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Less able to cope: why?

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whirlingmind
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06 Jan 2013, 1:49 pm

Unfortunately, there is no way at the moment that I can get a break. They both don't want to be left with anyone else, when I recently left them with a friend to see my psychologist, when I picked them up they were virtually traumatised by the experience and my eleven year old couldn't stop crying for ages afterwards. (They are both being assessed and are highly sensitive.) I don't have anyone else to leave them with because of my lack of friends and there is no family to support us.

My husband works a seven day week, long hours. He doesn't understand our girls anyway because he is in denial that they are likely to have AS and says they are making things up when he upsets them with insensitive comments about their special interests. He doesn't believe that AS should even be a recognised condition, because he thinks it's too mild.

He blames me for their behaviour (shades of refridgerator mother there!) because he says it's because they "need to be at school with other children". Despite the fact that there were signs of AS from their babyhoods and when they were in school they had many problems with no friends, bullying and being very unhappy.

Luckily because they both love the computer I can grab a few moments when they are on there, but I am still too distracted to do anything such as reading. Just knowing they are in the house is so much of a distraction to me that I can't be myself, find that peace to zone out, or collect my thoughts properly.

I think the state my brain is in, I need some serious therapy and in an ideal world a retreat to recover, but there is no hope of that!


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BlueAbyss
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06 Jan 2013, 1:56 pm

whirlingmind wrote:
Unfortunately, there is no way at the moment that I can get a break. They both don't want to be left with anyone else, when I recently left them with a friend to see my psychologist, when I picked them up they were virtually traumatised by the experience and my eleven year old couldn't stop crying for ages afterwards. (They are both being assessed and are highly sensitive.) I don't have anyone else to leave them with because of my lack of friends and there is no family to support us.

My husband works a seven day week, long hours. He doesn't understand our girls anyway because he is in denial that they are likely to have AS and says they are making things up when he upsets them with insensitive comments about their special interests. He doesn't believe that AS should even be a recognised condition, because he thinks it's too mild.

He blames me for their behaviour (shades of refridgerator mother there!) because he says it's because they "need to be at school with other children". Despite the fact that there were signs of AS from their babyhoods and when they were in school they had many problems with no friends, bullying and being very unhappy.

Luckily because they both love the computer I can grab a few moments when they are on there, but I am still too distracted to do anything such as reading. Just knowing they are in the house is so much of a distraction to me that I can't be myself, find that peace to zone out, or collect my thoughts properly.

I think the state my brain is in, I need some serious therapy and in an ideal world a retreat to recover, but there is no hope of that!

Maybe you could set up a reward system of some kind, get them each a timer that will show elapsed time, and have them see how long they can go without needing help or guidance from you on projects. This could be good for them as well as you, teaching them independence in a fun, rewarding way. You could call it grown-up time or something. It could help wean them off needing your constant attention in a constructive way.


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whirlingmind
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06 Jan 2013, 2:09 pm

Thanks for your ideas.


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BlueAbyss
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06 Jan 2013, 2:16 pm

whirlingmind wrote:
Thanks for your ideas.
Well mine aren't much. I've never had children, but used to babysit a lot and was a girl scout leader for a little while. I can appreciate what a job it is, and maybe it helps to know people here understand in a way I don't think an NT can, how overwhelming it can be.

Since I'm not around children that much - for decades now - I find them overwhelming. I love them, but ... I know that feeling overwhelmed isn't the same as being a bad parent. Parents, even NT parents, need some support.

I hope you can find some peace with your situation. It might even be helpful to let your kids know how overwhelmed you get sometimes. If they are, as you think, on the spectrum, they might understand it easier than your husband can, and be aware that sometimes you need a break too. Depends on how you put it, of course, being careful not to make them feel guilty but just to help them understand where you're coming from. I wish I had realized when I was young how much my mom was putting up with, because I like to think I would have helped out more than I did, and we could have made each other's lives easier as a result. She took on so much, and was, IMO, too selfless about it. You have to insist on something left over for you.


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