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Requiring people to be blunt instead of implying things?

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League_Girl
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05 Jan 2018, 2:40 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
HistoryGal wrote:
What about the friend that runs hot and cold?


Those are the worst. I hate wondering how this person is going to act every time I see them.


I have known quite a few people like that and two in real life. I just avoid them and if I have to be around them, I try to minimize my contact with them as much as I can. Pretend they are not in the room, do not say anything to them, don't comment on anything they say, do not add to anything they say, do not say anything to them or even speak to them unless they ask you a question, then you answer and say nothing else. This is what I had to do at one of my autism groups and this is what I did with my dad's cousin. The weird thing is, one of them was normal and the other one wasn't. But the other was more extreme than my dad's cousin.

Edit: couple words


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Last edited by League_Girl on 05 Jan 2018, 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ladyelaine
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05 Jan 2018, 2:45 pm

League_Girl wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
HistoryGal wrote:
What about the friend that runs hot and cold?


Those are the worst. I hate wondering how this person is going to act every time I see them.


I have known quite a few people like that and one in real life. I just avoid them and if I have to be around them, I try to minimize my contact with them as much as I can. Pretend they are not in the room, do not say anything to them, don't comment on anything they say, do not add to anything they say, do not say anything to them or even speak to them unless they ask you a question, then you answer and say nothing else. This is what I had to do at one of my autism groups and this is what I did with my dad's friend. The weird thing is, one of them was normal and the other one wasn't. But the other was more extreme than my dad's cousin.


I deal with them the same way you deal with them.



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05 Jan 2018, 3:05 pm

I almost always need to have things clarified and spelled out more plainly for me. I don't guess, I ask. People who will answer, try to communicate in ways that work for me, and value my friendship enough to learn to be more blunt for me tend to stay in my life. People who won't stop obfuscating and being unclear eventually get shut out.


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ladyelaine
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05 Jan 2018, 3:07 pm

MissChess wrote:
I almost always need to have things clarified and spelled out more plainly for me. I don't guess, I ask. People who will answer, try to communicate in ways that work for me, and value my friendship enough to learn to be more blunt for me tend to stay in my life. People who won't stop obfuscating and being unclear eventually get shut out.


That's a good way to deal with those people. I'm glad you got some decent people in your life.



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05 Jan 2018, 3:12 pm

I have similar problems reading people. Within this last year, I've tried a new approach to making friends: initially disclosing the fact that I'm socially awkward and that I require frankness because I have difficulty reading subtle social cues.

This has led to mixed results depending on the person. I have made one good friend, but she is very much like myself and relished my honesty. However, I have made a few ememies. Of course, they initially started out as friends, but ended up hating me after a few months. This was unfortunate, but they saw my confession as a free ticket to manipulate me. They wrongly assumed that I was unaware of their lies and deceit because I didn't respond as a NT. It is partly my fault because I allowed their lies and manipulation to continue by giving them every opportunity to see that I would still be a good friend to them even though I could see their trueselves beneath all of their projections. Plus, I would freeze when I should have called them out. By the time I could think of the appropriate words to say, too much time had passed, and the moment was lost.

After a few months, they one day realized that I was just playing along. It horrified them because they were overconfident and vulnerable. I knew too much; therefore, I needed to be destroyed!!

Through these social experiments, I've learned an extremely hard lesson that I should have learned in high school. Consequently, if I had the same opportunity, I would be upfront as before, but run like hell if I noticed that they were manipulative. Those type of people are who they are (cannot snap out of it and be real) and are not worthy of my time.



ladyelaine
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05 Jan 2018, 3:20 pm

Idiosyncratic wrote:
I have similar problems reading people. Within this last year, I've tried a new approach to making friends: initially disclosing the fact that I'm socially awkward and that I require frankness because I have difficulty reading subtle social cues.

This has led to mixed results depending on the person. I have made one good friend, but she is very much like myself and relished my honesty. However, I have made a few ememies. Of course, they initially started out as friends, but ended up hating me after a few months. This was unfortunate, but they saw my confession as a free ticket to manipulate me. They wrongly assumed that I was unaware of their lies and deceit because I didn't respond as a NT. It is partly my fault because I allowed their lies and manipulation to continue by giving them every opportunity to see that I would still be a good friend to them even though I could see their trueselves beneath all of their projections. Plus, I would freeze when I should have called them out. By the time I could think of the appropriate words to say, too much time had passed, and the moment was lost.

After a few months, they one day realized that I was just playing along. It horrified them because they were overconfident and vulnerable. I knew too much; therefore, I needed to be destroyed!!

Through these social experiments, I've learned an extremely hard lesson that I should have learned in high school. Consequently, if I had the same opportunity, I would be upfront as before, but run like hell if I noticed that they were manipulative. Those type of people are who they are (cannot snap out of it and be real) and are not worthy of my time.


I make an effort not to reveal my weaknesses to people because they will take advantage of me. People are quick to figure out that I'm different. People hate it when we catch on to their manipulative BS. I have learned to reserve my loyalty for those who prove themselves worthy of my loyalty.



Idiosyncratic
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05 Jan 2018, 3:38 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
Idiosyncratic wrote:
I have similar problems reading people. Within this last year, I've tried a new approach to making friends: initially disclosing the fact that I'm socially awkward and that I require frankness because I have difficulty reading subtle social cues.

This has led to mixed results depending on the person. I have made one good friend, but she is very much like myself and relished my honesty. However, I have made a few ememies. Of course, they initially started out as friends, but ended up hating me after a few months. This was unfortunate, but they saw my confession as a free ticket to manipulate me. They wrongly assumed that I was unaware of their lies and deceit because I didn't respond as a NT. It is partly my fault because I allowed their lies and manipulation to continue by giving them every opportunity to see that I would still be a good friend to them even though I could see their trueselves beneath all of their projections. Plus, I would freeze when I should have called them out. By the time I could think of the appropriate words to say, too much time had passed, and the moment was lost.

After a few months, they one day realized that I was just playing along. It horrified them because they were overconfident and vulnerable. I knew too much; therefore, I needed to be destroyed!!

Through these social experiments, I've learned an extremely hard lesson that I should have learned in high school. Consequently, if I had the same opportunity, I would be upfront as before, but run like hell if I noticed that they were manipulative. Those type of people are who they are (cannot snap out of it and be real) and are not worthy of my time.


I make an effort not to reveal my weaknesses to people because they will take advantage of me. People are quick to figure out that I'm different. People hate it when we catch on to their manipulative BS. I have learned to reserve my loyalty for those who prove themselves worthy of my loyalty.


You are wise to be careful about exposing your weaknesses and only doling out trust in small increments. One good friend gave me similar advice to yours afterwards.

My technique worked with the right person, but I'm not sure what I'll do in the future. As for now, I don't want to put myself out there like that anymore, but I did learn a lot.



ladyelaine
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05 Jan 2018, 3:42 pm

Idiosyncratic wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
Idiosyncratic wrote:
I have similar problems reading people. Within this last year, I've tried a new approach to making friends: initially disclosing the fact that I'm socially awkward and that I require frankness because I have difficulty reading subtle social cues.

This has led to mixed results depending on the person. I have made one good friend, but she is very much like myself and relished my honesty. However, I have made a few ememies. Of course, they initially started out as friends, but ended up hating me after a few months. This was unfortunate, but they saw my confession as a free ticket to manipulate me. They wrongly assumed that I was unaware of their lies and deceit because I didn't respond as a NT. It is partly my fault because I allowed their lies and manipulation to continue by giving them every opportunity to see that I would still be a good friend to them even though I could see their trueselves beneath all of their projections. Plus, I would freeze when I should have called them out. By the time I could think of the appropriate words to say, too much time had passed, and the moment was lost.

After a few months, they one day realized that I was just playing along. It horrified them because they were overconfident and vulnerable. I knew too much; therefore, I needed to be destroyed!!

Through these social experiments, I've learned an extremely hard lesson that I should have learned in high school. Consequently, if I had the same opportunity, I would be upfront as before, but run like hell if I noticed that they were manipulative. Those type of people are who they are (cannot snap out of it and be real) and are not worthy of my time.


I make an effort not to reveal my weaknesses to people because they will take advantage of me. People are quick to figure out that I'm different. People hate it when we catch on to their manipulative BS. I have learned to reserve my loyalty for those who prove themselves worthy of my loyalty.


You are wise to be careful about exposing your weaknesses and only doling out trust in small increments. One good friend gave me similar advice to yours afterwards.

My technique worked with the right person, but I'm not sure what I'll do in the future. As for now, I don't want to put myself out there like that anymore, but I did learn a lot.


My mother gave me the advice at weaknesses and I learned about the loyalty stuff from experience dealing with lots of toxic people.



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05 Jan 2018, 4:50 pm

MissChess wrote:
I almost always need to have things clarified and spelled out more plainly for me. I don't guess, I ask. People who will answer, try to communicate in ways that work for me, and value my friendship enough to learn to be more blunt for me tend to stay in my life. People who won't stop obfuscating and being unclear eventually get shut out.


This has worked for me pretty well too.


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livingwithautism
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05 Jan 2018, 7:26 pm

Trum wrote:
I was wondering, i recently got diagnosed with ASD and recently i have had a few problems with people where it seems i need to be told outright simple things like "im your friend" instead of just assuming these simple things. Without a conformation i cant be 100% of anything so im always fishing for a statement thats an absolute. Is this a common thing or is this just me?


I had an issue with this last night where I was very angry and said I wanted to break something. My mom said "break something you never want to see again," so I immediately knocked over a candlestick with an electronic candle. My dad got really angry and I don't understand why because how was I supposed to understand it was implied that it should be a possession of mine.



xatrix26
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06 Jan 2018, 6:29 am

Trum wrote:
I was wondering, i recently got diagnosed with ASD and recently i have had a few problems with people where it seems i need to be told outright simple things like "im your friend" instead of just assuming these simple things. Without a conformation i cant be 100% of anything so im always fishing for a statement thats an absolute. Is this a common thing or is this just me?


It drives me barmy when people can't be straight forward with facts like what you've mentioned. Many NTs see such verbal conveyances to be on the eccentric side so stuff like this is only something that ASDs really appreciate.

I wish NTs were much more straight forward without being rude or blunt. It takes practice but its quite doable.


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06 Jan 2018, 7:53 am

ladyelaine wrote:
As far as friendship goes, a person's friendship is determined by their actions towards me. Do they stay in touch? Do they accept me as I am? Can I trust them not to blab my business to the whole world? Do they have my back through the good and the bad?



I wish someone had spelled this one out for me when I was much younger. I very frequently misinterpret whether the person is interested in being a friend, acquaintance, romantic interest, or manipulator. I listen to the words and forget to look at the actions.



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06 Jan 2018, 8:45 am

blazingstar wrote:
MissChess wrote:
I almost always need to have things clarified and spelled out more plainly for me. I don't guess, I ask. People who will answer, try to communicate in ways that work for me, and value my friendship enough to learn to be more blunt for me tend to stay in my life. People who won't stop obfuscating and being unclear eventually get shut out.


This has worked for me pretty well too.


For me as well. Unless I notice that they are genuinely, struggling to be clear. Although, that in itself, can sometimes, be hard to decipher.



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06 Jan 2018, 8:57 am

I'd just like to point out one thing about bluntness: just because someone is being blunt doesn't mean they're being truthful. A lot of autistics like bluntness because it's clear, but if the person's blunt talk is a lie, you're still being mind F'ed.



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06 Jan 2018, 9:08 am

Same for me. Just come out and say what you have to say. No hints. No metaphors. Just straight forward talk please.



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06 Jan 2018, 9:10 am

livingwithautism wrote:
Trum wrote:
I was wondering, i recently got diagnosed with ASD and recently i have had a few problems with people where it seems i need to be told outright simple things like "im your friend" instead of just assuming these simple things. Without a conformation i cant be 100% of anything so im always fishing for a statement thats an absolute. Is this a common thing or is this just me?


I had an issue with this last night where I was very angry and said I wanted to break something. My mom said "break something you never want to see again," so I immediately knocked over a candlestick with an electronic candle. My dad got really angry and I don't understand why because how was I supposed to understand it was implied that it should be a possession of mine.


LOL you'd think he would know better than that by now. Serves him right.

Edit: I didn't read that right. Your mom should have known better. If my mom had said that to me when I was upset, I would have done away with a figurine of hers I hate.



Last edited by EzraS on 06 Jan 2018, 9:15 am, edited 1 time in total.