How do I correct an Aspie teen boy with out making feel like

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I am very well integrated to the normative way of thinking about things, but very gimped, it's like running virtualPC on a macintosh, it can do the same functions at a greatly reduced level and speed, when I am naturally akin to the basic operating system (of course)

also it ought to be 7X5 +5 +2 because 6X7 is 42 so 35+5+2

I have noticed that I tend to skip over details often like this and make small errors in calculation that affect the outcome of my answer and also have to invent ways of thinking about things but get them pretty quickly in that intuitive way you were speaking about

I was thinking of the term "generalist autistic" but I'm not sure if that'd quite fit

I should mention that what is logic is essentially mathematical in nature (there's something called formal logic)

rationality is generally considered to be "logic + context + intuition + self interest"

and since intuition and self interest aren't quantitative, if one doesn't have knowledge of others' emotional states then one can find problems with understanding how they work with, which can skew intuition in some cases, leading to irrationality with logic

the two are different, specific terms with specific meanings

my sleep schedule went off in some direction starting around 14 and has never solidified but is generally a night owl schedule

Ok Noobler give me some feed back here. So first we discussed a trigger word. He chose "pee" because he thought it would make him laugh. The deal is that if I say the trigger word he must stop speaking period. In ten minutes he can explain anything he wants to me and I will not get angry with him and will explain my side of things to him as well. We used it once so far and it worked perfectly. He gets so mouthy that I just hear his attitude and get angry and I can't "hear" what he is trying to tell me because of it. I explaind to him that was why I wanted to use it. Not so he couldn't speak but so we could both cool down and deal with the issue not our attitudes.

Then I sent him this email. ( I used names but made changes to them for posting)

Hi Son

I am hoping to cut down on some of your frustration and thinking I am angry with you by letting you know exactly what I need from you and why I need you to do it that way. You can ask questions if you like.

In a family every member has responsibilities and must contribute to the family. This can be done by paying bills, doing chores and communicating with each other. When everyone feels they are contributing and communicating the home is full of happiness and everyone can enjoy themselves and lots of free time. When any member does not contribute the amount equal to everyone elses contribution it makes the rest of the family annoyed and when they express this annoyance if the person not contributing gets a negative attitude the rest of the family becomes angry because the negative person is not doing their part to create a happy environment. Although you are the kid and feel you are the only one who finds themself in this position that is not true. I have told boyfriend the things I need from him like specific things I need him to do around the house and he has told me that my clutter is distracting to him and it makes him grumpy sometimes because he can't concentrate. He is working on helping around the house, I am working on my clutter and I need you to work on your tasks as well.

There are 3 things I want you to work on but we are going to take them one at a time.

The first one is the dishes.
1. When you get home from school and finish your snack, put down your cell phone and check to see if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. If they are not skip to number 3.

2. If they are put them away thinking about where each item needs to go and how it should be stacked. If you can't remember right away put it aside and come back to it

3. Put any dishes in the sink into the dishwasher. It is important to load the dishwasher the way I have shown you so that all of the dishes get clean and there is no food and germs left on them. Food and germs can make us all sick and some can even kill a person.

4. After dinner clear all the dishes from the table. Scrape the food in the trash. Rinse the dishes well and load them in the dishwasher correctly so they all get clean and no one gets sick.

5. Run hot soapy water in the sink and handwash the items that do not go in the dishwasher. You need to press firmly on the dishes when you scrub so you get not only the things you can see off of them but also the things you can't that can make someone sick. Rinse them well and put them to the side to dry.

6. Look around and see if you can find any more dishes on the counters or stove or table. Go in your room and if there are cups or dishes in there bring them to the kitchen and hand wash them

7. Dry and put away the dishes you have washed.

8. Look around one more time for missed dishes and when you are sure there are none drain the sink, squeeze out all the water from the sponge and the dishes are done.

I appreciate your help and contribution to our family and I love you very much. Ask me questions if you have any.


His only question was.. can I wait until boyfriend is off work so my noise doesn't disrupt him? (he works from home) My response. That is very good thinking. I hadn't thought of that. I am proud of you. Yes you can wait.

This evening when he is doing the dishes I will work on folding some clothes near him so we can chat while he does them as someone has suggested previously.

Well in all honesty it might not be that he would rather daydream, it may not even be daydreaming. I know ever since I was a kid I tended to space out quite a bit, or I'd be too overwhelmed with everything going on around me and in my head that would make it hard to focus. Not really sure what helps that I mean I am 23 and I still do things like accidently put milk in the cupboard, forget to clean up after myself and such like once I realise it I usually try to correct the mistake. But yeah I always found it upsetting when people get on me about it accusing me of just not doing things like that on purpose when that is not the case at all.

Maybe you could encourage him to write lists or little reminders of things, that might help some, maybe try to be understanding that it might not be his intention, which likely is the case if he gets really embarrassed about being called out on it. But I am not sure the exact situation I just know how it is with me.........its bad enough forgetting simple things or missing spots on dishes and such due to spacing out or being overwhelmed and distracted and usually having someone jump on you about it makes it worse. I mean in my case I will already end up feeling like an idiot and then I feel even more like one when someone points out 'well you should just remember to do that' My moms boyfriend pisses me off a lot that way when I've explained to him simply politely reminding me is best rather then turning it into a 'well you should just remember to do it.' its like 'well if I could I would.' But yeah even if he does 'get it' that doesn't mean he can do it. For instance I get that working quickly and efficient is something needed for lots of jobs.........yet I can't keep up no matter how hard I try.

I completely understand where you are coming from and how frustrating it must be for you. I try to remember to see things from his perspective. I have been trying to explain mine too. As frustrating as it is for you to be called out it is equally frustrating for us having to do it. It is not that I want to be frustrated with him. I don't want to feel this emotion anymore than he wants to mess up. It has gottena lot better since I have had the opportunity to interact here with people who live with AS and I have found them to really give me insight to the processing it is getting somewhat easier to not get as frustrated. With my boyfriend this learning process has been easier. With him it is more about giving him specific clear information and then he does well. I have also noticed the less I make him try to figure out what I mean the more of the things I need him to do get done without my asking. I have told them both that I will be direct from now on and they can assume what I am saying is what I mean. I have also been finding that by me acknowledgeing their traits by saying something like "I understand you need me to be direct" or "I have finally realized if I ask for this" that they both start telling me what they need. Like yesterday I had a travel mug on the counter and he knocked it off. He covered his ears fast and reacted as if it was something huge. He had this look of horror on his face and blurted out I just can't handle this. He normally just keeps it to myself. We were able to discuss it and he ended up telling ne the clutter in that area makes it impossible for him to concentrate when he is over there. That is a huge step here. The baby is sick so I will be off tomorrow and am looking forward to getting the clutter under control

Lori, here is something else I thought of: Why do you have so many dishes? Perhaps you can store some of them away, because after all, there are only 3 people so 3 or at most 4 place settings should be enough. It sounds like what you have is overwhelming. Is your counter cluttered? That can be a distraction. There may also be too many items in your cabinets. When I was at home and my mother was not, I would set the counter as if I was getting ready to sell the house, with only the toaster and coffee maker on the counter, it is much neater and less distracting. With only this many dishes, once the sink is full the dishwasher would be almost empty and a lot less stressful (for you to and everyone!) to deal with. Why are so many things hand wash only? When I buy cookware and dishes if it does not go in the machine, I don't buy it.

When hand washing do NOT cheap out on the, as the British call it, "Washing up liquid". Get a good one like Dawn, those cheap ones feel icky.

If dishes are not coming out of the dishwasher clean it may not be his fault in loading at all. Last year some of the states banned phosphates in dishwasher detergents. The manufacturers, not wanting to make detergent for only certain states, stopped adding phosphates to all detergents in the nation. As a result, spots and white deposits and even soil that used to be gone in 2010 is hanging around this year. So some items may need another "trip' through the dishwasher. I always thought Michelle Obama should pressure her husband into getting the phosphates back in but she probably doesn' t know because in the White House, the have a staff to polish the silverware. Oh, and some of new dishwashers with an "energy star"? They use so little hot water that they don't clean as well as they used to. And no, what went through the dishwasher is not going to kill you. You might want to check your water heater too- it should be hot enough to hurt but not burn.

Finally, keep some paper plates and disposable cups to use if someone has to snack late at night once in awhile, that might help with no waking up with dirty dishes.

I dont remember washing dishes on a regular basis when I was 13.

Later when I was college age- yes.
Even then my stupid mom didnt really train me how to do it.

My sister had to do my mom's job of showing me an efficient assembly-line way of washing the dishes.

Im venting.

But yeah- you're asking alot of a 13 year old.

Just lighten up

Concentrate on expecting a few tasks from him.
AND -make sure that youve actually shown him how to do the task.

I hope I never come across as defensive. Everyone has such valid points I try to clarify what I already do or don't do so I can get advice on what I am not doing for him. Dishwashing soap... Always pilmolive dawn or joy. I had only yesterday wondered if the dishwasher needed a cleaning out and did a cleanse cycle. I personally washed every dish in the house because I felt that was too much for him. There are never THAT many dishes. I broke it up into twice a day to try to make it even less. It is about 3 settings for breakfast and maybe one snack plate. I put my stuff in the dishwasher no one else will with out reminders but I think I have figured that part out and will get to it in a minute. I know when a pan will be difficult to wash and I am picky about the two year olds sippy cus so I do all of that on my own. He is 100% capable of the task and has done a perfect job many times and I have made a huge fuss over it. Yes.. ny counters are cluttered. The funny thing is although I have not directly approached my boyfriend on my certainty he is AS I have been discussing his traits and he has been very open to that. I have told him about how much information I am getting here then I say something like I have noticed when there is too much going on while you are cooking dinner you seem frustrated. I am going to take the baby in the other room to play. Is there anything else I can do. He has been very responsive to this and seems relieved that I seem to get it. He has never been one to say anything that even might be seen as negative and I have been encourageing him to be more open and assured him I would not take offense. So he ended up telling me he can't concentrate with the clutter. It confuses him. As much of it is his as mine so I didn't think much of it before. I multi task and jump between many projects at once. So I have been working on getting us all organized and uncluttered. I started in the kitchen and it has made a big difference for both of them. And I think maybe that is why they couldn't put their dishes in the dishwashing. Just too much going on to stay focused. This experience has been very eye opening and I have been exploring myself more deeply too. When something is not going the way I feel it should... And u am not overly picky so there are not a lot of things... But before I say anything to either of them I run this drill with myself. What do you want? Why do you want it... And this can't be "just cause I do" with the dishes it is I can't do everything on my own and need help. This is a task I feel he is capable of doing... And how do I need this to be accomplished... Then I do what I did in the email I sent him. It has helped ne more deeply explore what I want. Sometimes when I do the drill I realize to meet my expectations I need to keep this task as one I do so I remove it from who ever I had asked to do it. I say something like. I really appreciate your help and you are doing a great job but I am fussy about this so I will do it would you mind doing.xyz.. I love the way you do that.

Seriously, put a whiteboard up where he will see it frequently. I would not get anything done without my whiteboard. Do not overwhelm him with too many tasks at once. Keep the list on the whiteboard and tell him you will not b***h at him if he completes 1 or 2 tasks off of it. I really think you will never be able to really understand how freaking hard it is for us to do something we have no real interest in doing. I can "make" myself do things but it is miserable.

I really do understand to a degree.. I have to work hard at staying focused on one task at a time. I did well in ny years waiting tables because my mind is clearer when I have more going on than you think one person can process. I never mad mistakes when we were busy. Only on slow night. It is really asking more than I can do to unclutter. I struggle as much in over organization as they do in clutter. But I love and adore this two more than I care about things being difficult for me. I know they meet with more hate, evilness and frustration in their lives because of things people don't bother to try to understand. Books only made me feel worse. It never felt like they were written with solutions only complaints about the difficulties of loving someone with AS. I don't define them as AS. They are my heart and my world and both bring me miles more joy than frustration. I am getting a lot of positive information here and when I learn the rules it is amazing how much easier it is for them to cope. My bf has already figured out how to make it when he is out of the safety of our home. I want my son to have that as well. If I can figure out his methods I can help him figure out how to communicate those when he needs to. When it matters. So he can ask his boss to email him instead of explaining.. so he can help his girlfriend or wife understand his willingness to be the man she wants but he needs different things. I would be deviated if he had to go through as many awful experiences as my boyfriend. But I hope if he does he will come out of it the same. Kind sweet and loving and never giving up hope that someone will love and accept him as he is.

Sounds like you have AS as well. You have just learned to accept it and deal with it. It is harder for some than others. Remember to ASK him to do things. We do not handle commands very well.

I get that a lot on here. I am dislexic and there are some similarities as far as there are processing differences from the "normal" way but far more adaptable no social issues well except that I am chatty. I am quirky in my own way but I am truly comfortable and enjoy all social situations. I see where not knowing me in person you would see that but I don't think I really am. However, you are right. I totally accept myself quirks and all. I have no desire to be normal or average or like everyone else. Most people like me. Those who don't someone always ends up asking them why not. The answer is always the same... I don't know she just bugs me...usually it is that I over explain things and try to be nice and helpful even though they are not nice to me. My bad asked me a few weeks ago why I put myself "through it" with regard to a particular person I have to deal with. I just told her I am the same person regardless of how I am treated. I am not going to do less than my very best even if it is easier... Because I didn't just submit the information she gave me because I knew it would be denied and I had to beg and basically told I was an idiot for asking for it. But I kept asking for it and the patient got his treatment and that was with it