Do you seek out other people?

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Here's a brief anecdote:

The other night my son's mother went out to a bar with a friend of hers. (To clarify, my son's mother and I are not in a relationship anymore, but currently live together out of financial and practical necessity). When she came back, she told me all about what went on and so forth.
Apparently, this friend of hers was very inquisitive about me.

She had asked things like, "Isn't he seeing some girl on the side?" and "Why is he just living there putting up with this?" and "He MUST be seeing someone else!" and "What's wrong with him?"

Apparently, like a lot of other men in similar situations, I should have moved out long ago and started dating other women. But no. I've stayed right here, just trying to survive.

I have no interest in dating right now. I have no real desire to include anyone else in my life, romantically or otherwise. I don't have any friends, and I almost like it that way. I'm sure my life could be more fulfilling with people in it, but people are a lot of work for me to deal with, and always at least mildly terrifying to me. I'm at a point in my life where I really do not seek out other people if I can possibly help it. The idea of being lonely is something that is difficult for me to imagine.

So my question to you is this:

Do you seek out other people and relationships? Do you try to have friends? Do you make an effort to include socialization in your days? Please elaborate as necessary. Thanks.

HI Acacia. Good to read you OP.

I do not seek out others on a daily basis for socialising. That would be far too much. However I do get lonely, but i tend to seek out others purely from the vantage point of my needs and my wishes, which means I can be viewed as egocentric and self-driven. I am more interested in what someone can give me or how they can benefit me in some way, than I am in a kind of wish to extend myself naturally towards them, out of emotional care and concern and empathic relating. Any energy i have (and the latter takes enormous energy to muster in myself consciously,) simply MUST be reserved for my son. That is the parental contract i entered into when i became a mother - and i struggle with it, but know that is where the effort must be directed.
That leaves little energy fro friendship.

I keep contact with people via email and the net. I know lots of people but maintain connections with people in much the same way as I do with people here on WP...via the written word, which is far more amenable to me.

I have however learned - by way of 12 step programs - that a small amount of contact with others (and I mean very small by comparison with other people who work all day with others and then do things with people in the evenings or on weekends) is actually good for me. Just a little tiny bit. a phone call with someone - a kind of relating to break the groundhog day tendencies in me, or someone visiting (not an off the cuff visit - no dropping in!!) for a quick cup of tea which is usually work related or special interest related. I do not really socialise for the sake of it. Any contact with people tends to be purpose oriented or functional.


On the whole, I want to spend most of my time on my own. And most people just do not understand this and see it as weird and boring.

I don't spend much time trying to find human relationships or unicorns.

Wow, that chick's nosy!

I get the whole not looking thing. My mother keeps trying to get me to date -- or join the Baptist Church, since they seem to be interlinked in her mind for some reason -- and I keep telling her I don't have time for men right now. She doesn't seem to understand that.

As for seeking out people, it depends. I don't necessarily seek out companionship all that often, but if there's some interest I have that can be shared or learned from others, I will look for like-minded folks with that specific interest in mind. Of course, if the interest runs its course, we don't usually have much in common any more, so I let them drift off. (My interests tend to run in cycles. I'll spend all my time doing one specific thing for months on end -- hardly being able to think about anything else, spending money, collecting stuff and books or patterns -- then not doing it at all for months or even years.)

Regards,

Patricia

I do seek out people, but only on my terms. I don't have a tendency to make friends with people I meet incidentally (on the train, in the street, etc) but am much more likely to make friends during my chosen activities (work, dancing, music jams, etc). I'm more likely to gravitate to people whose personalities are off the beaten path.

Sort of, I don't usualy go somewhere for the purpose of seeking people but if I do meet someone I'm more than happy to go along with it and hopefully make a friend.

Sometimes, I will try to seek out other people, if I am feeling comfortable about it, at the time. Most of the time, I don't. I pretty much wait for people to seek me out. I'm too fearful of rejection and not being liked. I usually always assume I am not liked by anyone. There are those rare times, though, when I may happen to feel more comfortable about it and take a chance.

It depends on the situation. If the crowd is small, it's usually easy. A larger crowd is offputting, unless there's someone I really want to see. I've also been in crowds who didn't want to see me: I wasn't in the right group (wrong age or profession), I wore clothes more appropriate to my occupation than the others. If the music's too loud, I shut down. Interestingly, I find I do best with foreigners and older Americans. The latter will often seek me out. I can always start a conversation with a foreigner by asking where he's from or even speaking his language, of which I speak many. Sometimes, I can start a conversation and it will just die. Neither of us finds the other interesting. At my daughter's school events, some people would simple not acknowledge my presence, while they were friendly with my NT wife.

YES, all the time, except when I am in class.

That is a fascinating observation.
I've experienced this same thing.
It sometimes feels like I am a ghost.
It seems like in a large group of people, others will just pass right by me like I am not there, and proceed onto someone else. More often than not, I don't get nods or looks of acknowledgement. Like somehow other people are picking up on subconscious signals that I am socially awkward and would probably just be a waste of time.
I fade into the background in any social situation.

Hi Acacia
For along time, no i was very happy in my own little world with work and my projects (both of these are very absorbing) but from time to time i found myself seeing others interacting; friendships and close social networks and wanted a piece of this pie. About every 14 months this happens the rest of the time im more then happy to be by myself.

A good comment the receptionist made when i was attempting to make some friends at work.
"the people you want to be friends with cant interact with you, the ones you not you get along with fine"
This was very interesting as im a fairly outgoing person on the outside but people that know me well find out something new about me all the time.

Since accepting the diagnosis i have been making proactive attempts to reconnect with friends and socialise more, but im on constant guard looking for cues in my behavior - while i accept it i dont want it dictating my life.

I feel like this, too.

Hi Acacia. I will answer your questions. I am married, but I didn't seek out that first date---to the woman who is now my wife of nearly 20 years. A fellow high school band member arranged this date for me. I was a senior and she was a sophomore at another school. As for seeking out other people, like friendships---no, I do not seek them. So therefore, I do not try to have friends. When I was younger I had one best friend...and that was about it. There were some "geeky" sort of friends in high school...but not the type friendships normally associated with friendships. I do not make an effort to include socialization in my days except to try to smile and say "hi" to fellow workers as I see them in the the hallway. I do joke around a little with the cafeteria staff. But due to the awkwardness of socialization that has always been part of my life, I have always been satisfied with a non-social life.

Yep. Me too. I understand it when I'm simply not looking at people; that makes sense. But sometimes I give a friendly smile and make a comment, and I get nothing in return. Like just today, I stopped by a store and bought two bars of Cadbury's and a Diet Coke. As I put the stuff on the counter, I said, smiling, "How's that for a healthy lunch?" Now, I watch people, and I know that if anyone else had said that, it would have resulted in all sorts of conversation about how good chocolate is, and yet how fattening, and how it's hard to always eat healthy, blah blah blah. But she just gave a slight smile, and that was it. Not that I'm looking for conversation, because I'm not...but I do wonder why and how NTs seem to just naturally fall into conversations. Like there is something about me that makes people not want to bother. I wish I knew what it was. Or maybe I don't want to know. It's stuff like that that often makes me choose to say nothing.

No.

I love my family and I enjoy being with them (as long as I can retreat when I need to), but that is the extent of my real life need for interaction with other people. (Unless you count needs like going to the dentist/doctor orr buying food, but I take it that you mean socially.) My entire life I have felt that my needs are met with my interaction with my family and pets.

For me the thought of going out to try to get friends (or boyfriend) just for the sake of getting friends (or boyfriend) is as alien as thinking in Martian. Occasionally I meet people that interest me, but I never manage to get to know them. I am unable to start or keep a conversation going, I have nothing to say outside of my own interests, I couldn’t pick a proper topic if my life depended on it. The few times I meet people I could like, this is bothersome, the rest of the time I don’t care.

The only contact outside of my family I have enjoyed is in writing. The last 20 years I have had lots of pen friends and I very much enjoy this type of contact, although the pen friendship never lasts longer than 5 years. And I never know why they end. I usually think we get along well, then they just stop writing and never respond to my inquiries about how they are doing and my pleas to at least let me know what’s going on so I can stop waiting for letters that will never come. I think it’s lousy to just keep someone waiting like that.
Sometimes I receive letters from new people who have seen my address in FBs/slams, other times I write to try to get to know someone. I guess that’s a way to seek people out…

Anyway, back to the topic, I don’t seek people out IRL. I need my family and pets, and the online contact of forums like WP, and my life would be wanting without penfriends.
Real life friends? No thanks, all types of social contact make me exhausted and in desperate need to retreat and reload.

Since learning that I'm an Aspie, it's eerie how similar my experiences are to others, even things I didn't associate with being Aspie.

I noted that I have less trouble with foreigners and older Americans. I think it's because Americans of my generation and later are conformists. Anyone different in any way is suspect. At one professional meeting, I like to crash the evening parties. Foreigners and older Americans will actually seek me out. Once, I had a great conversation with an American my age or younger. He turns out he was German. I once went to an event for college students at an embassy. I was the only one with gray hairs (I was a 30 year-old grad student and the rest were undergrads from different schools than mine) and could not even get a glance of acknowledgement. I've never had an American girlfriend. I guess, in the incidents I mentioned in my original post, my Aspieness outweighed my wife's foreignness.

I've been rather unsuccessful in building professional networks. I use Facebook and LinkedIn, but they are of limited use to me professionally. FB is great for personal stuff. The face-to-face networking in one of my professions is useless. The insecure members play dress-up. Unlike them, I have no professional insecurities. I've learned that I need to follow up better when I do establish a connection, as it's rather unnatural for an Aspie. I think FB can be a great help here.

I took a two-week course on leadership with 38 other people. I got tired of seeing them every moment of the day. The organizers wanted us to bond, but I don't do bonding. I have not seen or heard from any of my classmates and never had any great desire to stay in touch with any of them. In the end, nobody asked me to sign off on his Leadership Development Plan. I was so overwhelmed with the touchy-feely stuff that I didn't make an LDP, even though I had already acquired one early in the course. Ultimately, my problem was that I lack an unwritten prerequisite: being an NT.

I read Keith Ferazzi's Never Eat Alone. I've used some of the advice and joined his website, but, ultimately, I lack the NT prerequisite.