First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 1:25 pm

Janissy wrote:

marshall wrote:

I have some questions for an NT to answer.

In social situations such as parties do you ever get a feeling of connectedness or emotional reward while talking to someone even if the topic doesn't interest you very much? Does it ever feel good to talk to someone just because you like them regardless of the topic?

Can you estimate what percentage of the time you actually enjoy the topics as well as the people and what percentage of the time feel like you have to "fake" interest in a topic just to be friendly?

When the topic being discussed isn't particularly interesting to you (I'm not saying you're necessarily bored out of your mind, just a fairly neutral level of interest) do you ever feel like your mind slows down? Is it more difficult to quickly come up with socially appropriate things to say in this situation? Is this strictly an AS trait or do NT's experience this as well, only to a lesser degree?

Are you ever both bored and feeling down during social occasions? When you're feeling down is it more difficult to take interest in someone else's topic of conversation? If you're forced to "fake it" what kind of strategy do you use to gather the energy to participate?

If I'm in a positive upbeat mood, the mere feeling of connectedness can get me interested in the topic. My feeling of connectedness precedes my interest. I've found out about all sorts of things I never knew could interest me from bass fishing to house flipping. The connectedness leads to interest in the topic.

But sometimes I have to fake it too. Sometimes I have a problem of my own that has me feeling so down that I just can't connect. I'm worried and distracted and can't get "into" a team's latest win (or whatever it is). The strategy I use to muster the energy to fake it is to concentrate on the person, not what they are saying. Sometimes I'm so distracted with worry or upset that I just CAN'T come up with the socially appropriate thing to say. Then I apologize and explain that I'm just distracted right now. It was a tough day at work or at home or whatever.

That is completely me! I often apologize and say I can't multitask (I can't), so I can't follow the conversation.
what's interesting is that I can connect with someone rather quickly but I have problems getting to the next level. I feel like I have many friends but few close friends. The closer I get to someone, the harder it is for me. I know a lot of NT's like this.

natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 1:26 pm

MONKEY wrote:

Oooh this looks fun.
A question to NTs:
do you notice even the mildest of aspies, do they seem not right to you even if they're really subtle???

Not at all. Actually I take that back. I am a school psych so I can notice even preschoolers who have subtle signs. I guess I can notice some adults as well but it's usually the engineers. It's sometimes difficult to distinguish them apart from real AS at first

natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 1:31 pm

To "AS"

If you are in an AS/NT relationship, what is most difficult for you and your Significant other? If you have one thing you want your partner to understand or just let go, what would it be?

natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 1:34 pm

Gerhardt wrote:

This is a question for NT's, generally young women NT's but anyone can answer:

What would the best way for an Aspie to tell you that he has Aspergers? A lot of times I meet NT women that are nice and all but they misinterpret my cold gaze and lack of social congruency as stand offish and insecure, and thus refuse to date me. I feel if they know I have aspergers they'll be more prone to understanding how I work and seeing my true colors. I've told some women that I have Aspergers directly but it ends up making things even more awkward.

Just come out and say it.

It honestly depends on the person, though. I understand AS a little more than most people even though earlier on it was through reading and text books. My undergrad was in communication disorders, so I was studying that when I met my husband. Aspergers was one of the first things I suspected. I think I knew before he knew. I wish he had known. He would have had a better understanding of himself. I did misinterpret his lack of social congruence as stand offish and not caring. I must admit that I still do even now. I try and try to understand but my NT social side gets the best of me. I often go on here to keep myself in check by reading your difficulties in the NT world. You all help me so much. I couldn't be more thankful. NT woman who don't strive to understand are not for you. You don't want that relationshiop anyways. A lot of NT's are too needy. I was in a relationship with an NT and he was so needy, he worshiped me. It drove me crazy. So, I broke up with him and started talking to my now husband because he was the extreme opposite.

Last edited by natesmom on 07 Jul 2009, 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Greentea
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07 Jul 2009, 1:35 pm

QUESTION TO NTs:

Example: I divorced my husband of 1 year (no kids) for mental and physical violence. He knows I despise him. We bumped into each other 15 years later and he smiled at me. Why do NTs feel the need to be cordial even if they know there's no way in hell it can mean anything at all to the other, because the other knows their true face? And why should I smile back or say hello to someone I consider a piece of s**t? Why is the pretense of friendliness always above all?

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natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 1:42 pm

Greentea wrote:

QUESTION TO NTs:

Example: I divorced my husband of 1 year (no kids) for mental and physical violence. He knows I despise him. We bumped into each other 15 years later and he smiled at me. Why do NTs feel the need to be cordial even if they know there's no way in hell it can mean anything at all to the other, because the other knows their true face? And why should I smile back or say hello to someone I consider a piece of sh**? Why is the pretense of friendliness always above all?

I do that all the time. I guess it's because there is a hope that the person has changed. Also, it could be a way of saying "you didn't get the best of me J@rk." You see, I am happy and doing well. That is such a good question. Perhaps there is more to it. It would be more uncomfortable not to fake it. 15 years is a long time. The hope that the person has changed is so strong.

Greentea
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07 Jul 2009, 1:47 pm

Thank you, natesmom. I believe if he had changed, the first thing he would've / should've done was make amends and compensate me for all I went through. And I don't feel any interest to show people I despise whether I'm doing well or not... And what about his part? Why does he even bother to smile to someone he knows despises him? Is cordiality above absolutely anything else logical in society?

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fiddlerpianist
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07 Jul 2009, 1:49 pm

natesmom wrote:

To "AS"

If you are in an AS/NT relationship, what is most difficult for you and your Significant other? If you have one thing you want your partner to understand or just let go, what would it be?

That my ways of doing things around the house are very different, but I will get things done.

That I often don't know what to say when she is having a rotten day. Nothing ever works, so I have essentially conditioned myself to say nothing.

That I get really stressed out when she gets stressed out.

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natesmom
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07 Jul 2009, 4:06 pm

To AS-
Do you often feel alone in relationships even though you are together with some - spouse, friends or family

What can people do to help you not feel so alone? Would in be to share in your interests?

millie
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07 Jul 2009, 4:57 pm

Yes, to your quetion, natesmom. I often feel alone even though I live with my son's dad and my son. I want connection but find anything more than short bursts of conversational interaction to be too hard and tiring. This is the issue with autism for me. I want connection and feel lonely. BUt i never really connect face to face with people. I never have a "feeling" of connection with another. I feel as if i live behind a glass screen.

I have found friendship through sepcial interests. THat is the best way for me to feel a "part of." I also find connection wtih others through the experience of nature and animals.

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Psiri
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07 Jul 2009, 5:37 pm

natesmom wrote:

Psiri wrote:

Great idea Greentea.

My Question: Almost everything I say in conversation is just to fill the silence or to be interesting in some way. I know NT conversation has many other purposes - eg. making someone feel good or trying to impress someone etc. etc. What I want to know is how much of it? Does everything NT's say have a purpose regarding the next person?

I have no idea if I am answering your question.

I can't stand silences in conversations so I will fill it with just verbal jargon which is a lot of words with hardly any meaning (make sense). It could be an impulsive ADHD thing.

I will usually try to make a connection with that person by saying what I think they want to hear or I will just ask them some questions about themselves.
When they start talking about themselves, I nod or shake my head (depending on what they are saying). When they talk, I focus on my facial expressions and body language to try and make them match the conversation. I then think of something to say that would make them feel good or show them that I can empathize in a way that would let them feel I am saying "hey, I follow what you are saying or I understand."

Sometimes, I just want to talk, vent and don't even think about how the other person feels but I do expect them to have some of the NT characteristics instead of just walking away of not convey to me that they have at least followed the conversation. When I do this, I don't talk to have a purpose regarding the next purpose except for them to give their opinion in some way. My husband really doesn't do that - give his opinion or at least nod his head in understanding. that is hard for me but I have to find a way to just except that is how he is wired.

What I want to know is how much of it? Does everything NT's say have a purpose regarding the next person?

So, how much do I say as a purpose regarding the next purpose? I would say about 85% of the time. Most people who are AS make perceive me by doing it more. I haven't really thought about it so the number could be higher. I will pay attention today and see. A lot of times, I really just want their opinion.[/quote]

Thanks for trying to answer that natesmom, that's something that's been bothering me awhile. (Also, thanks Butterflair.)

About your question; Yes, I often feel alone - the more people around me, the worse it is. Someone sharing my interests does help I think, but mine are often so technical or obscure it doesn't happen very often. On the other hand, a hug is always good.

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Greentea
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07 Jul 2009, 10:49 pm

natesmom wrote:

I don't feel alone if the relationship allows for genuine interaction. Never felt alone with spouse, friends or family. But those situations where we all have to put up a show make me feel very lonely, such as with new acquaintances, or with people from work. Also, when I've been with people just so as not to be alone, but we were very ill-suited, I've felt very lonely and sad.

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wigglyspider
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08 Jul 2009, 3:30 am

natesmom wrote:

To "AS"

If you are in an AS/NT relationship, what is most difficult for you and your Significant other? If you have one thing you want your partner to understand or just let go, what would it be?

I think the hardest thing is sex. I would like to just get to the point, but it always takes so LONG. (Including the time taken to shower.) I try to avoid it for this reason, but of course he does the opposite of avoid it, so it's kind of a constant bothersome thing to deal with.

Also he sometimes gets mopey like if something bad happens to him and I don't sympathize much. It's just too much trouble to act all sad and sympathetic for more than like.. a minute. Because, it's like, I understand why he's upset and I know how that feels, but in a way I don't really care, because there's no point, because there's usually nothing I can do about the situation. (Like if it's a problem at work or something.) If I could do something to help, I absolutely would though!

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wigglyspider
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08 Jul 2009, 4:03 am

natesmom wrote:

I don't think I usually feel very lonely.. but what I like best is when people just talk to me without needing me to talk back. Like telling me about their day, or a news story they saw or whatever. Or when two or more people talk to each other and just let me sit and listen and just be kind of included even if I don't say much. Sharing my interests.. I don't know. That would be kind of cool, I guess, but I wouldn't like to be asked a lot of questions about it. It takes a lot of effort to come up with responses.

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jennyishere
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08 Jul 2009, 8:12 pm

Hi, Wigglyspider. I'm not sure whether you wanted anyone to comment on this or whether you were mainly answering Natesmom's question, but I thought you deserved a response. Sex shouldn't have to be a "constant bothersome thing to deal with", so maybe you need to tell your partner (in a loving way, so it doesn't sound like criticism) that you'd enjoy it more if it was quick and straight to the point. He'll probably be happy to oblige if it means you'll stop avoiding it and he gets to have sex more often.

If he gets "mopey" because he's sad about something, even if there's nothing you can do to change the situation, showing sympathy would make him feel like you care about him and that his feelings matter. That sort of thing is important in a relationship, at least for most NTs. If he's feeling down, maybe you could show that you care by doing things like hugging him, massaging his shoulders, making him a favorite snack, asking him if he wants to talk about it and just listening patiently, simple things like that.

As for feeling lonely, if you're a good listener, there are certainly plenty of people in the world who like to talk! I'm glad you don't usually feel lonely, though. Best wishes, Jenny

wigglyspider
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10 Jul 2009, 2:29 am

Thanks Jenny. Yeah, I know sex shouldn't be like that, but there are way worse possible relationship problems out there, right? :B I have trouble talking about that kind of thing, but I'll try to let him know.

And a few times when he's sad, I've fixed him a snack like you said and that's worked well.. maybe I'll just do that every time. And I'll hug him too. Good suggestions.

...Hey, why is this thread dying? I thought it was getting interesting. D: How many NTs are on here, anyway? (Maybe there's just not enough to keep it going..)

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First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! ! Post Reply New Topic

First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !