How Have you processed death?

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My brother died when I was 6 he was 16 months old, and I didn't cry at the funeral. I have had other family members die and I didn't cry but when my cat got put down in 2003 I couldn't stop crying. Strange that.
I don't care when famous people die, I wonder why people make such a big deal over celebrity deaths, there are a billion other people that have died that day and they don't make a fuss about that. Leave the grieving to the people that actually knew them I say. And also I've noticed when famous people die they suddenly become more popular, elvis for example everyone knows he was s**t but now when it's the anniversary of his death people go to big elvis shrines holding candles, like he's jesus or something.

I do feel grief, but can't express it at all. This has been a huge problem for me, since nearly all the people I've ever been able to connect with have passed away. I never actually reacted upn receiving the news of their death, which led others to believe I didn't care at all, but in reality, while at this point everyone else has more or less moved on, I am still plagued with thoughts of these people and still feel a tremendous sense of loss when I think of them (which is nearly every day), even though some have been gone for 30 years.

^ gee, this is very similar to my processing of it. i feel it but either cannot express it or do so inappropriately.

This is very similar to how I felt when my daughter died. I had an immense amount of pain inside, but I had no way to release it. I joined an on-line support group for parents that had the babies with the same kind of birth defect, but I couldn't relate to any of the parents at all. The pain was so bad, I wondered if I could die from it, and to be truthful at the time I wanted to die. My husband seemed comforted by support from others, and talking about it while having a good cry seemed to bring relief for him. I didn't have the words to talk about it, and I didn't want to.

When my daughter died, it was made VERY obvious that I had a problem with dealing with death. The hospital signed me into some sort of support group for the parents of children who died in infancy, which helped my then-husband (despite the fact that he had 'issues' that ended up being far more detrimental to him than my own have been), but I was actually BORED listening to these people. The only thing I could think is, 'okay fine, so your kid died....does that bring mine back?' I've attempted other grief groups since, and I walked away from them all with the same mindset.

When trying to grieve, my mind becomes extremely selfish-centred....you could say, autistic. For whatever reason, support groups for illnesses and conditions I've had (specifically cancer and eating disorders) have been VERY helpful to me....reaching out and helping other people who've been through similar problems of that sort helps me tremendously....but with death, I just shut down. I realise intellectually that sharing a condition with others doesn't lessen things any more than sharing a common grief does, but apparently I can't process that from the neck up.

I felt nothing when my Nanna died last year, except guilt that I didn't feel anything.

I can relate to this as well. Although I do feel SOMETHING, the lack of reaction and the subsequent reaction of others around me makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, which makes me feel very guilty. Like in the situation I just described for instance, another reason the group thing didn't work, was because in addition to everything I mentioned in my last post, I was sitting there with all these hysterical crying people, perfectly calmly, looking like I didn't give a good god damn about what had happened. Additionally, I didn't really care about THEM and what they were going through, so it was a bit of a double-whammy.

I tend to rationalise everything, death as well, so I guess I had an easier time dealing with it than most people in my position would've had. of course there was some initial shock at the change and at the fact that people suddenly just cease to exist, and sadness at all the things left unsaid.

I also have had problems expressing it. I've been called a "robot" by members of my family for not showing emotion on my parents' funerals. but I was hardly unemotional.

also, I feel like each time someone important to me passes away it makes a sort of dividing line in my personal history. for example, I don't feel much connection to myself as a child when both my parents were alive, nor do I feel much connection to the self that I had before my had dad passed away. it feels a lot like being a totally different, new person. I think this has a lot to do with the shock of change and not being "seen" through someone elses perspective on a daily basis anymore.

In Nov 2004, I lost my eldest brother to esophageal cancer, he was 39. The year he suffered before passing away, I didn't talk to him. I didn't know what to say to him. I now regret this. We weren't real close, but of course I still wish he was here. I shed no tears surrounding his death, I recall just feeling more shocked that he was gone, that I'd never see him, or hear his voice again.

On January 31st, 2005, my dad, who was staying with us at the time, came home from work early, saying he wasn't feeling well. He sat down at my kitchen table to do a crossword puzzle and proceeded to have his 3rd, but fatal heart attack. I panicked. CPR failed. I felt destroyed. He was my biggest supporter, and the only person on earth that thought I was valuable. I felt like my world, my reason, had been kicked out from under me. I barely shed a tear at his funeral. I was angry, hurt, and bawling at home. ....then I had to get back to the hospital, where my mom had been with alcohol/liver problems since the beginning of January.

February 17, 2005, my mom succumbs to organ failure, due to years of alcohol abuse. The decision to pull life support was mine, and mine alone. My other brother was nowhere to be found, he was being eaten alive by his cocaine addiction. Since age 12, it was always like my mom was MY child. I was her caretaker. Probably even her enabler, but she enabled me too. She was VERY outgoing and would often speak for me in al the situations I had a hard time speaking for myself. The morning she passed away, I recall feeling relieved. Her years of fighting her own self were finally over. She could finally not be mad anymore. I didn't cry at her funeral, or at home. I felt sick for her boyfriend who loved her so dearly, and my heart went out to her co-dependent cockapoo.

October 2006, I get a phonecall. My brother (the other one who wasn't around, but who also was my best friend growing up) had purposely driven his car into a propane tanker on the highway. He died of a skull fracture. I was relieved his cocaine addiction was over, and incredibly resentful that the last piece of my childhood was gone. At his funeral, his girlfriend was sobbing and basically pouring herself over him, the coffin. I recall feeling that her display was SO extreme that it made me feel bad for not shedding a tear. I remember making what may have been interpreted as 'poor taste' jokes. I asked the director if since I bought two, would I get the third one free.

Death to me, is a very sad thing. Once it's here, it's here. There are no long drawn out sad goodbyes. No last kisses. There's no doubt that it feels sad not to hear the voice of someone you're fond of. The bottom line is, I didn't get emotional. People commented frequently on my 'strength' and I remember feeling like a fraud. I've always told people "What you see is not strength, it is simply a person who has no idea what else to do."

Did you find solutions that worked?

Reading what you say, I'm going to say something I don't say to strangers. I connect with you, I love you, and if you lived nearby I'd offer an immediate dinner and a beer, and a big hug.

I'm sorry, you have face some things I would probably go insane over.

I have lost many distant relatives that I didn't feel anything for. I was shocked when my grandfather died, but not sad, because he was kind of a distant person and I only saw him a few times a year.

I reacted really strongly to the death of my first cat, Clide whom I considered my childhood best friend. He followed me around the neighborhood and was my constant companion from the time I was nine until I was 15. I had nightmares about it for years afterwards. Than one day, I was having an especially hard day with anxiety, I heard his distinctive meow, and he came to mind. A feeling of peace came over me. I knew he was watching over me and I stopped having nightmares about it.

This January, I lost my grandmother to cancer. She lived with me since I was a baby and was like a second Mom to me. She got sick right after we moved into a new house and during the time she was sick she always wanted to see me on my new swing (she helped pay for it) in our yard. The night she passed away at home, I felt at peace with God that she was going to a good place. After she passed away, I went out to my swing, believing that she could finally watch me on it. I didn't cry that night, but I find that some nights I cry before bed and have a hard time falling asleep. I know she is in a good place and watching over me, but I miss my conversations with her. She would never correct me for going off topic. She'd just listen.

I have a few special people and animals who I couldn't imagine losing (my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, a few other relatives including my remaining grandmother, my dog, Eva and a few others who have positvely impacted my life). However, I make few friends outside of my close-knit circle.

BTW I am universalist. I do not practice formal religion but have strong faith in God and believe that eventually every living being will be returned to Him.

Yes, I was supposed to emphasize with my mum's feelings of sadness for losing her mum, but I couldn't at all. And I had so much trouble trying to find the right stuff to say and do in the situation. Don't get me wrong, I did like my Nanna, but I was never really close to her, so maybe that's why.

When my Granny (who I often think understood me even better than my parents, and who I loved dearly) passed away though the pain for me was unbearable. And I still couldn't react right. I started having a fit and hyperventilating between making crying/screaming noises and was told to shut up.

I never did attend any real life support groups, and I never have benefited from any that I've attended in my own life for other issues, so I doubt that would've helped me, either. At the risk of sounding like a sociopath, I'll elaborate on how I felt with the on-line support group that I had joined. I just couldn't share my grief with these other women. They were completely devoured by their loss, whereas I was extremely depressed, highly emotional (sometimes downright batty) during this period, but I didn't just come to a full stop on life. They did. They didn't get out of bed, they cried all day, and didn't take care of responsibilities, like their other children that were still alive. That pissed me off, to be quite honest. Instead of being at home, and appreciating their children that were still alive, they were spending a ton of time at their dead babies grave, and on-line whining with other grieving parents. I couldn't grasp this concept. I had three children that needed their mother, and there wasn't anything that I could do about the one who died. Maybe, it's my inflexible attitude about routines that wouldn't let me do anything different? I don't know. There were lots of times that I just felt like I was just going through the motions of living while I hid deep inside with all of my sadness, but I soldiered on. I also don't do too well around other people that are displaying negative emotions, like crying. I get really panicky inside, and I feel like I need to do or say something, but not quite sure as to what. So support groups for grieving parents weren't a good fit with me.

There's also a big difference between support groups for bereavement, and those for other things. For most other things one can attend on-line or in real life to gather ideas, and expereinces. When it comes to death there really isn't anything practical to share. There isn't much to advise about what we can do to help the situation. Death is final, and all that's left is feelings of the living. WP is a kind of support site. We gather here to talk about our experiences, and to learn, and grow. I'm good at giving advice to others in a practical way, ie; I don't see a point in talking about problems unless there's a solution to be found. I'm not good at talking about feelings, and emotions for the sake of just talking about it to get it out.

Not really. If I had known at the time that I probably have AS, then I think that I would've understood why I dealt with things differently, and would've probably tried to explore other ways of getting my feelings out, rather than just keeping them in. The only tools that I had at the time were NT tools, and they weren't of much use. And, as cliche as it sounds, time does help. The pain does lessen over time. It's hard to remember that when you're in the middle of such pain, but things will get better, and the pain will lessen with time.

millie: thank you for starting this thread! I think I really need it right now. It´s been really interesting to read the answers so far.

My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer several years ago. She´s been on chemotherapy, and was fine for awhile. I just found out that her condition seems to be regressing, though I don´t know how badly. What´s strange is that I have NO idea how I´m going to react when the time comes; I generally don´t know how I´m going to react in any given situation, until it happens. I may even surprise myself. But I´ve been having this vague fear that I´m going to react differently from what´s expected. The whole thing scares me. In the past, I notice my emotions often don´t come when they´re "supposed to".

I spoke to her on skype recently, with a webcam, and when I saw her I was shocked. She looks very different, due to medication she is taking. My first thought was "that is not my Mom". This is another thing I wondered, about autistic people dealing with sickness and death, is that it´s a big change, and change can be hard. I´m not sure I´m ready for these changes, if that makes any sense. It still seems a bit unreal- like it hasn´t really sunk in- maybe because I´m so far away (I live in a foreign country). Maybe if I were there, seeing my mother physically, these changes would sink in.

I also have a thing, that I´m quite squeamish about sickness. I don´t like to see other people sick or in pain. I think this is because I have a paranoia about it, with my own body. When I was a child, I had little body awareness, but after years of being a professional dancer, I now know my body so well that I feel every little minute thing. When I have health problems, I get nervous (I think I´m a bit of a hypochondriac)- and sometimes my anxiety makes me even sicker, I think! For this reason, I don´t like the idea of dealing with somebody else´s sickness. I hope it happens quickly. I think if I see too much sickness and debilitation, it gives me "ideas" of all the terrible things that could happen.

When I think about my Mom´s sickness, or write about it like now, I get a stomachache. So I wonder if that´s how I´ll deal with her death too, just a bad stomachache...well, we´ll see.

I´m also worried about when it happens, and if it´s a difficult time and if it´s hard for me to get out of my routine to fly back suddenly. I know that might sound stupid, but there it is...

My grandfather died several years ago. I didn´t cry when that happened. He had lived a full life, he was older, we were prepared for it, and it sounds like he didn´t suffer too much or too long, so that seemed fitting and natural to me.

Anyway- thanks for letting me write about my Mom. I needed someone to talk to about this, and this thread came just at the right time.