Let me just run this by you....

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Since many of the issues involved in AS have to do with social skills, it could be. That doesn't make it a dead end road. What Aspies (anyone) have to do is look at the incident as a learning opportunity and use it to figure out how to deal with it so you won't fall into the same problems next time. Take your example, for instance -

"Fluke83" said:

<> we have a cafeteria. they make sandwiches which get put in this vending machine that requires coins
<> the lady had already put them in the machine, and I didn't have any coins, just my card.
<> I figured I could at least get my soda and ask the lady if I could withdraw some cash from her, or buy a youghurt. She said no.
<> She asked me if I had asked about cash to buy something from the vending machine, she could open the machine and get I wanted.
<> I was fed up. I would have liked a sandwich. I said there wasn't anything in there I really wanted anyway...

ISSUES - You only knew part of the rules. It took you until this incident to figure out that they could not make change. You got there 'late' and the food was in the machine.

SOLUTIONS - Carry change so you will be ready next time the food is away. Get there before they move the food.
- Ask the right questions. - You want a sandwich which the lady put in the machine. Getting change is one solution, but address your ultimate need - the food - not the coins. Since she obviously has the ability to open the machine because she put the food in, ask if she can get the one you want out. (You can add that you don't have the change).
Don't give up. You have the right to expect service and that your reasonable needs be met. That's their job and most people will do what they can to help - IF YOU LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!

<> a little stressed out. things not going as I had planned. fed up.

You need a better plan. Include the new tricks (opening the machine) in a plan to get what you want. Include getting to the cafeteria before the food is moved. Start getting ready a few minutes earlier, like closing any files you have open or turn off the machines, etc., so you are ready when the whistle blows. Focus on going right there, without stops to read the bulletin board, etc. Know what you want and several alternatives in case they don't have choice #1. Have plan B for when the food is in the machines. Make lists of what to do and post-it a note to Get Ready 11:45.

<> Sooooo... Sorry for the long backstory, but I realised this is quite a typical situation for me, and they usually end up in mini meltdowns.

If the outcome isn't working, it's time to change how you deal with situations.

<> The issues are getting upset because things are not going as planned,

The plan should include several options, just in case . . .

<> being unable to formulate a new "plan" in a relative short amount of time in a stressful situation/place, I'll usually sort of freeze up, unable to think or do anything before I can remove myself from the situation,

Having choices ready will help. You can always allow the next person in queue to go ahead as you note that you need a moment, "to think about it."

<> and if I do figure out a backup or acceptable solution I get very fixated on that, unable to consider changes or other options.... If everything haven't already gone batshit and I have just left the situation entirely to avoid freaking out big time...

With options at hand, your rigidity may not be a factor. Giving up only makes it harder to try next time.

<> Now, I am not officially diagnosed, but this is one of the many things about me and how I function that I think might be consistent with AS traits.
At least, I have been told, when I have tried to explain how I experience things like this to my family, that reacting and thinking like that is not normal. (They still refuse to even consider that I might have AS, though....)
Does this way I have tried to explain episodes like this sound familiar? Am I totally off my rocker thinking this have anything to do with AS?

Sure, it could be Asperger's, but at this point in your life, what difference will a label make? Your family doesn't see it, or is in denial that they could have a autistic child or that they think you are trying to use it as a crutch, to make up for your issues. You work, so qualifying for SSD is not a factor. The only one it is important to is YOU. And 'knowing' what is 'wrong' with you doesn't make it easier to adjust. It may help you to see where to look, but in the end it's about identifying one's weaknesses and using your strengths to overcome.

ASDs have developmental delays in their Life, Executive Function and Social Skills, making situations like yours hard to fathom. The key is to learn something from these encounters to build those skills. That means looking at them and seeing how YOU could have done things differently, NOT the rest of the world. There's no chance that they will change. That leaves it up to us.

We have to change OUR expectations, not of ourselves, but of what we expect from others or from a particular situation. Where we see one logical outcome, they can produce many, so it becomes necessary to add variables. Think about what's involved and develop plan a, b, c, d, etc. and if someone deals a wild card, step back, figure the new equation and get back in the game.

A hard part of this comes from worrying what other people will think about us, so we get frustrated (with ourselves for not being able to deal with the situation in a manner we did not expect) and hide. As you develop the knack of sizing up situations with several outcomes, a new persona will evolve that is more direct and confident and it may be comforting to go places where you are not known to try it out.

It's like making a movie. You are playing a role, so you put on a different character as you would a jacket and walk onto the set. You know the script and have made notes about how to handle the scene if the other player decides to ad lib. And the more you practice, the easier it will get. Think about real actors. They practice a lot and they look fabulous when they are in a movie, but become total morons off the set as soon as they open their mouths. (Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, Alex Baldwin, etc). If only they could stay in character.

They have trouble because they are pretending to be someone else. You are developing who you are.