and don't have to ask people anymore.


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Harry Haller
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01 Aug 2021, 10:59 am

"Yeah yeah yeah . . . . now I'm going to repeat the question s l o w l y for you so you can understand . . . . " :lol:



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01 Aug 2021, 11:53 am

I have a client at the moment whom I'm finding is not on the same wavelength as me. His response to my questions is along the lines of, "as we already discussed it should do x,y,z." It's not just me. He does this to my colleague too.

He seems to think he's ace at explaining things and when we want clarification he passive aggressively tells us he's already told us.

This is the good thing about project work. When it's over I never need to see him again. I'm counting down the days.

Some people just get irrationally angry about explaining things in more detail. I don't know why.



CockneyRebel
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01 Aug 2021, 12:23 pm

The way I deal with those types is by telling them that the only stupid question is the one that's not asked.


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Jayo
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01 Aug 2021, 3:14 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I have a client at the moment whom I'm finding is not on the same wavelength as me. His response to my questions is along the lines of, "as we already discussed it should do x,y,z." It's not just me. He does this to my colleague too.

He seems to think he's ace at explaining things and when we want clarification he passive aggressively tells us he's already told us.

This is the good thing about project work. When it's over I never need to see him again. I'm counting down the days.

Some people just get irrationally angry about explaining things in more detail. I don't know why.


It could be that you might be dealing with someone with NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder - these toxic types will internalize anything and everything as an affront towards them, even if there's not a shred of evidence to prove that's true... like when you ask one of these NPD-types to clarify something, they take it as an affront that you have to sully their "perfect communication" :roll:
I had a boss like this and it was hell!! !! I was glad to get the heck out of there, lemme tell you.
It was a total double-standard, b/c she would falsely tell me that she didn't understand what I explained to her, even though I could tell that she did - or she'd pull the old "Oh! were you talking to me??" after I came up to her desk and stated something plainly... :evil: :roll:
It was like Miranda Priestley in the Devil Wears Prada, but a more animated version like she'd over-indulged in coffee.
Such "people" are the worst hypocrites, and they behave the way they do b/c they figure everything else is beneath them :x



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01 Aug 2021, 4:39 pm

Yup, it's not worth the hassle. Thankfully my bosses haven't been too difficult over the years. Most issues have been mild.

In one job I was asked to pick up the morning paper on my way to work everyday. And after a few months my boss decided he didn't want it anymore, but said. "Oh would you give it a rest with the paper," like I should have been a mind reader and known he didn't want it anymore weeks ago.

And they say we can't communicate...



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01 Aug 2021, 8:18 pm

Jayo wrote:
I've gotten this on email, not just face-to-face where nonverbal is involved - which leads me to believe that it's not just my Aspie handicap of lack of nonverbal fluency that is seamless coupled with Theory of Mind, given a situational context. (Sigh, the bane of our existence!!) :(


You're probably right; it's not just that. It could also simply be a different focus or lacking background information that other people have picked up intuitively.

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Personally, I find it to be passive-aggressive, and "othering" language rubbed in your face :evil:

I wouldn't use the term "othering" so loosely. It specifically refers to people in minority demographic groups being painted as alien and unrelatable, which can contribute to discrimination towards them. It's not really used to express the idea that an individual is just weird (which seems to be how you are using it). They wouldn't really be othering you unless they know you are in some demographic group they can think of as "other."

Quote:
I think the best response you could give to that is a disarming one, a rhetorical question that puts THEM in the hot seat, e.g. "OK...what was the point of telling me that I was the only one to ask that / ask for clarification?" and if there's silence for a few seconds, you could follow up with "what exactly does that accomplish??"
That seems like an unhelpful thing to do.

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IF you play it right, then they - and others around them - will see THEM as the rude one, not you.
:wink:
Or they might see you as the stereotypical Aspie who's going on and on about stuff no one else cares about or needs to ask about.



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02 Aug 2021, 8:24 am

Jayo wrote:
Getting "you are the only one to ask me that" type responses.
Because this is the kind of response I give when only one person has ever asked me a specific question, I assume that when it is said to me, the person means what they say.


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02 Aug 2021, 6:22 pm

Yes, and I find it hilarious. :lol:

But then the social rules, the systems (in which are less reliable), even layers of language comprehension here do not work the same way.

Save for the human fundamentals, the majority's instincts and expected levels of internal regulation to afford hostile environments.


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03 Aug 2021, 10:23 pm

Be pleased that you’re an original thinker?

And that you’re not boring someone.



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05 Aug 2021, 4:43 am

Harry Haller wrote:
"Yeah yeah yeah . . . . now I'm going to repeat the question s l o w l y for you so you can understand . . . . " :lol:
:lol:


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