How I was able to cope with my Aspergers and find a wife.

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First impressions usually do not pan out, in my experience.

[quote="theredcore"I can tell them their exact personality, strengths, weaknesses, and a whole lot of other stuff, and Igget all that information after only a few minutes of talking to them. They always tell me I was right on everything or almost everything. Maybe it's hard to get my ideas on paper on a forum, but I can say that I've seen it work. I'm surethere aare many gestures and facial expressionsthat you do and ddon't even realize. I see all of those things and know how to decipher all of that information almost instantly after alot of practice.[/quote]
Women... men don't want some stranger to tell them what their "exact personality" is. They don't want some guy to tell them what their "strengths and weaknesses" are... or a "whole lot of other stuff" either... well maybe if they are 15.

When you "see it work," what does that mean?

I know because I ask people. I like gettingto know people qquickly, even being married I talk with girls all the time but only because emotions and how they talk and express them are fascinating to me. I tell them upfront how I act, they usually take interest and ask if I can read them. I say yes, and I tell them alot about themselves. They are usually extremely surprised, then are very interested in talking with me for the rest of the night (I'm married so I obviously don't push the conversations past just talk).

To mimic and act like other people I had to observe them, Igot ggood at it, I wanted to get better. That's why I went into subtle expressions to logically look for and psychology to connect the dots. It is just another thing that took a lot of practice, and it helps me monitor myself and my actions so I can fit in better, know how to respond to people better. I've found that being liked can get you places in life, and I want to be very successful.

As far as people saying it's a scam. The one bad thing I can say about that side is it is filled with spam advertising to get you to sign up, but to me it is not a scam at all. To someone else who probably wasn't looking for psychological reasoning I can understand why he felt he was ripped off. Just as what I'm saying, they are very different ideas that alot of people don't accept, you would also need an open mind

I wouldn't go taking some self-help course. That's packaged for the general population, people who want to learn things that'll give them health, wealth and happiness in one easy to use formula (tm)! Pop psychology seriously bugs me. There's often little or no science to back it up.

No... if you want to learn about people, go and learn psychology. Start with a general psychology textbook; branch out into social psychology, developmental psychology, interpersonal relationships, cultural anthropology... if you want to know about the way the brain works, try behavioral neuroscience; if you want to learn how we adapt to our environments, study evolutionary psychology. Study how we learn and communicate. Go to the library; once you've exhausted your local library (you will, trust me), find a college and use theirs. Once you're at that stage, you can start keeping up with new research, and you'll need the college library because they'll have a subscription to the most important journals, which you couldn't ever pay for yourself, unless you're much richer than average.

That's what I did. It works. I'm awkward, I'm obviously disabled--but I can communicate. And, most importantly, I can keep away from hurting or annoying other people. I have real friends. I suppose I could date, if I wanted, but asexuals are so rare and I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship.

I didn't study psychology just to get better at communication, naturally. I study it because I'm interested in how the brain works, how we think and learn and develop. The communication ability was a fortunate side-effect.

Wow, that sounds like it would be really condescending and annoying, actually.

Wouldn't be too hard, actually... If you were to tell them things that are true about pretty much everyone, but seem specific, you might get them to identify with your statements. For example, let's say I make these observations about you:

Most people who read that will identify with it. At first glance it seems specific and insightful, but it is actually quite universal.

(The paragraph is taken from an article on the Forer effect.)

It's the same technique "psychics" use in their acts--they start off with things that are pretty general, that people will identify with; they play the odds, drop anything that their subject doesn't grab hold of, and seem to be mind-readers.

Of course, another part of the reason why it works, is that the subject doesn't want to embarrass the psychic doing the act, much like those women probably didn't want to embarrass you. People like to be nice to each other, and saying "You're wrong!" is generally reserved for those times when being right really matters. (And for Internet debates, of course.)

You have a great need for other people to like and admire you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. Security is one of your major goals in life.

Your onto something, but it's something entirely different. I can use cold reading all the time (pretending to know more about someone then you actually do) but I haven't done that yet on these forums.

Like a line to a stripper when pretending to know more about her could be "you seem like the kind of person who doesn't like to follow the rules" because we'll she's a stripper not a librarian so more then likely would agree to that. All cold reading is is an general statement made to look personal. Me knowing if someone was abused as a kid and what type of abuse it was and other personal information is NOT over generalized. But I'm not here to talk about that.

So in sum up. Cold reading CAN be useful if you want to get a girls interest faster, though it's nothing I go for (only sometimes) [/quote]

Last edited by theredcore on 14 Jun 2014, 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hey, my first husband smoked and blamed others, and my current husband doesn't smoke and blames himself. It works!

Just kidding.

I wouldn't try any tricks like that--whether cold reading or anything else--when trying to get to know someone. It is deceptive, in a way; it's also not particularly smart, because it gives the impression that one knows more than one actually does. Moreover, it prevents one from learning the information as the other person chooses to reveal it.

I think the best way to know what another person is like, is to ask them.

Learning body language and such, in order to read what neurotypicals would normally gather from others' body language, makes sense. But I do not like the idea of trying to get information that people are not willfully revealing to me. It would be an invasion of privacy.

Im a black and white thinker, and saw that no one ever set any social boundaries as far as actually observing while expressing normal behavior in a public setting(its not the same as spying, I don't follow or stalk people, I just see everything that happens to everyone), so that was enough to call it ok for me. "people watching" is even a thing that other people do

anyways you see me as observing others to manipulate as wrong, I see it as, if I have to act every time im in a social setting anyways, Id rather act in a way that lets me talk to people comfortably (people would never guess that I have Aspergers) If I can get along with people and we both have an enjoyable conversation/day, I call that a win-win.

Another way of looking at it is an NT can naturally express their emotions thoughts and feelings to other people, I never had those talents, my talent was perception thanks to aspergers, so I am just using my natural talents to communicate rather then rely on ways that I know I cant do. I don't mean to manipulate, only just to communicate the best that I can.


Oh also, people (from my experience) have never been creeped out by how I work. People usually find it very interesting, I go in depth if they ask, and even then they aren't creeped out. One girl she was 23, and she asked me to name the most personal thing about her that she would never tell anyone, because she was interested in how I thought and what I saw I had just met her that night. I told her that she was abused as a child and went further indepth, she asked me how I saw those things and I told her the multiple traits that she showed (nothing I learned from a website, only from observing), one of those that I told her was about self esteem how she could be very critical of herself, and hate herself and other negative impacts. I then let he talk for about 45 minutes telling me her life venting her thoughts and feelings, telling me that I gave her a new way to look at things (she described it as a moment of clarity). So overall this girl came into that bar sad, feeling alone hating herself but not knowing why, when he left I saw a smile on her face and to me I felt like I gave her hope again. I know its a long example, but I've just only seen good come from reading people better, I've never had negative effects at least to my memory.

that bolded bit--i think perhaps you might be unaware how often when these girls tell you how "accurate" your guesses are, that they are humouring you to avoid seeming rude or hurting your feelings--or just to get out of the conversation; because if a stranger came up to me and starting saying such things, i would be looking for a way out too. cold reading is used by "psychics" and con-men for a reason--it's sleazy and is a designed to make manipulating people's emotions easier.

also, that fact that you suggested a stripper as someone to try such tactics on says a lot about your angle.

So... why only girls? If this is a good way to get to know someone, why not use it on guys to start friendships?

Yes, back in the day (the 80's, when I was young enough to be approached often by men) this "cold read" technique was used on me several times. It has been around for a very long time. I would always tell the guy he was "right" and give him a few vague niceties and get away politely. Men like that were never men I would want to get to know better. They were always on the make and always fishing around for gullible women. But I didn't want to appear confrontational by disagreeing either because that might make me memorable (as they put in extra effort to convince me) and getting off their radar as fast as possible was my priority.

I have nodded and "agreed" with countless dubious men in the 20 or so years that constituted my prime just to get off their radar and get away without making an impression. They probably went on their way thinking they had awesome talents of "reading" women. I wasn't the only one doing it. Starvingartist isn't an outlier and neither are the other women doing what is essentially "yes, dear" to a stranger. Women have probably been "agreeing" with men for millenia. It's a protective mechanism and it works.

exactly--these are the same guys that, after the couple of vague niceties are offered, you have to tell "Well, i'm off home to my boyfriend/husband (or gf/wife) now" as an exit to the conversation so they can't press--because if you don't say that (or something like it), they do tend to press.

It's very cute how you both seem to view me. I can see the bias in your opinions though, like you are only holding on to the idea that's I'm oblivious is because you don't like the idea of not being as unique as you thought and that nearly everything about you came from somewhere, you would hate the idea of someone knowing everything about you and being transparent. I do 't pry, I only observe what they give me and I don't ask for more as I understand that is socially unacceptable.

Why I know people don't think I'm a fake is because of the responses I get. A few weeks ago this girl about my age walked in the bar, I decided to talk with her later that night, after about 10 minutes of talking I remember she said that I was very observant, I replied saying that I'd like to think that I thought differently then most people do. She asked me more about it so I told her, she showed genuine interest and wanted to even "test" what I was saying. She asked me to say the most personal thing abouther that she would never tell aanyone about. I told her I didn't want to offend her, she said it was OK so iI told her it would be the abuse that she went through as a kid. She was surprised and I asked if I should keep going and she said yes. I went into how I saw everything in all parts of her character, and I showed her why she was struggling in different parts of life. She then spilled her heart out to me for about an hour just talking about her entire life her feelings and emotions. After the conversation she said that she had felt a new clarity, she said it was a miraclethat she had met me and that she had felt hope again.


What I have found from reading people and being honest, is that they are generally relived that they found someone they could talk to that understood them. I'm telling you now that it's a talent I'm very confident in. And only a small percentage of what I learned was from that website, alot of it was just by observing

Theredcore. Assuming you are telling the truth, you should sue the therapist who diagnosed you with ASD, the more you talk the more obvious it becomes that you are very manipulative, and not autistic at all. You came here hoping to fool us into buying this product you are talking about, I don't believe you anymore.

You could tell half the people on earth (probably more than half actually) that they have been abused as a child and you would be correct (this is like what Callista described, something that is actually pretty general). Assuming that you are telling the truth about this girl at the bar, well I'm sorry that she was naive and has let you fool her into believing that you actually "understood" her, and then told you private things that were none of your business.

The way that you are putting people, especially women it seems, in boxes, is indeed very insulting. You base your opinions on stereotypes, which are just that: stupid stereotypes, while in fact people, men and women, are much more complicated than their appearance or observable actions. A person can have tattoos, smoke, and drink, and be a very good person, and another one who also has tattoos, smoke, and drink, can be a very bad person. A person who wears the best clothes possible, doesn't smoke, and doesn't drink can also be either a good person or a bad one. Same goes for a religious person or atheist (and everything else that you mentioned), it doesn't tell you anything at all about a person's deep thoughts nor true personality.

And WE (men and women) are indeed all unique.

You also should spend less time at the bar talking to girls, and more at home with your wife.