The way things are vs the way things should be

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 2:30 pm

Do you struggle with how things are and how things should be?

Its like the rules don't apply to real life situations so when you go out and meet the real world head on everything is wrong.

People say "this is the way it should be" but it very rarely happens that way and no one cares or even notices.

I do notice these things. I've learned to let it go a lot of the time but it doesn't mean to say that it doesn't bother me.

I hope you get what I'm meaning with this. If not then don't worry about it.



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,959
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

26 Sep 2021, 2:59 pm

There is a theory that things are exactly as they should be, in order to be changing into what they should be next.
Studying "how things should be" is almost always a way to rationalize benefits for one's own group - Eugenics has a lot to say, but it can be summed up with "more people like me" no matter who is writing. Odds are that "the way things should be" for most people does not include having at least some of those writers even being around.
There is also a dichotomy between theory and practice. There are always exceptions made to rules that are shocking to newcomers, but quite routine to those familiar with the field. I grew up thinking that people were rational and logical, but I kept hitting blind alleys where facts are attacked if they can't be ignored.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,030
Location: South-East England

26 Sep 2021, 3:03 pm

The way things are: I have Asperger's.
The way it should be: I am neurotypical like my parents.

The way things are: My mother has cancer.
The way it should be: My mother is perfectly well and healthy for someone her age.


I know you probably didn't mean this thread in this context but thought I'd just get that off my chest.


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 3:13 pm

Joe90 wrote:
The way things are: I have Asperger's.
The way it should be: I am neurotypical like my parents.

The way things are: My mother has cancer.
The way it should be: My mother is perfectly well and healthy for someone her age.


I know you probably didn't mean this thread in this context but thought I'd just get that off my chest.


Well I wasn't thinking along those lines specifically because that's personal to yourself but I know where you're coming from. You're talking about justice in a way.

I mean like when you go to work or school or even learning to drive. Before you go out on your own you're told how to behave in a certain way. So you go out and you kind of expect that that is how it is because that is how it "should" be but once your in that situation you find that no one else is going along with those rules. Its kind of confusing because the world isn't as it should be but it is the way things are.

:lol:

I know what I'm on about anyway



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 3:14 pm

Dear_one wrote:
There is a theory that things are exactly as they should be, in order to be changing into what they should be next.


I like this



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,959
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

26 Sep 2021, 3:20 pm

One time, the legend tells us, a farmer in China caught a wild horse. All his neighbours congratulated him on his good fortune. "We shall see" he replied.
The next day, his son was trying to train the horse for riding, and was thrown off, breaking his leg. All the neighbours offered their condolences. "We shall see" he replied.
The next day, the army came through, drafting all the able-bodied young men.



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,581
Location: Moved on

26 Sep 2021, 3:21 pm

babybird wrote:
Dear_one wrote:
There is a theory that things are exactly as they should be, in order to be changing into what they should be next.


I like this


Me too. LTNS babybird. :D How are you doing?


_________________
I've left Wrong Planet


Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,482
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

26 Sep 2021, 3:25 pm

Not me personally.
But this culture's current state.

They all been going on like it since the '60s.

They all pray that they're still as rich and powerful in such era.

They all wish that they weren't such an naive idiot for falling for some person's agenda.

They all hoped that their ideals would be just as better in the precolonial era because it matches this modern cultural standards.


They all wish -- they all pray -- they all hoped.


My friends, my family -- historians and pseudo historians most especially.
And the so called 'intellectuals' are just a bunch of bitter people out of said knowledge.


My wish? **** Colonial mentality.
It was once the source of most of my social confusions.


Yet even I have enough acceptance of the present that everything is as it should be.

It would meant that -- this culture needs to collectively learn something before moving on. And people here just keeps failing the same lessons for the last 55+ years.


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).


Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 21,030
Location: South-East England

26 Sep 2021, 3:54 pm

OK, it kind of reminds me of how my mum defined 'normal' when I was a child. (Please don't badmouth my mum for this, as she was just frustrated at the time). She used to say that me and my brother weren't normal, and I asked her what she meant by that. She said that 'normal' kids are kids that join clubs and have lots of friends. So I tried thinking of an NT child I knew who didn't have that many friends and didn't belong to any clubs, and I said his name, but my mum said that he wasn't normal either. I was like, OK...
So my mum felt that the way it should be was both me and my brother joining clubs and having lots of friends, whether we were NTs or not wasn't relavent.

Is that sort of what you mean?


_________________
Female
Aged 31
On antidepressants
Have ASD, ADHD and anxiety disorder
Empathy score: 61 out of a possible 80. (High)


babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 4:00 pm

smudge wrote:
babybird wrote:
Dear_one wrote:
There is a theory that things are exactly as they should be, in order to be changing into what they should be next.


I like this


Me too. LTNS babybird. :D How are you doing?


Hi. I'm well thank you smudge. Hope you are too



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 4:11 pm

Joe90 wrote:
OK, it kind of reminds me of how my mum defined 'normal' when I was a child. (Please don't badmouth my mum for this, as she was just frustrated at the time). She used to say that me and my brother weren't normal, and I asked her what she meant by that. She said that 'normal' kids are kids that join clubs and have lots of friends. So I tried thinking of an NT child I knew who didn't have that many friends and didn't belong to any clubs, and I said his name, but my mum said that he wasn't normal either. I was like, OK...
So my mum felt that the way it should be was both me and my brother joining clubs and having lots of friends, whether we were NTs or not wasn't relavent.

Is that sort of what you mean?


Yes so your mum had a picture or an idea of how she thought children should be but the reality of it was nothing like that. That is very much like what I'm trying to say.

It's like we're sold an illusion of how things ought to be but when we go outside it just doesn't work that way.



Dear_one
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,959
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines

26 Sep 2021, 4:19 pm

^^ People can easily be mistaken about "normal." There is a very strong tendency for everyone to consider themselves as normal, and what they see around them is also selected to reinforce that. Also, it is easy to notice that many people drink alcohol or like sports, but not easy to notice that many people stay home and read.



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 38,314
Location: UK

26 Sep 2021, 4:22 pm

It's something I was thinking about because my daughter who has hfa was struggling a little with a letter that was sent round by our housing association. It was to do with residents parking and what is acceptable in communal areas etc.

She's a rule follower and I think the rules make her feel safe. She knows where she is with them and so on. But she could see that the other residents didn't care about this letter that was sent round and they weren't following what was being said. So there was a conflict in her mind with what should be and the way things actually are.

It's difficult to explain to someone who is so rigid in their thinking that sometimes reality doesn't always meet up to your expectations.



ThisTimelessMoment
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 15 Apr 2021
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 64
Location: South Africa

26 Sep 2021, 11:56 pm

A therapist explained to me the 4 false beliefs we carry from childhood out into the world.

There must be justice.
Everyone must like me
I should be able to do it perfectly
It should be easy

None of these is true. But we tend to believe them. That mismatch leads to lots of grief.
Banging my head against reality is not clever.


_________________
Ever onwards and upwards!