Why is honesty so unwelcome...

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I read a book last year about cognitive dissonance and how people make up their own versions of events to comfort themselves, so they can believe that they are still the person they thought they were. It really got me interested. They don't even know they do it.

For example if someone gets ripped off buying a house for too much money, they will find reasons to believe they didn't get ripped off, because they believe they are too smart to get ripped off and won't want to change that confident opinion they have of themselves. They genuinely convince themselves they didn't make a mistake, that it was a good deal they made and may even encourage others to do the same thing so they can feel even more secure in the fantasy that it wasn't a mistake.

It got me thinking about the connection with Aspies and depression. If I didn't lie awake thinking of every stupid thing I ever did, if I were able to twist it around and believe it was not really a mistake, then I doubt I would have a tendency towards depression.

My family do the memory twist thing, they remember the facts, but with a twist to make it better and can't understand why I don't "get over it" with regards to EVERYTHING!

I really wish I could convince myself I didn't mess up, or no-one was unfair to me and then got away with it.

In other words I WISH I COULD LIE TO MYSELF the way other people can.

So lets say you spend 2 hours making your favourite meal for your friends and you try really hard to make it special because you really like these people and they all eat it and say " that's crap - I would rather eat at McDonalds"

Is that the kind of honesty you're looking for?????

That will insult anyone... who cares about NT vs Aspie in that regard.

But they were being so honest.

Thats a rude way of being honest. You could still be honest and tell them it was interesting but not of your particular liking...or something like that.

I've seen too many times in my life when NTs lie about another person's cooking and be rewarded by future invitations to enjoy the experience all over again

Some people think you can be mean and rude and nasty because you're being "honest" so I have came to believe honesty is just an excuse some people make to be mean. Plus they think it's sugar coating if you are saying things in a nice way still being honest. They just think you have to be mean to be honest. But I am sure this is just something they do online only because "it's the internet" and to me that is very cowardly. I hear people are more honest when they get behind the screen because they say things online they wouldn't not express in real life to anyone.

I don't think it matters how you say it. If you say you didn't like it , you cause the hurt.

Better to find something to like about it and speak about that. (wow the colours are so vivid in those vegies all in the Christmas theme..... wow!) ( wow you are so brave to make this complex dish!! !)

The message that you didn't like it comes through anyway in subtle ways and the fact that you said something complimentary makes the person feel better and like you more because you tried to make them feel better about the situation.

They probably already know it was bad because they are eating it too! so really no need to be honest here!! !! !!

If they are enjoying the food and you say you don't like it you've now gone from insulting the food to insulting their taste!

And if you say it at the table you've now gone to the next level of insulting them in front of their friends.

This is where honesty takes you!! !! !

Pleasant lies are valued more highly than unpleasant truths.

But enough about religion...

I had this experience last night at a pot luck; fortunately no one knows how much you take of each dish. But you still have to take something of each, no matter how disgusting it is. I draw the line at uncooked meat, though.

What? You have to eat every single food at pot luck someone brings? I didn't know that

What if you get full? Are you to make yourself sick?

Lol, so true about being honest. But also true is the person that made the meal likely had their ego bruised because they were told their cooking sucked.

Oh yes! There are only 5 of us and it's important that we all try and compliment each other's dishes.

I am going to a Festivus themed Potluck next Saturday night. Right now there is over 80 people that are supposed to be there.

No worries there, that's for too many people and too much food for people to notice. But I guess my point is that there are certain social costs to too much honesty and sometimes they are not worth it.

the social cost of too much honesty....yup I've paid that price .... no more honesty for this chap!

I would compliment the bowl it's in if necessary to keep the peace and say something positive.

Honesty is unwelcome because everyone lives in their own fantasy bubble, not in reality.

You are threatening their whole world, because you are pointing out that their bubble isn't real when you say they can't cook, in their fantasy, they can cook wonderfully.

Countries have gone to war to defend their (often mistaken) opinions, so there is no doubt its a common theme of human nature.