pressure to make eye contact

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I don't see the harm in looking at their faces or their body. Eye contact just means look them in the eye so if you just look at their glasses or their hair or their nose or mouth, that is eye contact even if it's not real eye contact. That is what I do anyway and it took me a few years for it to become natural because it became a habit. Plus I like looking at their hand movement. I took my mother's advice and tried it and it worked.

You explained that it makes you uncomfortable and he/she should respect your boundaries and shouldn't force you to make eyecontact.

My therapist also wants me to make eye contact, but she asks me to do it with a saccharine sweet voice instead of insisting I do it. I decline of course, and feel even more uncomfortable when she's focusing on it.

Looking directly at the eyes really freaks me out, i feel the best i can do is look blankly at their face not concentrating at a specific area.

http://www.news.wisc.edu/10772

These counselors sound unreasonable. What if you came from a culture that maintained that direct eye contact was disrespectful? I once tutored a girl from Asia, and she was very polite and did not make a lot of eye contact. I really liked this. When I got to know her better, she explained that where she was born, it was considered rude to stare directly into someone's eyes. So, supposing she wanted counseling from someone not native to her country. What is she supposed to do - make herself uncomfortable because the counselor is uncomfortable? The counselor should learn how other people may operate, and not expect everyone to make them feel at ease. After all, the counselor is not the patient!

I am alright with eye contact.

For them it's a sign that you're listening, or focused on the interchange, rather than distracted, daydreaming, or being resistant. This might not be how you see it, but it is how they see it.

I have a lot of trouble with constant direct eye contact, it can make me feel as if I'm being hypnotized at times.

What I find helpful in situations like that is to find a point of focus beside the person and then shift my gaze directly at them for brief periods of time. Then I'm at least looking in their direction, and that will satisfy a lot of their concern about whether I'm taking part in the conversation.

Also do make sure you're listening and not really being distracted. I find that focus point beside the person helps me with that as well. I try to keep my mind active on what they're saying and nod now and then - genuinely, not pretending to listen.

I think it is her job to to explain why and how eye contact can be helpful
I think it is her job to give you some ideas like the community offered here - like how to fake eye contact.
I think she is over-the-line and WRONG to insist you make eye contact. She can give you information, she can encourage you, and that sort of thing, but the CHOICE IS YOURS.
Professionally, she does not have to agree with you, but she should certainly RESPECT you and not only your choices but what you are able to do or not do - you work with what you have.

Last edited by Logicalmom on 20 Nov 2012, 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I always look somewhere else when listening and when I talk to someone I do make eye contact but its for brief periods of time when I do my eyes kinda tend to wander when I make eye contact too long it makes me nervous. Whats really scary is when an angry NT woman tells me LOOK AT ME WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU!! *shudders*

When someone does that, I just think: control freak. And try not to laugh out loud.

IF I am under pressure to do it I get worse at it because I get nervous.

Yes, she knows that I hate eye contact. She's asked why and I told her it is uncomfortable, but it is hard to verbalize exactly. She said she is used to it now, but other people would not be, so she wants me to try practicing with her, but I don't want to.

Nope, she said eye contact. Then when I said at interviews I force myself to look at forehead or mouth, she wants me to do that from now on. I only do that when I have to. I don't like looking at people who are looking back at me unless I am forced to.

Is she willing to read about autism and eye contact? How on earth is practicing something that will feel uncomfortable for a lifetime make any difference? As far as I know, it never gets comfortable. Maybe she should read this:
http://www.autismspeaks.org/science/sci ... e-learning

No, I don't think it's okay. I think it's disrespectful, insensitive and ignorant for anyone to force a person (child or adult) with ASD to make eye contact.

Eye contact is only part of "normal" social interaction if it's voluntary and meaningful for both people -- otherwise it's one person subjugating another by making them do something against their wishes. If the only reason the person with ASD is making eye contact is because they are being forced to, then the eye contact is meaningless; Forced eye contact is not communicative and serves no particular purpose for the person with ASD other than to appease the person who's forcing it. (If a person with ASD chooses to make -- or fake -- eye contact for their own reasons, that's different.)

"Because I think you need to look normal" is not a good enough reason to make a person with an ASD do something that causes severe discomfort, and/or makes it hard for the person with ASD to see things properly (some people need to use peripheral rather than central vision), and/or makes it impossible for the person with ASD to listen/hear (some people can't look at someone's face and listen to them at the same time).



My opinion is that your counsellor is wrong.

I have found that in most situations, simply explaining that I listen better if I don't look at a person is usually enough to ensure that others know I'm still listening to and interested in what they have to say. Also, there are plenty of other ways to give people feedback about what they're saying besides eye contact (including other nonverbals, like nodding or shaking your head -- or mirroring someone's posture).

If a person was blind, you wouldn't force them to look at you during social interactions because there would be no point and it would be extremely disrespectful. (If a person with ASD gets no information from eye contact or other visual-nonverbals and doesn't give many (or any) visual-nonverbals either, then forcing that person to make eye contact or "look at" you is similarly pointless and disrespectful.) The fact that a person is blind doesn't mean that they can't interact with you, nor does it mean that your interactions with them would be inherently less meaningful than with a sighted-person...Eye contact is not "necessary" for "any" social interaction.