This guy at my church is so mean...

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Mutate
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03 Aug 2010, 3:05 pm

The problem with subtle bullying like that is, what do you tell someone, I mean if he was punching you and stealing your money easy, but to go to a leader in the church "well, he asks me questions in a funny way", how do you word it to show how upsetting it is.

aeon555
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03 Aug 2010, 3:20 pm

Our brains just aren't designed to deal with this kind of sneaky quick-fire attack and NTs like him know it only too well.

I would just avoid interacting with him full stop. Just walk away if he tries to engage with you.

Janissy
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03 Aug 2010, 3:35 pm

jc6chan wrote:

He would purposely ask me questions while grinning and then he would laugh at the fact that my answers are short or weird. He is aware that I can't keep up a normal conversation. I think he asks just to "make a funny scene". And when I answer questions that is more than one word, he and other people are like "oooohhh!! ! That was more than one word!!"

The weird thing is that he is like 10 years older than me, so I don't even know why he bothers to be so immature.

Would you like a snappy comeback? When he says things like this, look puzzled and say, "that's funny....how?"

Spazzergasm
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03 Aug 2010, 3:42 pm

No, no learned snarky come backs. it will just lead the dude on.

Willard
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03 Aug 2010, 3:44 pm

The next time he comes up and says something smart-alecky to you, just say to him, a little too loudly:

"Look, I am not gay! Will you please stop hitting on me?"

And walk away from him.

Don't yell it and make a huge scene, just make sure its loud enough for everyone nearby to hear it. Bet he never comes near you again. :wink:

aeon555
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03 Aug 2010, 3:45 pm

Spazzergasm wrote:

No, no learned snarky come backs. it will just lead the dude on.

I agree. He just wants to wind you up, so showing irritation will make his day. No response at all is far better.

Spazzergasm
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03 Aug 2010, 3:52 pm

Yep. And if he keeps going, you'd have used all your ammo, and be even funner to laugh at. :/

Peko
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03 Aug 2010, 4:27 pm

Willard wrote:

That would probably be the only snarky comeback that could work... if it just so happens he's a homophobe and your at church at the time.

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Blindspot149
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03 Aug 2010, 4:35 pm

Willard wrote:

If you do it right, he might never return to the church.

By the way what kind of church has a group that mocks people for being different :?:

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StuartN
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03 Aug 2010, 4:45 pm

Peko wrote:

Willard wrote:

That would probably be the only snarky comeback that could work... if it just so happens he's a homophobe and your at church at the time.

I had a lot of trouble with bullying throughout school (and later), and usually managed to ignore or work a way through or around most of these a***holes until they gave up. But there was one guy who was just intractable - he was much bigger than me, but never did anything unless there was an audience to play to, and then nothing was demeaning or humiliating enough (and I mean he was demeaning and humiliating himself, the depths he stooped to).

So one Monday morning assembly I walked up to him in the front row (so all the kids and all the teachers could see) and handed him a bag of his favourite sweets, with a big "I had to say thank you" and my best attempt at a sincere smile. He never wanted to be seen near me ever again. I am sorry if that spread homophobic prejudice, but I am not sorry that it bought me peace.

monsterland
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03 Aug 2010, 5:00 pm

Honestly... you need to learn to become transparent to this. Until you improve your social skills, there's nothing else you can do.

Once he sees that his questions don't irritate you, that you answer calmly and genuinely, it will take the fun out of it for him.

Peko
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03 Aug 2010, 5:07 pm

StuartN wrote:

I don't see how that could be viewed as spreading homophobia? But that is a true example of what my parents call making someone look like a total ***. You're Brilliant :wink:

Horus
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03 Aug 2010, 5:12 pm

monsterland wrote:

So he can go on to have his "fun" with others who do find them irritating right?

Please don't blame the victim.

Until people start standing up and denouncing the sort of behavior he is engaging in...he will keep doing it to anyone he perceives as an "easy target".

Why is that we always expect the victims to alter their behavior rather than expecting
the perpetrators to do so?

Why must we always go out of our way to accommodate bullies when they face little or no repercussions for their bullying?

aldent88
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03 Aug 2010, 5:17 pm

j0sh wrote:

aldent88 wrote:

Wait you're 19,and from what I can tell from what you've told us, he is in the 29-30ish range and he is making fun of you???

I say kick him in the nuts and run next time he pulls it off. And if he has any sense of self preservation,he WILL stop. If not, keep it up. And if he tries to charge to you with assault or something like that, all you have to do is tell them he was harassing(sp?) you.Making fun of your disability/disorder in front of large groups of people and making you feel uncomfortable, then laughing about it.

Just a tip though, make sure you answer first before you kick, and let him laugh and whatnot, THEN kick and run. Everytime (if he is stupid and it has to happen more than once) this happens follow that routine. This way, he is humiliated/in pain, and youwalk away the victor.

Unless where you live has some sort of completely corrupt court system or something like that, if he tries taking you to court over it, they WILL be forced to listen to your side and probably end up siding with you. Otherwise, they know full well you can take it to another court with more power than they, and pursue both this guy AND the first court for injustice.

Don't believe me??? Its happened to me before.

And we had to take it to another court, and THEY ruled in my favor.

Except it was the School Board Director while we were working at Community Service functions.

I don't think physically assaulting someone in church is a good idea. He's 19 and could be charged as an adult for the act. There are many ways to handle this situation that don't involve likely repercussions involving law enforcement.

I too was an adult at the time. I was 18, working at the local grocery store(I got held back a year while in kindergarten because I missed so much that year cuz of cancer treatments) And its not like I was 17 when I kicked the guy and then turned 18 before the court date. No, school started in mid to late August, and I turned 18 earlier that year in June. This all happened DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR(caps for better clarification)

The reason the guy hadn't bugged me before was because he'd just been elected to that spot just previous to the beginning of the school year and before he was elected to it, was in a position where he had no reason to oversee those kinds of things, so we had never met before, and I had only been in that town for a little over a year and a half.

monsterland
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03 Aug 2010, 5:45 pm

Horus wrote:

You are developing a pattern with gross misinterpretation of my posts. I speak purely from personal experience. Let's look at the guy's options:

1) Punch the bully. IN CHURCH. Yeah, that will end well.
2) Punch the bully. Outside of church. But this will end even worse, because nobody will understand what provoked him.
3) Verbally confront the bully. The bully has far superior talking skills, a louder voice and a more sympathetic audience. This never works. They will out-talk you and make you look like a fool. When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
4) Ignore the bully. Never works.

Therefore, I suggested the only way is to learn to accept this energy without being confrontational. Once the bully realizes he isn't rattling you, and actually you're starting to come off as normal, and he as the "trying too hard" one, he will have to do one of two things:

a) Try to rattle you stronger (which will make his intent more obvious to witnesses)
b) Give up

After all, he can't punch in church either.

j0sh
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03 Aug 2010, 5:48 pm

aldent88 wrote:

j0sh wrote:

aldent88 wrote:

... and?

You got away with it. That doesn't mean everyone will. Following your suggestion has a serious risk of making thing MUCH worse. How things turned out for YOU doesn't mean they will turn out the same way for someone else.

There's more ways to kick someone in the junk than literally doing it. The ones that don't have the possibility of jail-time seem best. I think Willard's suggestion is an excellent example.

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