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Fern
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21 Jan 2022, 4:40 pm

Today I learned:

1. that when I am a guest at a dinner party, I am expected to go home when the host starts picking up empty plates.
2. (because of point 1) that if I host a dinner party, I shouldn't pick up plates unless I want everyone to leave.

These are revelations to me. It explains a lot of gatherings that ended abruptly in my view. I always wondered how people orchestrate leaving these kinds of things all at once. On a more critical note, it seems impractical to just leave one person to clean up all of that mess. Do NTs really not want help washing the dishes?

That being said, I'm glad someone told me.


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21 Jan 2022, 4:43 pm

Why should dirty plates be just left on the table?



ToughDiamond
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21 Jan 2022, 6:28 pm

Maybe sometimes they're just clearing the table so the guests can play cards?



MrsPeel
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22 Jan 2022, 12:23 am

I didn't know that



Velorum
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22 Jan 2022, 4:18 am

Just as well that I dont go to dinner parties.

Dirty dishes are washed and put away immediately in my house.

The prospect of sitting among unwashed crockery with the remains of half people meals on full display whilst trying to understand and respond to 'chit chat' fills me with horror. :)


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naturalplastic
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22 Jan 2022, 6:54 am

Velorum wrote:
Just as well that I dont go to dinner parties.

Dirty dishes are washed and put away immediately in my house.

The prospect of sitting among unwashed crockery with the remains of half people meals on full display whilst trying to understand and respond to 'chit chat' fills me with horror. :)

It doesnt work that way. After you eat youre spose to retire to the living room to chit chat.



Joe90
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22 Jan 2022, 7:37 am

Wait, it's an NT thing not to offer to wash the dishes?


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kraftiekortie
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22 Jan 2022, 7:40 am

In American culture, the host family is supposed to clean up after dinner; the guests aren’t supposed to help.

In West Indian culture, though, the guests are supposed to help clean up.



HighLlama
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22 Jan 2022, 7:48 am

Helping with dishes can depend on who is left to do them. Yes, if it's a family, they can probably handle it. If it's one friend hosting a group, however, I think most people would offer to help.

As far as cleaning up the dishes, that probably depends on other things to. Were you (OP) the only one left and they cleared the table? Or did they do this once everyone was done eating, just to have the table open?



ToughDiamond
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22 Jan 2022, 11:55 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
In American culture, the host family is supposed to clean up after dinner; the guests aren’t supposed to help.

In West Indian culture, though, the guests are supposed to help clean up.

In my case I'd tend to ignore the supposed conventions of any culture and try to work out what to do from first principles, which are often way too complicated and irrational for me to agree with or remember. If the host seemed to have too much to do, I'd want to help, and stuff the culture unless they openly resisted my offer. Against that would be my aversion to spontaneously "mucking in" which is based on my never knowing how to proceed with such tasks under unfamiliar conditions.



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22 Jan 2022, 5:12 pm

Funny story -- when we have parties at our house, sometimes I'll clear the dishes while my wife entertains the guests -- partially to be helpful, but mainly so I have an excuse not to interact with people. The guests view me as a helpful husband; little do they know ...



kraftiekortie
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22 Jan 2022, 8:18 pm

I do similar.



autisticelders
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23 Jan 2022, 7:17 am

I am 70 and have never been to a dinner party. I had no idea! interesting discussion.


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Fern
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24 Jan 2022, 10:34 am

Joe90 wrote:
Wait, it's an NT thing not to offer to wash the dishes?


That was my gut reaction! Usually, if I see someone doing the dishes I ask if I can help.


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Jakki
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24 Jan 2022, 12:52 pm

This reminds of the lyrics to a old song I loved by Ricky Nelson ‘ Garden Party’


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starrytigress
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25 Jan 2022, 8:15 pm

Well, the only dinner parties I've ever been to have been hosted by family, so you help with the clean up whether you're leaving after or not. I've had friends over, and they do offer to help clean up, granted my house has a dishwasher so it's not like everyone is washing the dishes. I usually brush off offers for help mostly because I'm tired and want people to leave. Which my friends don't take offense to, they know that even though I love them all I have my limits. Also I become a very difficult conversation partner at that point, because for whatever reason when I get really mentally exhausted I start to speak of myself in the third person, using my parents nickname for me, Nikki.
This is another one of those things where I'm like "Why the heck doesn't anyone just SAY something!?" I mean, how do NTs learn this stuff without someone actually telling them!? Whenever I have problems with things like that, I usually ask my mom and she helps explain it to me, even the very obvious (to NTs) stuff.