Sister with AS; advice please.

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First of all, I am new to this sight and want to apologize in advance if anything I say is taken as offensive or is viewed as an unfair characterization of people with AS. I really don’t mean to offend, so please point out any such mistakes that I may make. Here’s my story.

My sister is 44 years old (I am 41) and has virtually all of the symptoms of Aspergers. The more I read about the condition, the more clear it becomes to me that she has AS.

My father also has similar symptoms, but to a much lesser degree. It has also been less dysfunctional for him. Unlike my sister, he has been able to maintain romantic relationships -- two marriages -- and long-term employment. My sister is very defensive and insecure about her perceived eccentricities while my father thankfully embraces his differences.

I always thought that my Dad was just a clumsy and eccentric, but I know recognize his quirks as symptoms of AS. He has never really had friends and was always awkward in social situation and unable to read people’s social clues. He was able to maintain work as a college professor (a seemingly idea position for him; he can lecture on his subject of expertise without having to deal with co-workers and interpersonal relationships – his weaknesses). I honestly can't see him able to do many other jobs given his social awkwardness -- which is often perceived as rudeness.

My sister's case is more extreme. She has almost never had any friends, boyfriends, or long-term employment. She always struggled in school and didn't gradate from high-school after attempts at many different schools for learning disabled children (my Dad, on the other hand, has a Phd). Her only real relationships are with family (who appreciate her many great qualities and will tolerate her often rude and erratic behavior). She is a sweet and very intelligent woman but often just won't bother to meet our 82 year-old mother for a planned lunch or show up for other appointments to which she has agreed. She has little concept of time and if you agree meet her somewhere at a certain time, she typically won’t show up until she is ready. She also tends to live for the moment and has little concept of cause and effect (e.g. she used to constantly run out of gas while driving down the road).

She has very poor motor skills (as does my father) and puts everyone and everything into stereotypical boxes. When she meets someone she likes or finds interesting, she can be overbearing and will "talk their ear off" -- completely unaware if they demonstrate disinterested or annoyed reactions. She has trouble with eye contact and small talk on subject that are not of interest to her. She is also prone to temper tantrums if things don’t go her way or if she is annoyed.

My sister has seen psychologists and specialists throughout her life, but this occurred earlier in her life -- before AS was widely diagnosed. Unfortunately, this means that I haven't recognized her problem until recently and she has never been formally diagnosed. She is very defensive and insecure and I believe that she could be furious if she was ever diagnosed. She doesn't take criticism very well and, while I recognize that being diagnosed with AS is not a criticism or anything bad, she would probably mistakenly take it that way. Despite her very high intelligence (she know a lot about everything and has a remarkable memory), she can be VERY illogical.

My question is, should I try and get her diagnosed? Is there any benefit to that? For example, she was just called for jury duty and, given her particular traits and the severity of her condition, I don’t think this will be a very good experience for her nor do I think she is necessarily a good person for this type of task (I think that she can sometimes make rash and unfair judgements). Can you even get out of jury duty because of AS?

If I do try and get her diagnosed, what is the best way to breach to subject and proceed?
Thanks so much in advance for your help.

If I were her I'd be avoiding you too.

I think you should show her information on autism/Asperger's and tell her you think she has it. Then let her decide if she thinks she has it, and whether or not she wants to get diagnosed. It should be her choice.

For trying to help her sister? Wow, you're a bit harsh.

Disclaimer: I've never met in person a female with AS, am much younger than you or your sister, etc, so my advice may be way off.

Your sister probably realises she's different, but may not be aware of AS. If she's very defensive, esp. about being different, directly telling her she probably has it may not go down well, likewise directly giving her leaflets, etc. Having said that, maybe indirectly giving her info might get her to think about it. Something along the lines of talking about it without making it about her - for example, if you personally know any diagnosed aspies that could be a way to talk about symptoms, etc without making it about her - so that she will have the info but hopefully not get defensive or feel criticised. Likewise you could discuss a relevant film/book; for example the film 'Snow Cake' contains a sympathetic portrayal of autism - full-blown HFA and not AS, but still somewhat relevant. The point is not so much to give her hints you think she has AS but to provide her with information. Ultimately it's her decision whether to seek a diagnosis or not, but knowing more about her condition, assuming she is indeed aspie, can't hurt - it sounds like being told she's different upsets her, perhaps knowing that she's not alone may help her take a more balanced view - knowing that it's a neurological difference rather than her being mad/bad/etc may help self-acceptance. Anyway, best of luck to both of you and kudos for trying to help your sister.

Thanks for the helpful comments and apologies to those that I apparently offended. That certainly wasn't my intention.

I would not bother to apologise if I was you. That poster was out of line.

Pbcoll's post is very good, what I would do in your position.

On the subject of jury duty. Lawyers are very good at reading people I believe. If they do not feel your sister is appropriate for jury duty she will not be put on a case. Jurors are questioned about their beliefs and lawyers can ask that ones they have problems with are not put on a case.

Maybe she will be lucky and be sent home. My bf got jury duty and he wasn't fond of it and I told him maybe he will be lucky and be sent home. Well he came there and waited and they said they didn't need him so they sent him and the others home.

You can't 'get her diagnosed'. She can go and be diagnosed, if she wishes.

If she's recognised as learning disabled, will it make that much difference to her?

Thanks Kajjie. Bad wording on my point. I meant should I try and encourage her to seek a diagnosis.

about your sister being defensive about being different... i agree with pbcoll in that she might be thinking being "different" is the same as being "bad." personally, i was rather self-conscious about being "different" until i started researching and discovered i had AS. having a name for why you're "different" and realizing that there's this whole community of people like you, who have the same sort of problems you do... well, suddenly, you're not so "different" after all.. you were just comparing yourself to the wrong group. suddenly, this "different" thing.. is like being in a secret society or something..