Dos and Don'ts, what worked for you as a kid and what didn't

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Thanks, FandomConnection and TheAP, that's one I hadn't thought of.. but of course, makes sense.
Just added it

I don't have an ASD diagnosis, so I hope you won't mind if I add a do/don't.

If your kid says they can't control some behavior or other, maybe try tentatively believing they're telling the truth, rather than saying, "Oh of course you can," or some other unhelpful variation. See if the kid wants to learn, and maybe model some of that learning yourself by showing the kid how you control your emotions or stop your bad habits. Plus, if you don't give the kid any anger to feed off of, you might actually get better behavior.

Also, child psychologists and such are there for a reason, if you feel like your kid isn't learning well from you. A different perspective can work wonders.

Or, you could use only rewards/punishments and not validate your kid's struggle. If your kid is anything like me, they'll write things in their journal, like, "Why can't I do anything right? I'm just a rude kid. No one understands."

Kind of what Skilpadde said and to stop forcing kids with ASD to socialize if they aren't ready. It's not healthy for us and will cause more stress and make us less ready for actually doing it.

I also had wished there were more quite places that I could have done my school work in. Like going to the library when it was a day to read and do work sheets when the class couldn't be held under control. It wouldn't be on lecture days though because I know that's important.

The lights. Schools are always insanely bright and if I could have worn sunglasses or dimmed the lights somehow I would have felt better.

Going back to the socializing thing what bothered me growing up was just because I'm female I would always get pushed in with the other females. I remember crying every time it happened because I was terrified of them. They made me feel like I wasn't a real girl because I was more like the boys then the girls. So I guess if the kid says I'd rather hang out with the boys or the girls despite being opposite gender just let them it might work out for the better.

For being at home keep it quite, keep the lights dim, hear your kids out when they say they don't want to wear something because ASD is sensory and fabrics come in all types of forms, above all though always listen to your kid and keep a calm tone. When ever my mom got mad at me she'd yell and ground me. It didn't happen a lot but when it did I went into melt down mood. When she learned to keep calm even when she was mad and fully explained why she was upset even when it may have seemed obvious our relationship became so much better. The last thing I can say is that no matter how hard it is for a parent please keep in mind majority of people with ASD don't like to be touched. So coming in for random hugs and kisses is more discomforting then feeling the love. So a little warning a head of time from my mom makes me a little less upset when she does it.

I didn't have a dx as a child, but I always knew something was up with me. I find it hard to believe that my parents and teachers didn't pick up on it too, so I would say one area of improvement would be not ignoring profound and continuous 'odd' behaviour. I am very bad at asking for help, in fact I never learned how, but I do think I would have been nice to have been offered help at some point - even just an acknowledgement that I was different.

Parents and teachers were always trying to make me more social, which was frustrating because they also set me crazy high targets that I would have to forgo socialisation to achieve. They would say I need to get out more, relax more, contribute more in class. It was a constant source of consternation for me, it seemed like they were contradicting themselves. They literally predicted me A*s in every single subject, then when I studied hard to get them they would tell me I need to chill out more. Well which is it?! And I always got my grades, but every report said I should be more present or involved in class. When I asked why, they could never justify it. It just felt like pointless criticism.

Another little but harmful thing was criticising my social skills in public. Quite often if we were in a shop, I would pay and say thank you to the person, but I was very quiet and my parents would say " well say thank you then!". I hated it because the whole transaction (say hello, choose a thing, buy it, pay, make eye contact and say thank you) took real effort from me and then my confidence got shouted down. I actually saw a mum do this exact thing to a little boy when I was on the till at work; he was shy but he bought his drink and said a quiet but definite thank you. She didn't hear and tried to make him " say thank you then!" and I got to give her a look and say "he did say thank you". It was a real cathartic moment; like I say such a small thing, but it happened to me loads of times as a kid and I hated it.

What did work for me was being given a little freedom from those teachers who accepted my differences. Good teachers are few and far between but I had a string of wins where I demonstrated that I could achieve the best outcome by doing things my own way, and they actually let me do it. For example I am a visual learner to an extreme degree; I can think better while I'm drawing and I can store and process information by drawing while I hear/learn/consider it. Most teachers were against my 'doodling' but eventually I got to a point where they let me do it. My English book had hardly any words by my final year, it just looked like a sketchbook . I remember another class where we had to keep our hands flat on the desk while the teacher talked, and my brain was going crazy at me, I just needed to draw so badly!

Criticizing in public - that's important too, I need to look to see if I cover that already. One of my points already on the list is actually never to tell anecdotes about your child within their hearing without their explicit consent EVEN if it's a story that shows them in a positive light. This I've learnt from my son, he HATES it!! ! I have to ask him before telling any story involving him, and if he says 'no' I have to respect that. Luckily the people we hang out with these days are really understanding, and would do the same themselves - the homeschooling group tends to be pretty liberal and respectful towards their kids and their wishes. How refreshing

I second the clothes thing -- some of my lasting memories involve my mother being angry at me and calling me things like spoiled, ungrateful and brat, because an item of clothing she had ordered from a catalog (thus I hadn't had a chance to try it on before purchase) felt quite literally unbearable to me.

My mother became hateful to me for things like this, because she just didn't understand what was actually happening, and I remember I was even so young that I wasn't even verbal enough yet to actually describe why I couldn't wear that item.

I actually remember what it was like to be my toddler self unable to explain why I HAD TO GET OUT of that dress or those woolen trousers. I hadn't been diagnosed in childhood, thus all my mother knew was that I was some kind of devil brat. But I wasn't being a brat or trying to be horrible, my distress was genuine, I just couldn't verbalize it.

Here was something my dad's cousin did to me when I was 15 and the way she said it was too much for me because it destroyed my relationship with my grandfather for the next six years until his death. My dad's cousin told me I was selfish and that my grandfather had a bad heart and was diabetic and I had upset him and he could die from it because of his bad heart and I was so selfish. I was then afraid to be around my grandfather because I was worried I could upset him again and I didn't want him to die and have it be my fault so I stayed out of his hair. I interpreted it as her telling me it would be my fault if he dies from a bad heart if I upset him. She didn't literally say it would have been my fault if he dies from a bad heart if I upset him. I was emotionally fragile so any criticism would have been taken extreme by me and given me anxiety. This might be true for all kids because my mom told me how it makes her angry she did that because that was no way to talk to a child. Plus I have read that teens are very vulnerable about emotions so talking to them that way by putting them down doesn't help. But apparently this is the norm because I've read that 90% of parents do this.