Self-diagnosed

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Yes, r2, I know what you mean. A truly good therapist is difficult to find. I know I've encountered a few over the years who were either singularly unhelpful or who contributed significantly to my anxieties - which is even less helpful now I think of it
I'm glad you've found some good ones.
Best of luck with your diagnosis.

Had my second session today. It was gruelling. I was more anxious than last time - visibly shaking, stimming constantly, eyes darting around the room. The clocks were still 20 seconds apart.
I told him I was very anxious (stating the obvious there).
He said he thought I was more anxious this time because I didn't know what to expect from the visit - I was worried about his expectations and worried about what I might get wrong and how that would look. He was right.
He said the sessions were for me, not him, so he gave me permission within his four walls to forget about social conventions.
He then GAVE ME PERMISSION NOT TO LOOK AT HIM.
I immediately started crying, because nobody had ever given me permission not to look at them before. I don't think anyone outside the spectrum could comprehend how wonderful those words were to hear.
He said to make myself comfortable in any way even if it went against 'normal' social rules. I immediately asked if I could sit on the floor (I've never been able to sit comfortably in a chair).
The only thing he asked was that I communicate with him, even if it's solely by typing on my iPad.

We got on the subject of communication difficulties. I told him how I try so hard but always fail and feel like it's my fault. He said, "Well, it IS your fault."
I was a taken aback by this. Then he explained. He likened it to rocks (this piqued my interest because I love rocks). He drew a diagram. He told me when too much force is exerted on rocks, they crack, making a 'fault'. It's not the fault of the rocks, it's the fault of the fault. I see the word fault as 'blame', but really it's my FAULT (meaning the faulty part of my brain).

He then asked me to look at the picture he'd drawn and make observations. I said that the fault made the pattern in the rocks more interesting. Then I observed that I know many people with ASD's and I've never thought of them as bad. I think of them as interesting and quite delightfully different.

Next, he looked at some notes I'd typed. They said:

With regards to communication, my main issue is this:
1) I'm a fairly intelligent person
2) when I use verbal communication, I often appear slow and stupid
3) it hurts me that people think I'm stupid when I'm not
4) I get anxious about appearing stupid and I end up automatically answering, "I don't know" for everything or not speaking at all, which ironically, makes me appear even more stupid.
5) people begin to think I don't know anything so they don't approach me anymore
6) I start to 'beat myself up' about my isolation and stupidity
7) the thoughts become obsessive until I meltdown completely and become depressed

He said he thought I was more than 'fairly intelligent'. He thought I had a high IQ but a low EQ (Emotional Quotient). He observed how people with high EQ seemed intelligent because they were socially agile but could actually be quite stupid. My social awkwardness only appeared to bring down my IQ. We discussed some of my more distressing social blunders, which I won't relate here.

He ended the session by giving me homework - writing my thoughts on some questions.

I feel quite flat after the session. It took a lot out of me. I just want to sit quietly. I don't know why I'm writing all this. I can't imagine anyone would be too interested. I just need to tell someone and it's too hard to, well, TELL someone.

If you've made it to here, congratulations. You have some awesome staying power.

I wish there was a way to clone this therapist. One copy of him for all of us PLEASE!! !!.

You are tired because you are doing work but the right type of work. Being emotional is tiring.

I find it endearing that in the middle of a massive shaking anxious stim you still noticed the clock. I don't know why but I love this.

Raleigh! You have super therapist! Congratulations!! !!
(actually, he sounds a little like mine).
Keep reports coming, if you like.
It is so positive and worth reading!

Yeah, so sorry about the error. Hope your feel better soon Rebbieh.

Your therapist is brilliant. I LOVE the fault story. And what he said about EQ vs. IQ gives me hope for myself as well.

He's certainly unlike any therapist I've been to before. He makes all the others look like clods. We definitely need to work out how to clone him.


Those clocks annoy me so much!

Yes. We can now say, "It's not my fault. It's the fault of the fault."

The EQ explanation gave me hope as well. I know so many people who seem so clever because they are socially proficient but ask them to do something that requires a bit of brain power and they go to pieces. When I think about it, I would rather have a high IQ than only appear to have one.

I LOVE IT...

If I'm in a room with a ticking clock, one of us usually has to go.

How beautifully kind! I feel like crying now, too.

Third visit yesterday. I felt much more relaxed than at my other sessions. I sat on the floor so we were at right angles to each other.
Last time he'd asked me to write some questions for him. I wrote (among other things):
3)
How do people enjoy life?
Is this even possible for me?
What is the point of life if you can't enjoy it?
What does it mean to be happy?

He said he was glad I chose simple questions (I think he was using sarcasm here but in a nice way). I told him about a woman I know who's always telling me things like, "You need to find your joy" like it's a requirement for life. I don't know how to find joy in my life. I don't know the feeling of joy. I can only see it as an external expression.

He asked me if I'd ever felt rage. Or hatred. I said no but I have felt anger and aversion.
He got his laptop and showed me a picture of a street scene with a red brick wall. He then removed the colour from the image and asked me to imagine he was incapable of seeing colour and to explain to him what colour looked like. I told him it was impossible because if he had never seen colour there was no way to describe what it looked like.

He said, "Exactly! There is no way to describe colour to someone who's never seen it. In the same way, there's no way to feel emotions you don't have. Neurotypicals assume that everyone can feel the same range of emotions that they do. For people on the opposite end of the spectrum this isn't always possible. It is quite possible that you will never feel joy. Would you think any less of a person because they can't see colour? Why do you allow people to make you feel inadequate for never feeling joy?"

I realised he was absolutely correct. I've felt so much pressure to feel happy. It was yet another reason to feel like a failure at life. And it was something I couldn't help. I then had a light bulb moment =>

I asked, (quite excited now) "Do you mean I DON'T HAVE TO BE HAPPY? My God! That is such a relief! I'm so happy I don't have to be happy!" We both laughed about the contradictions in this statement for a little while but I truly felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

He said happiness is a myth, set up as the holy grail which puts pressure on people like me. What's more important is physical and mental well-being, good relationships (even if with a limited number of people), reasonable standards of living, satisfying work, the ability to see the beauty in things and the ability to be resilient.

All of which are achievable for me. I don't need to beat myself up about not being happy.

This led to me asking another question. If I don't feel the full range of emotions why do I get so depressed? Isn't depression deep sadness?

He said, "No it's not. Depression is when the brain is exhausted." He picked up a box of tissues. "Imagine this is a brick. How many times do you think you could you lift it up?"

My autistic brain kicked in at this point. I asked him if I could change arms, over what period of time, how far I had to lift it, if I was allowed to rest etc. I think I quite amused him with my need for specifics. He asked if he thought I could lift it a thousand times. I said probably not. He asked why. I said because my muscles would get tired. After a while I wouldn't be able to lift it even if I wanted to. The brain would keep sending signals to my muscles but the muscles would be incapable of responding because they are fatigued.

He explained that the brain is exactly the same. It has one function - to work at solving problems. The brain will keep sending out signals to fix problems but sometimes the signal gets blocked and the brain can't achieve it's goal. In autism the blocks are greater which is why people with ASDs are more prone to depression. Take social blocks. You keep trying to fit in but you can't. Your brain keeps trying to problem solve this situation but you don't achieve a goal so in the end your brain gets fatigued from constantly trying to fix the problem with no solution. You keep asking yourself, "Why don't I fit in? What am I doing wrong?" Your brain becomes exhausted and you get depressed, feeling like you can't go on, just like your muscles become exhausted from over-use and you can't continue using them

At the end of the session we discussed an event that happened at work this week (I was physically restrained) and how deep pressure can abort a meltdown.

I left feeling quite good. The clocks are still ticking 20 seconds out of sync - however, I feel I can almost live with it now.

Keep on posting these. I feel I am receiving the therapy. I am learning a lot.

Hi Raleigh. So happy for you that you have found a psychologist that you like. Sounds wonderful to me too. I'm wondering what more gems he can come up with after three visits.

Raleigh! That man is fantastic, and you are such a good writer! Keep it coming! Like ASPartofme says: It is like recieving the therapy. The explanations are so good.

Fabulous Raleigh