Anyone else like this? How do you cope with it?

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I feel like I can't be the only one. And if you're not like this, please don't confirm to me that I am an asshat, I realize that. I do not intend to be one, it just happens. In fact, the realization that I am like this was one of the things that initially led to me being assessed for AS.

Anyway, last night it happened again and is the whole basis for this post, because it concerns me that one of these days my wife might get upset enough over it to leave me. One night she got so upset she actually packed her bags and left but came back. We talk about it sometimes, but it's nothing I can really control. I try, but I cannot control my emotions.

Okay let me get to the point and explain what I'm rambling on about. Using last night as an example, my wife went to the store after work and stopped by Arby's on the way home for dinner. She came in and I really wasn't excited to have Arby's, I assumed she would know that since I wanted Chinese for lunch yesterday and didn't get it that I would want that for dinner. But she didn't know that and I suppose it's not fair of me to expect her to know what I want without me asking. But anyway, she said "yeah I bought you that new sandwich you had over the weekend". Well, over the weekend I forgot to tell her that I hated that sandwich and wasn't able to finish it. It was horrible. So I lost my cool and flew off the handle, got really upset and started to melt down. Fortunately it didn't take hold and I began to settle down this time. But I then realized that she also didn't get my potato cakes that I specifically asked for. Instead she got me potato bites which I have told her clearly in the past make me want to vomit. So I got upset again and couldn't do anything. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't settle down. I was yelling and cursing, I had gone into full freak-out mode.

It actually all started when I came in after sitting in traffic and I tried to open the dog food bag and couldn't do it. I was already upset from everything going on and I didn't even realize it was an easy-open, resealable dog food bag. I got so mad and gained some kind of strength I usually don't have, and ripped that bag to shreds, threw the pieces across the room, threw the dog bowls around, was cursing and scaring my dogs. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't control myself.

Anyway, back to the deal with the food. I thought they had messed up my order at the restaurant so I lost it and started saying mean things about the people at Arby's, even though they really didn't mess anything up. My wife went back to Arby's (it's only 3 blocks from our house) and got me a good sandwich and the potato cakes I asked for, while I sat at the house and tried to recover from my freak-out session. But when she got home she said to me, "did you know they only put 2 potato cakes in here? I guess I should have gotten a larger order." This really set me off because I clearly told her before she walked out of the house to get me a large roast beef sandwich and a large order of potato cakes because they don't put enough in the small order. I just could not settle down for anything.

Finally, after sitting on the couch for quite a while and getting into my meal, I was able to calm down, but during the freak-out I really hurt her feelings and now I am upset about that. At the time I wasn't concerned about her feelings, in fact it was like she didn't have any. I suppose that's the lack of empathy thing. But it just shows that while I felt no empathy at that moment, once I've had time to reflect on the situation, I do have empathy. It's really bad with women almost more than anyone, because I can't stand to see a woman cry. I also can't stand to see an animal in pain or distress either, and I am the same with them as I am with women and children.

Anyway I'm sorry to get carried away and ramble on. I get carried away sometimes because I am waaaay overly descriptive. I just wondered if anyone else was like this and how you have been able to manage it? When you lose your cool over simple things and freak out, how do you cope? I don't, I go into a full-on rage-filled meltdown and all reasoning goes out the window.

One fault in the System and my whole day can crumble.
Not unusual.

The solution summed up?
C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Would the issue arise if you talked about the dinner?
And write lists when shopping, lists rock.

As for the outbursts?
My girlfriend just tells me to shut the hump up and go out and smoke until I'm better.

Just getting away from the situation solves the outburst and you two should talk about the situation and how to solve it,
because it can be solved, but through understanding.

You hit a nerve with me. My father, who I believe was an Aspie would have these sorts of meltdowns and let me tell you, they do a lot of damage. I'm an undiagnosed Aspie and I'm more likely to have shutdowns instead maybe as a result of my childhood spent walking on eggshells. It made me anxious and hyper vigilant. I can tell if someone is in a bad mood in an instant just from posture alone. I loved my father but as a child I was afraid of him, which sucks, that shouldn't happen. I know he felt extreme remorse after these episodes and he was actually a really kind, wonderful person but when the monster came out I was never sure he wasn't going to hit me. Having your father look at you with disgust on his face is really rough on a little girl. I was afraid of men for a long long time. I meant it when I said he was a wonderful person and now that I think I know what was going on I only feel pity that he didn't have help. I think it is all about stress management. I think maybe you've got too much to handle in your life (you function but at a cost). I also think psychologically you have control issues. You have to take care of yourself before you meltdown. I know once it's on you can't control it. To the casual observer what you put your wife through would be considered emotional abuse. I don't mean to point a judging finger, there have been times when I've been a real witch to my son and his friends but now I set my boundaries. I make sure we have time to veg and regroup before his friends come over. I am trying to help my son who has problems with a short fuse. There is a book called Asperger's and Difficult Moments which is designed to show how to overcome this. It's written about kids but it's all about identifying triggers and figuring out how to manage your stress level before it's too late. I wish you well. I'm sure you're not an asshat but I feel strongly it's important you work hard on this. Take care

Lists on the fridge door are good.

One list of foods you tried and didn't like, mark red cross beside them.

Foods you like, nice big blue tick beside them.

Yeah, I have always had a "bad temper" and I overreact stupidly to things, like you did, though different things. (Like something not being put back where it belongs.) You need to cultivate self awareness, envision a different outcome and then practise behaving differently when you start to get triggered. Simple -- but it takes tiiiiiime. Keep at it.

Communication about food and likes and dislikes helps too. Have you been married long? For me it's been less than two years, but overreactions happen a lot less and are smaller, and we're well along the learning curve.

We've been married for 6 years now. Honestly until about a year ago I would shut down rather than melt down, except in rare circumstances. It was because I would try so hard to hold in my anger and other emotions that I would just shut down and do it all internally. I don't know why I changed to having meltdowns, to be honest. As far as communication, that is one area where I lack big-time. If something is bothering me I have learned to keep it in because if I tell anyone what I'm thinking I know I will either anger them or scare them. We are really good in that we seem to share a brain at times. Other times it's like we're alien to one another. I know I'm an alien to her in my temper and all. But for instance last week I was thinking we should have buffalo wings for dinner one night. I never said anything to her about it but I considered going to WingStop on my way home and getting wings and fries. Keep in mind we hadn't eaten wings in at least 1-2 years and rarely ever talked about it. But that same day that I was considering it, she actually did it without knowing. In fact, she not only brought home wings, but she got them from WingStop and got their fries. It was kind of scary, because it was as if she read my mind.

I was such a crazy witch the first couple of years we were together, I still don't know why my husband stuck around long enough for us to get married. But he did, thank god. He says he's really happy with how well we've grown together, how little we argue. That's been a process of (a) me getting to feel safe enough with him that I know he isn't going to leave me, and (b) me working really hard to be reasonable when we disagree about things. I'm actually quite proud of how much better I've gotten in that department. It's been hard work.

The keys for us, I think, are first, that he never blew up at me. Ever. So eventually I was able to really, really want to stop blowing up at him, to be more like him. Second, he *does* tell me what's important to him, and what he really wishes I would not do when I get upset. Third, I always apologized profusely after a blowup, and explained what was going on with me, and that I wanted to change that.

An example: I can get really bent out of shape by not getting precisely what's on the grocery list. My husband made it gently but very clear to me that I had to stop doing that or he was going to stop getting groceries. I worked very hard to stifle that response. It's still in there, but I try not to let it reach my lips. I'd set a timer for about when I thought he'd be coming home, and say to myself, "Whatever he got, it's fine. Remember, you didn't have to go. Pineapple in syrup instead of juice is fine. Whole milk instead of half is fine." (The irony is that he wasn't just spacey and not doing a good job on my list--they were out of what I wanted, and he had to decide, is it better to get no pineapple, or not the pineapple she wants?) It still happens sometimes, but I catch myself pretty quickly, and say, "oops!", and we can laugh about it together.

A lot of our success has to do with him being such a wonderful, supportive person who saw through my blowups to the me he loved, AND me letting him know over and over again that I knew I was at fault, I was really, really sorry, and I was working hard to change. I still don't get it right all the time, but he's seen enough progress over the past 13 years that he knows I really am trying.

Aimless, thanks for this. It's helpful for me, too. I am really wrestling with motherhood and family life right now, because I know I can't handle it (I'm barely functioning, and at very high cost) but I feel so broken and stupid for wanting help to take care of my kids when I don't even work. I need to keep reminding myself that getting help is not so I can go lie in the sun and not be bothered with my family; it's so my family gets the best of me, the loving me who has time for them, a ready ear and a smile on her face instead of a screaming, door-slamming, sobbing, suicidal terror. Because you're right, much as I hate it: there's nothing I can do to banish that witch but make sure I'm not at my wits' end, and my wits' end is about a million times closer to my wits' beginning than it is for the average Joe.

sbcmetroguy, I did not find the OP too detailed. To the contrary. I found your honsety refreshing,a nd it is through an illustration of the details that we can often help each other here on WP.It gave me valuable insight into another domestic situation where and ASD is present in someone. We cling to routine, rigidity, and sameness. We also struggle to understand that others do not understand what we think and say (ToM) and your outline of the evening's situation around the dinner, getting home, the kind of take-away - is all familiar territory to me. Absolutely familiar. Uncannily so.

IT could have been me.

I am learning some anxiety management strategies from an ASD specialist. It is really helping.

1. diaphragmatic breathing - deep breathing from diaphragm. do it in car before you even WALK in the door in the evening.
2. exercise -- a short walk around the block - even when dog tired (excuse pun) can prevent us from freaking out and spilling our frustrations out into the world.
3. ipod with music. when you come home, maybe you can have some minutes of favourite music do you do not walk into the house with all that traffic still rolling around in your body and brain.
4. Lie down - BEFORE ANYTHING. when you come home, work out a routine. a quick hello to others and then a lie down in a quiet room for some time and THEN come out and day hello to your wife.

I cannot tell you the difference a few simple strategies like this, are making in my life and the lives of those i live with (son and ex...yes...ex...but the way it is going, maybe there is hope.)

Good luck on your journey.

IF you cannot get to see an ASD specialist, go and get a few sessions with someone for anxiety management - or just look it up on the net. Most of it is just CBT, but we tend to have higher levels of anxiety and stress and therefore need to learn and accept we are HIGH MAINTENANCE people who need to do this stuff to have peace in our lives.

I really wish you well. I related to your post and I know how absolutely shattered I get after a meltdown... a lot of confusion and a lot of upset because I hurt others around me and that feels awful.

millie,

thank you for your post, and specifically these simple, yet profound means of dealing. These are things I really need to do.

I also relate to the original post. I've been there, for sure. I don't have much to add, being that I'm in a similar position myself, and also trying to cope with it. But I offer utmost sympathy to those of us here who are dealing with difficult living situations.

At least we all understand each other.

Yup yup...I have those....

My mother, who I suspect also has AS and is the source of my AS, is like this as well. I remember as a child I would get so upset with her because she would beat my father down over what he did/didn't get from her grocery list. She swore he never could get it right and it stressed her out every time he went to the store.

For the record, when we were dating I was a much happier person. I was pretty carefree back then, not too many worries. I was new to dating, new to drinking, new to sex, all that stuff that people around me had been doing for years I was new to. I was healthy, I was addicted to running and eating right. Life seemed great. I did have a temper, though, and she always saw that when something was REALLY bothering me. I was also very weird to her but she liked that about me. For example, I wouldn't kiss in public because I thought it was illegal to make out in public. lol And I was 21 years old at this time ....

The other thing to do, that has helped in our family is that i have been able to set upon some "needs" and communicate them.

1. I cannot multi-task. so when i am doing something, please know i cannot just stop easily and commnicate and swithch. Please understand I need a little time to switch between tasks such as doing something and talking. Please understand this.

2. Please know I need to have quiet time and down time a bit more than most people. I will try to be a part of things when and where i can, but if i say i need to retreat to my room, it is not because i do not care, it is because I need time out to prevent a meltdown later. This is the key - prevention.

3. Please understand i get more tired than is usual. That means I may have to leave a situation or place early> if I do this, I stay in a better mood. It may not be ideal, but it is better than us all living with me in hyper-pressure state trying to function, then screaming.

4. Please know my ways of doing things may seem illogical to you. Please do not criticise them or try to change them> I have an ASD and i have specific ways of doing things - small, rigid routines and patterns that make sense to me, soothe me and calm me, and may seem eccentric and strange to others. They are an important part of me and how i live and operate in the world. Please know my way of doing things is best for me. cut me some slack here, and i will try to cut you some slack in the same way by not demanding you follow "my way."

5. Please understand people do not offer me the same joy and fun they may offer you. My best friend is my special interest. It nourishes me as people nourish you. Do not resent it. It is a friend to our home as it keeps me happy. I will also try to engage where and when I can and be "a part of" things. We can work together to make the home a place of richness and learning in terms of my special interest and a place of happiness. I will also try to monitor how much time i spend with it and I wll try to do my fair share of things around the place also. I also want to support you in your interests, and respect what you life. I will try to do so.

6. Please give me clear instructions and clear verbal messages. i cannot take in too much all at once. I am open to you reminding me of what I need to do...as I get lost in my own world for the most part.

7. Please understand my retreat from people is not because i hate you. It is because i cannot cope with as much human intensity as others. My retreat is because of my autism, not because i loathe others.




i hope these help others. they are helping in our house.

Millie, you mentioned the AS specialist. The good thing is, I actually have an appointment with mine next week and so the timing of this occurrence was just perfect. I went to Rite-Aid at lunch today and bought a journal. I wrote an entry about last night's incident and will note important things that happen to me every day leading up to my appointment, such as my ADHD problems which also affect my daily life (really badly today, I can't stop and focus for anything!)

cool. i relate. i also have adhd symptoms and it is hard.

You don't have stuff in the kitchen that you can eat?
I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, but.. I mean, you don't keep any foods you like at home, or what?
If this happens often.. like, if your wife often doesn't get the foods you're expecting, then it seems like you should have some backup available.