lonely

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Been lonely for a long time.

It takes way too much time, energy and skill to make and maintain "friends".

"Thin line between love and hate."

"Friends" always end up dumping me.

miscommunication
assumptions
expectations

Then I feel lonely w/out "friends".
Thank buddha for the internet. it has pros and cons.

I hear ya! Kinda how I feel

Being with friends involve lots of masking so yeah, that is true. I am also thankful we have internet since i don't know any autistic people irl who lives in my country

Real friends to my experience are pretty "low-maintenance", by what I mean they actually care 'bout ye and involve in relationship

The true root problem I see is how hard it is to *find* a friend, when everyone near ye all want is to manipulate and exploit. Or at least expect to abide to unspoken Sacred Gray Herd Law.

And what I can say, eh... Never give up.


Definition of "friend" varies wildly, but personally I wouldn't call somebody a friend if I had to pretend near them to be someone who I'm not.

Yeah, my friendships never last because of that. But i have no other choice other wise i would be completely isolated and my mental health would worsen.

Yes the closer I am to somebody, the less I have to mind my manners, because they accept me warts and all, at least up to a point, which is fair enough. Of course it never goes away completely, but it gets easier. I've been making a lot of new friends through music lately, and frankly I'm scared stiff of putting my foot in it. I'm much more relaxed with older friends, so hopefully it'll settle down eventually.

everyone has subconscious biases.

sometimes it is natural, necessary, involuntary, normal to make assumptions.

expectations

judgments

it gets on my nerves how some precious lil "people" have the nerve to tell me all about the factually wrong assumptions they made about me. on the other hand, maybe that's a good thing, because i do not have to try to guess what they are thinking, because i am not telepathic.

then some precious lil "people" act like they are so innocent

Hey! I feel similar. Lots of miscommunication, assumptions, and expectations leading to unnecessary displeasure. I don't know what the solution to it is, but I rather be lonely for ever than deal with that again. And like you said, the Internet has been a solid crutch for me.

In retrospect, it seems that I get along best with other autistic people, though there have been some NTs that I get along with too. Lately, I think I've been waiting to somehow run into a group of people that are communicative and straight forward. Also, that has a safe person in case anything comes up, someone to run things by, or they notice anything odd.

did not talk to or interact with anyone today. nobody talked to me either.

that could be good, bad, both, or neither.

nothing seems like it is worth the energy it takes.

cost benefit analysis.

i especially hate it when annoying precious lil "people" have the nerve to say "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me".

To me, nothing is nothing. It's not good or bad. It's nothing.

want someone to talk to, but the vast majority of the time when i try to say the slightest thing, precious lil "people" do not appear to (1) hear (2) care (3) understand (4) believe (5) remember what i said. and even when they fulfill all five of them, then "whooptie do", it is usually not worth the "cost benefit analysis".

just feel like there's nobody that understands me....

Too many bridges that you can burn, too many tables that you can't turn...

counseling is like "actions speak louder than words" and "loose lips sink ships".

some counselors are good some of the time.

but plenty of counselors act like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread and they are not.

used to go to the counseling clinic 2008 to 2020 then it closed for coronavirus. it's open again but only by phone.

primary physician referred me to kaiser psychotherapy. haven't gone.

counseling is like "smoke and mirrors".

in my defense, however, since i stopped going to counseling, i have been maintaining a job and not getting made redundant. four years and six months (personal record). second best: five months, @ age 18.

so maybe i am not doing that badly.

Good that you've not completely lost touch with your blessings, even if they're a tad scanty. Looks like your health professionals are aware of your need for intervention. When you say therapy is like smoke and mirrors, I guess you mean that you don't trust the people who are running it? There can be good reasons for feeling like that. What seems to go wrong when you have attended the sessions?