SocOfAutism wrote:
DevilKisses wrote:
SocOfAutism wrote:
Thank you for bringing this up, DevilKisses. I'm very interested in this. I think it's really important.
"Autistic" seems to have become a type of person. I would like to study if and how neurotypicals can identify autistic people.
I have unfortunately become aware over the years that people assume that I use drugs or have used drugs. I have been vocally anti all illegal drugs my entire life. But I'm heavily tattooed and I listen to heavy metal. My hair and face are pretty conservative now but when I had facial piercings and a creative haircut or funny colored hair people would start conversations with me about things that I was very much against.
So it doesn't really matter if you ARE autistic these days, because of autism awareness. If you are unconsciously BEHAVING autistic, other people may be identifying you as an autistic person. This means you would be subject to being discriminated against or given special help that perhaps you don't need or want.
The problem I have with people identifying people as autistic is that they never seem to use core traits with them. They flag anxiety, seeming smart, and ADHD traits as autistic. I think you should study how NTs change their behavior around autistic people.
That's a great idea. It would be interesting to see how NT behavior changes around auties and aspies before and after they know that they're on the autism spectrum. I'd also be interested to know if the way they speak about the person changes when the person is not present.
Thanks for the idea!
A diagnosis as an adult changed everything with regards to my husband.
My husband was diagnosed at 50.
The diagnosis changed every single relationship, including ours.
He got diagnosed, everyone took a polite 5 step back, and then were almost too careful in how they interacted with him.
Sensory issues to touch...almost all spontaneous horsing around stopped. I stopped just running up and hugging my husband. I am a very physical person. My daughter stopped. His friends stopped. His parents wouldn't hug him, because in his report it stated people touching him repulsed him. Being good NTs, why do something that makes the person hurt/unhappy?
We stopped getting invited to large party venues. Places with lots of cooking smells.
Holiday parties, because it was so obvious he would white knuckle through it, people wanted to spare him of the hassle.
Whatever was left of his EF went to hell, because we didn't pressure him. When someone has problems handling things, you usually don't ride his ass. I left him handle things in his own time frame with no input. WORSE.MISTAKE.EVER.
It has taken 5 years to get our relationship back to where it was pre diagnosis. My husband was not raised as an ASD kid. When everyone got the spectrum memo, I guess we all treated him like you would a ASD child. Minimize all the offending issues and actions. Don't force yourself on the person. Give them space. Sort of the let them go to their own drum beat.
Which sounds really good in theory, except my husband felt utterly abandoned. Everyone and everything he was used to changed. The more he got upset, the more we pulled away. He couldn't tell us "what" upset him, so we all became even more careful and polite.
I would have been better off not catering to him, and keeping the status quo, than the over the top, caring, understanding, oh you are on the spectrum so we have no expectations for you.
The main issue was my husband had no clue how much touch was okay. Handshake? Kiss? With NTs most of that is told with body language. Christmas? Holidays? He really did want to go to those things, but he looked so miserable.
Work was horrible because everyone tip toed around him. Especially after his meltdown
Looking back, I think the problem is we approach the situation as a parent would with an ASD child. You make a ton of accommodations. You really try to be inclusive and deliberately don't do things that are stressful for the child.
My husband was brought up as a NT, where no one spared him. He told me first months were nice, but his anxiety shot through the roof when he realized how everyone was "catering" to him.
Our specific issue won't be around for long, because people are diagnosed so much younger. No one will have to go through that NT/ASD negotiation phase anymore.
I wonder how do young adults deal with with people being overtly "nice"?
I'm grateful my husband was diagnosed, but the diagnosis scorched Earthed all his relationship that had to redone from scratch.
23 Feb 2016, 11:40 am
