I felt anger, then a bleak depression, after father died...

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Butterfly
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10 May 2024, 2:08 am

A breakdown that continues a month after... (put in an image as cloudflare was preventing the direct text... click to zoom...)

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XEmoCatX
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10 May 2024, 12:35 pm

Hi I'm sorry about what happened to your dad, I lost my cousin to a car crash in Bangladesh.

I miss him so much..... :cry:



CockneyRebel
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11 May 2024, 4:36 pm

Sweet Pea hugs


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Butterfly
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27 May 2024, 1:55 pm

Anyone has any theories on why he did that? Gender? Maybe due to being born first, gotten used to me? Perhaps due to the perceived neurodivergence?



autisticelders
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27 May 2024, 6:37 pm

so sorry for your troubles. sorting feelings around losing a loved one can take years. do your best self care as you work it all out.


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Butterfly
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28 May 2024, 1:25 am

Uh, I know it's the thing that's usually said, but as can be surmised it's not, exactly, a "loved one" issue...



autisticelders
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28 May 2024, 5:46 am

I get that too, sort of a blanket term for loss of family member, I came from an abusive household, so I understand the conflicts and upsets that might turn up in processing. So difficult to process, and yes, both my parents have been gone for many years, I am still working on that. In so many ways it was an actual relief..
( I know it is not socially acceptable to say that, but it is true no less).


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autisticelders
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28 May 2024, 5:57 am

Answers to why we become the 'focus" of abusive households? Parents feel inadequate , maybe resent that we are "difficult" and do not live up to their *(unrealistic) expectations, we just happen to be there to take their frustrations out on, it is on them, not you.

You deserved love, compassion, guidance, safety, and they did not provide it due to their own struggles they were simply not competent to provide what you needed. Not even close. They failed at being parents. Not your fault.


I have learned how to see the needy scared child in me and to give her the love and comfort that my family situation never did.

You deserve self compassion, you deserve self care,you deserve love, you deserve peace and safety.
You can give yourself these things that you never had before. It wasn't you, it was them.

I find even so late in my life I feel much safer now I don't have to interact with my deceased parents. It is a relief.

I hope you can move on and focus on giving yourself the things they did not give you.

It is OK to feel sorry for that little kid that never got the love and care they needed, when they needed it. It is OK to be angry about it, and it is OK to love yourself and care for yourself today and live your best life as the scars of the past are left behind.


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Butterfly
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01 Jun 2024, 1:39 pm

I don't know how I can live decades more, like this... I'm even sensitive to mere words being used as synonyms, lately, that have a violent origin, and I seriously hate how some people use analogies derived from such situations in completely non-violent scenarios, some even as a joke... and, honestly, I have so much anger, that if I never end up murdering someone at some point in the future I'd be surprised... it just should have been him... societies are so f****d up, being totally fine with everything, just not murder... isn't it sweet, even centuries ago, e.g. this horrible Elizabeth Brownrigg, f*****g society even gave her children, like they were tools or some s**t... but, oh, as soon as someone died, even accidentally? That's when they swooped in, of course, to kill her... should have killed all of themselves, too!!



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01 Jun 2024, 4:01 pm

there are many ways to help with anger today, please reach out for help, you do not have to do this alone.


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Butterfly
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02 Jun 2024, 6:42 am

There's very little to help with anything... society, as ever, does not care... I've been coping a bit strangely, lately, which evolved from obsessing (as I am doing generally, recently, with regards to violence)... about the concept of consent, and how much that was violated back then, again and again and again... only started a few weeks ago, since I realized the more relevant rationalization for me (consent, sort of to redress its lack in the past, even if it doesn't, really) to feel pain... but, at least, I inflicted it (although, uh, I seem to be doing it so often it's painful when I even try to move around, now)... and not some f*****g demon enabled by society... I know it may seem insane to inflict pain on myself after all that, but at least it's consensual, f*****g finally... sometimes I wonder how I never did it in the past sixteen years, but then, I seemed to have buried the emotional aspects during those times too, and this seems one way I can possibly act against the memories...



autisticelders
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03 Jun 2024, 8:07 am

I don't know your location, but in most places there are hotlines and crisis lines, etc where you can get information about help that is available in your area. It is evident that you are seeking ways to work around the deep inner pain left from so much abuse and neglect. Please don't give up on yourself, you are worthy of healing, of respect, of self care, of finding peace and safety. Please do reach out to see what alternatives you can find to this suffering. There are so many ways trauma affects us but we can fight back by learning new ways to "do life". If you are in the USA, you can use 211 online or as a phone call to help you get hooked up with services and support. There is life beyond what is in the past, there is peace, there is healing. It is scary and painful but less than what your life has been in the past. Please keep looking for new ways to heal and cope. We are not stuck in what happened to us as children , and there are so many alternatives to the constant suffering over things that were not our fault and that we had no control over. No shame, no blame. You are a survivor of a horrible past, but things can get better.


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jikijiki53
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03 Jun 2024, 10:05 am

Questionings wrote:
Anyone has any theories on why he did that? Gender? Maybe due to being born first, gotten used to me? Perhaps due to the perceived neurodivergence?


There are a few possibilities to consider. It could be due to gender, being the firstborn and having more time to get used to you, or perhaps perceived neurodivergence. Each of these factors might have influenced his behavior.



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Butterfly
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03 Jun 2024, 4:07 pm

autisticelders wrote:
less

That's something I've been thinking about, recently... I suppose it is less, more of the 'norm' that many adults have... but not really, still, as it affected so much (I don't suppose most adults have spent one decade as a hermit, or are so disorganized that they have literal mountains of rubbish besides them, which results in not only flying insects, but walking ones that crawl all over oneself (of course, still, last thing I do is anything violent towards them, usually I just transport them outside), and while disorganization might be inherent... I can never verify unless I could re-run my life... and if I could why in the world would I inhabit this one... one thing that the piece of s**t really stole from me is the capability to experience joy... like somehow I could, before 15... how ever the mind can compartmentalize violence and joy I'll never know... even now, while trying to watch something or another, I get distracted by flashes of memories...) - and, sure, I've phoned lots of lines available, so much so that the one most referred to here ended up blocking my number, just because I phoned too much, which is just brutal I thought (but somehow the volunteers answering the phone can't even admit that in itself is psychopathic... I'm kind of familiar with their brutal mindsets...)

jikijiki53, you reckon it's all of them, and not one or another, or something else I haven't mentioned?