Describe a Meltdown

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inability to cope with the situation you are in.

This is what I wrote in my essay the other day about what it's like to have a meltdown for me.

Yep, much of that sounds familiar.

When I started really seriously reading up on AS, I kept thinking "well, at least I don't get meltdowns, thank God." Then I realised over the weekend I do, they're just rare. I think I'd describe it as a "feedback loop," in my head, a particularly stressful thought or feeling just gets run in circles again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and... (enough to emphasise the point?). I don't get angry or shout, for the most part, I just shut down completely, getting consumed in this miserable thought and feeling. I think it's usually based around something I cannot do, that I've somehow been forced to, or a situation I don't want to be in. So there's a lot of self-loathing and hatred of my own inability to do something, as well as directed anger at whoever or whatever put me in the situation. I think this sometimes escalates to self-harm, although since I'd usually have moved myself somewhere private, and won't go anywhere else, I think it's been limited to scratching myself in the last few years.
To give a concrete example, I hate dancing. It's like a distillation of everything I hate about myself - putting yourself as the center of attention, not understanding the appeal and so not enjoying it, and my own inherent ineptitude, my inability to move my limbs to the beat of the music (I think this is part of my lack of coordination from the AS), it just causes this deep discomfort that I can't begin to describe fully. Put me in that situation, and as soon as I can flee I will, to somewhere quiet, and I'll just... shut down, re-running it again and again, my own feelings of inadequacy and inability, my separation from others (everyone else enjoys it, they must see I hate it and I can't do it and I'm a terrible human being and, and, and...).
Hell, even writing this has given me a headache, I'm feeling sick to my stomach, my heart is racing, I'm jittery, my vision is tunnelling.. you get the idea.

My melt downs are generally more internal than external, or sometimes a little bit of both.

Usually during a meltdown I will start to feel extreme anxiety and then for some strange reasons sounds feel like they are echoing and getting louder. I will usually just stare at nothing and sometimes rock or squeal.

Sometimes I will have external meltdown like crying or screaming, but not screaming at anyone, just screaming in general. Sometimes I will throw things because I will feel uncontrolable anger.

I guess the meltdown depends on the situation that I am in.

Meltdowns from me are usually pretty much controlled with me these days compared when i was a little boy and i just wanted to throw a tantrum at absolutely eveything o make sure i got my own way. I just wanted to throw things at the offending party, these days its probably i frustrating feeling inside and i probably fist the table or a keyboard or something just to try and let a little anger out and try and recompose myself like nothings happened. Sometimes might damage something its if a little serious like throwing a cup or bottle on the floor to smash it.

Today was a very tough day for me today. When I heard that McLaren were docked of its constructors points for this season, that sent me furious as my team were bound to win the constructors for the first time since 1998!! !. Its even worse now that Ferrari are going to win now...

Generally, a meltdown for me is internal. I get more and more frustrated and angry, and my audio processing often becomes...um...weird. It's hard to explain that part. It becomes hard to determine whether a sound is close or distant. Anyway, I become upset to the point where I have to leave to find a place to be alone, immediately. This is often very confusing to those around me, as I suddenly appear angry for no good reason, and then just leave with no explanation. It's as though something in my mind is yelling "You have to get away from here, NOW!"

I find that when I get away from people, and just curl up into a ball, I calm down after a while. Sometimes rocking helps a lot too.

I get these quite a lot under any conditions that I find overwhelming, frustrating or that cause some sort of conflict in my mind. I freeze and then a rage comes from nowhere and I just let loose with my fists, punching myself, punching things around me, kicking things, throwing things, breaking things, crying, shouting obscenities... I rarely hit anyone else though, just myself. They really are truly horrible and I hate the way they can cause me to go from this fairly calm and detached person to a child having a major temper tantrum.

I cry like a little baby and throw things and if it gets really bad I hit my head and bite myself and if people try to calm me down, it just makes me cry harder because they are overwhelming me. I can get it under control, I just need to be alone for a while, like an hour, and then I can talk about it rationally, but if anyone tries to approach me either with kindness or negativity, it just makes me lose it and it will take even longer before I am calm again. So basically the golden rule that I have to remember is that if I sense it happening, I have to remove myself from the situation or else I go nuts.

I don't know why my mom never learned this when I was a teenager and most prone to meltdowns, she'd keep talking to me and either scolding me or trying to comfort me when I was still upset. This just made it last all night sometimes.