Not able to change

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Several reasons.

Online, at one point, squabbling broke out due to a slight bullying issue. I tried to defend myself but got stressed out and did so badly.

Secondly, in real life I don't socialise much so I think people think that makes me weird. I mostly tend to keep to myself a lot and when I do try to socialise I don't really know how to approach people or what to say to them. Plus I can tend to talk to myself although I try not to do this in person.

And when I do make friends I can't always cope, it depends on the friend and how much social interaction they require.

I think people think I am rejecting them.

I ALWAYS rub people the wrong way and end up alienating and I have NO IDEA what I'm doing wrong. I left church today immediately after it was over and sobbed all the way home. I can't stand to hang around and watch people who really like each other and are so happy to see each other with their friends and families. It just reminds me of what I've never had and never will and it just hurts so much.

I couldn't wait to get back home to my special interest. I HATE being alive.

I don't look anymore.

It's why I like arts and crafts and music..it a little bit of something beautiful that I am allowed in this world. It's also why I want to learn to paint and draw. I don't get to share hugs and kisses and love and cuddles but I want to share the beauty I do see out there with others all the same.

It's one way I thought I might be able to share something with the rest of the world. It's worth a try, anyway.

I don't expect to be a great artist, that's not my aim. It's more about self expression and sharing.

I think maybe part of it is just where you live. People in small communities can be very close-knit and wary of outsiders or anyone who seems just a little different.

Even the most socially adept NTs are not able to fit in just anywhere.

I live in a small-town, rural community where most of the families have lived here for many generations, including my own. There are long-standing social dynamics and "feuds" that have gone on for so long that no one even remembers what started them. Certain families get along well, others don't like each other, and some families are more outcast or excluded. Anyway I have heard people who moved here say that they felt totally rejected simply because they are outsiders to it all.

I have known people like this too. I think they just look for any excuse to be the way they want to be. So they can take almost any kind of positive, encouraging advice and twist it around into a justification for being mean or hurting other people.

Well the area does not help. It is a relatively small village and there really isnt much to do around here to go out and socialise anyway. Only the local pub and they were not very nice in there to me. I was told that no one wanted to talk to me because I am too weird. Whatever that means.

It does not help that I am not even from this area (I now reside in Norfolk whereas I am originally from the Midlands), let alone from this village.

I have no idea who is feuding with whom.

I know people here gossip as occasionally someone will tell me, such as the neighbour across the way who sometimes pops round to try for sex when he has had an argument with his girlfriend (I keep sending him home). Apparently people think it is odd that I often sit by myself (when I went to the pub) or that I wear the same coat all the time (um I had a favourite coat, it was my comfy coat, I was fond of my coat until I had to get a new one because it was falling apart. I used to be like that with an old fleece I had. I still grieve for that fleece now..) and because at one point I hardly ever left the house and I kept my curtains drawn (I don't like bright sunlight and at that time all my hobbies were indoor ones..I had no need to keep going out).

People are strange, they gossip about all sorts and then there is the internet. On one site people started posting things such as that I was Schizophrenic because I made a post about experimenting with EVP. I was into parapsychology back then and tried to explain electronic voice phenomena to them but they didn't seem to want to listen and so on. I have had much more than that posted about me in the past.

The problem is is that I have trouble with socialising without having to deal with all that and now Im confused. I don't know how much of my social problems are down to things I am doing wrong and how much are down to other people and their gossip.

Im stuck....im stuck

Socially Im confused and im stuck

Ive tried all the advice people give and its not working.

Im frustrated, confused and stuck.

Unable to change and not a likeable person? That's me.

Is moving back where you came from an option? Some places are friendly, some are not.

Given my financial situation (I am on disability) it would only be possible if I can get an exchange property wise.

I won't cope with moving into a place such as a bedsit or shared house as I am very used to having my own place (I have either rented my own flat, house or bungalow since I was 17) and am not used to living in such close proximity with other humans.

Back where I came from though is 200 miles across the country so its a matter of finding someone who wants to move that far away to an unfriendly village (which might not be the case for them, they might fit in). On the upside I have a cute one bedroom bungalow with front and back garden to exchange. It needs decorating but that is just a matter of preparing the walls and either papering or painting, which I will do myself if I don't move. I've been delaying in case I do move to another place as I'm not sure I want to stay here.

I have decorated a little bit but only with stuff I can take with me.

I'm the same as you, I don't like drama. I don't think arguments are necessary for a relationship, and yet most people seem to want to argue. It's like a tug of war.

I do unfortunately like ranting though.



I agree with you that positive thinking isn't the only thing that's going to help. But when you accept that there are always some people who just won't find you their cup of tea - for me, it does help me in particular in not feeling bad over that.

Are there any meet up groups where you live?

I already accept I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea just as everyone is not going to be mine. But having no one or not even being able to get a meet (platonic or otherwise) with anyone remotely compatible is different.

There is nothing where I live without my traveling for miles. And if I do that it would have to be during the daytime as there is no public transport in the evening and I don't drive a car.

Silly backwater location!

I do like living in the country but the travel costs are a pain in the arse.

I think it's okay. In fact, I like being me. If someone doesn't like me, it's their problem. I, of course, do try to be considerate of others, try not to get on their nerves, but there are some things I just can't help.

Also, I like you. I don't think you are an unlikeable person. I'm sure others here feel the same way.

[quote="dianthus]I live in a small-town, rural community where most of the families have lived here for many generations, including my own. There are long-standing social dynamics and "feuds" that have gone on for so long that no one even remembers what started them. Certain families get along well, others don't like each other, and some families are more outcast or excluded. Anyway I have heard people who moved here say that they felt totally rejected simply because they are outsiders to it all.[/quote]
That is humans in a nutshell.

That is humans in a nutshell.

This whole "being yourself" thing when people don't like that self... looking back, some of the bad things I have been in the past were not really me but were learned early on due to family problems or, later on, learned due to the fact that my AS wasn't diagnosed until it had already ruined my life. It made me very bitter, though I am recovering now and feel much better about people and about life in general.

Nevertheless, there are some things about me that I simply do not want to change because they are really who I am. It has limited the kinds of hobbies that I can do; I wouldn't even bother to keep the expense of having a car if it wasn't for the astronomy club and AS social groups.

Worse, nowhere is this an issue more than in finding a partner. AS women who like at least some of the same things I do are rare. As mentioned in other threads, I was in love a year or so ago with a really nice AS woman I knew at the astronomy club but it didn't work out for various reasons, not least her insecurity about her own AS.

At least it taught me that they do exist and now that I am over her, I will soon start looking again. I'm certainly not going for an NT partner; there are a few NT women I know that are very nice, at least share some of my less esoteric hobbies and might even be able to put up with some of my quirks, but... well put it this way...

Swap "men" with "women" and I will agree wholeheartedly; it's why I've been single all my life. In another post I said that while they can be nice people as "just friends", as regards their emotional behaviour, NT women turn me right off and the above is exactly the reason why. This, more than anything else, is the reason that for many years I was an Aspie supremacist; I never hated NTs, but until recently, despised them as little better than animals; both sexes can be guilty of both kinds of behaviours at different times.

So whether friends or lovers, anybody who cares for me would have to be the sort of people able to take me as they find me, which is why I gravitate to hobbies, such as astronomy or the cat fancy; the hobbies that are full of Aspies or eccentric NTs