I hate being shy!

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Whether you're a shy NT or a shy NL, shyness can be the bain of your life, unless you don't mind not talking. But I do like to chat, but go very mute in social environments, like weddings for example. I still make eye contact and I smile, and I would talk if somebody else spoke to me, but otherwise, I sit there and don't say anything, and just watch everyone else dancing/talking/eating/whatever. I often picture myself being the life and soul and really outgoing, and I think how wonderful that would be.

Shyness is something I cannot get my head around. Why are some of us shy? Why is going upto someone and making conversation so daunting? Why does having a silly dance on the dancefloor feel so intimidating? Why does the thought of becoming loud and chatty make you shudder? So what if you do or say something wrong? People are just a pile of cells really. We will all be dead one day. So why are we so afraid to speak up and enjoy using our vocal chords while we're all alive and healthy?
These are really what you think of, but there's still no answer to them and it still doesn't seem to stop us from being shy.

I just wish I wasn't shy to begin with. I wish I was born with very good social skills. It must be wonderful to be like that. Absolutely wonderful. Loving the social pressure. Wanting to be involved in the social world out there. Having your brain automatically focused on the social environment all around you all the time, without feeling afraid or bewildered.

Anyone else wish you wasn't shy? (This applies to shy NTs too, or those with social phobia aswell).

It's an overall inability to gain rewards through this 'outgoing type of social behavior'. Once on the dance floor I'd be awkward like "Herman Munster." Small talk , though I'm witty, is taxing-- it's all a conscious effort. And the "pervasive exuberance" doesn't infuse into me thus catching my interest. I'm self conscious and this adds or makes this tendency to withdrawl.

I believe shyness is an inability to interface" naturally" these environments, and "knowing" this by being too conscientious/ self conscious.

The "wiring" isn't there for this in introverts. And "Shyness" is a self- conscious introvert.

Get used to it Joe, it really doesn't go away -- you don't ever grow 'into it.'

I'm at the stage where I accept it now, as a difference.

I'm entirely indifferent to the "social world", so I honestly don't care. But, I do realize the benefits of social ability and social integration so if there is a connection between that and shyness, then I could see the detriments to being shy.

I don't exactly know if "shy" is the right word to describe me (At least not entirely), but others have apparently described me that way.

I just hate it when I'm at a social event, and people keep saying, ''you're quiet''. Well, how can I be loud when everyone is talking to eachother, and I can't get a word in edgeways with anyone, and the whole social event is based around the most popular person who is in the midde? (There is always a ''most popular person''). Popular people irritate me, especially when they are a bit nasty to the shy ones, but still get loved by everyone. They get on my nerves!

To me, shyness means you have something to say, but are afraid to say it.

Simply not having anything to say is simply being introverted.

The former is a negative, but the latter is not. Unfortunately, many NT's can't tell the difference.

This is me. I lack confidence in speaking up, even though I've found the right thing to say at the right time. I don't feel this so much when I'm just with close family.

I try not to always blame these sorts of things on my AS, because I think I would have been a shy person anyway, whether I was born Aspie or not, because my mum and brother are shy NTs (but still seem to do better socially than me, obviously).

I don't lack confidence in saying SOMETHING, but I do in expecting that SOMETHING to be the "right thing".

Which doesn't stop me, which means I'm often in trouble.

Some of us prefer at weddings to fade into the background and then leave when the time is right. We're not going to gain anything by being there, so one might as well not bother. Nothing really wrong with that.

And I don't do dances on the dance floor either.

I know exactly how you feel, someone almost always tells me "you're quiet", which in turn just makes me say less because then if I talk I feel like I am breaking the rules. For me I think it is a mix of shyness and introvertedness (is that a word?). Sometimes I feel like I have something to say but I am too anxious to say it (mostly around new people is where shyness comes in I think). Then there are times where I just don't feel like I have anything to say but don't feel particularly shy (around friends), though maybe I just don't feel shy because I didn't have anything to say anyway? On rare occasions I feel neither shy nor introverted, this pretty much only revolves around talking about special interests or something I have been studying up on, where I just feel the urge to tell someone what I have learned. I think I am probably in shy/introverted mode about 95% of the time... if not more.

Yes, I have social phobia, and really wish I did not. I miss out on so much because I am too afraid. And the weird thing is I am not really even sure why I am afraid, or of what. It honestly makes no sense to me.

Once I was at a social event where I was REALLY shy because I was around the type of people who I would be shy of (really confident NTs who don't know the meaning of the word ''Autism'' or possibly even the word ''shy'', for that matter). I sat there, even being afraid to move because I was so shy. I then thought I'd say something, so I went to ask the person next to me (who I already knew) something about the food, but as I got the first word out, someone nearby, with a loud voice, suddenly started talking to the person I was about to talk to, and obviously the person didn't notice I was about to talk, and so listened to this loud popular person, and that made me really hang back, and although nobody knew I was about to say something, I still felt awkward.

Sometimes, at these social events, I often wish I was a small child, because they can be shy if they want and most people like shy little children because they're quiet and polite, and they can go off and play without having to really worry about interacting with anybody, even with other kids if they are there (especially if they don't know them). I remember going to social events when I was small, and I remember at one particular event when I was 4, I remember I was clutching my teddy the whole time (which is normal for a small child). But it was so much easier, because it didn't matter if I said the wrong thing or not (because all kids say stupid things), and I sat on my mum's lap, which made me feel happy. But I know that I wasn't one bit bewildered at social events when I was little than what I am now. I think it's because I'm a young adult, and so people expect more from me, like drinking alcohol, dressing up, joining in conversations, etc.

Oh yes I have been in this situation many times myself. I find it hard being shy aswell because as you say, sometimes you know what to say and just can't which is extremely frustrating. I remember when I was at college I would sometimes be almost bursting to say something but just couldn't. It makes me sad at the opportunities I missed. However sometimes I also find that I am just lost for words aswell.

I have been quite curious to know what the distinction is between someone who is shy and someone who is lacking in confidence? Surely the thing that underlies all shyness must be a lack of confidence? I think that this is the case with me. Like others here I also have social anxiety which I think in my case is a deep rooted fear of being disliked.

As to how to what to do about it I really don't know other than practice I guess, like most things. I think it can help sometimes just to know you're not the only one feeling this way.

You described me! I however don't really care for most people anymore. I heard somewhere that shyness can be considered a disorder in the most severe cases. I don't remember where I found that article tho. But being shy does have its advantages. Like if there is a fight going on or some big argument around you people won't even notice you're there and then you can get away unharmed.

I do know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, but nobody really admits it. I think NTs try to cover up their nervous feelings, and they're lucky they can do it. But I have seen other people say something, and nobody's listened. I hate seeing that, because then I suddenly feel awkward for them, even though they might not be feeling awkward. You never know - they might be.
I think with me is lack of confidence. It's the same with serving customers too, at my vollunteer job. The manager has put in a new rule that when you're on the till you have to ask each customer if they are interested in having a care card for the shop, then you have to explain how care cards work, like saying you get 20 percent off every 5 pound you spend, and so on, and it seems to be such a long monologue to keep on saying to every customer that I think it becomes a nuisance for anyone, especially me. I tried to avoid doing this, but the manager found out and told me that I should ask customers more things. I don't like asking them small questions like, ''would you like a bag?'', but when you've got to look them in the eye and give monologues, I find it VERY daunting. I might aswell go to the jungle and look a tiger in the eye.

That would be much easier for me.

I did NOT grow out my shyness.

I can remember when it was not this bad.

I have struggled with it my whole life.

I went to a wedding last month and I said no more than 10 words in the entire 5 hours. I really just don't know what to say, and I am aware of that, so I say nothing.