Maxine Aston. Has anyone had AS/NT councelling???

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Thanks for your replies to my previous post, very helpful. I'm doubly concerned now, as due to see her in a few days. I put her name in this search and it appears it might not be the wisest action to persue. We cant risk a biased opinion at this crucial time.
On reflection I can see now why I thought her books were so good. I heard what I wanted to hear at a time when I was vulnerable. On balance I now can see things from a different perspective. And it's a valid point as to why she needs to make a diagnosis when we just want help to save our relationship.

Has anyone had couple relationship councelling with her??

I would love to hear from anyone who has felt helped or harmed, had any experience or thoughts.

Thanks for your input, great site.

Vee

I don't think you're going to find anyone here that will say anything positive about Maxine Aston.

I imagine there are some people who would have some positive things to say about her, but I would also imagine that they are all divorced.

I noticed that in your other post you described yourself as an "NT'ish" wife.. does that mean that you don't consider yourself completely NT?

Aspies do tend to express things differently than NTs.. But men and women do that anyways. Maybe men are from Mars and women are from Venus.. and aspies are from Jupiter. Either way, heterosexual relationships are going to face some.. culture clashes.

I think that if she considers diagnosis more important to the counseling than finding out out the specific issues between you and your husband, that's a very, very bad sign. Every person is different, and while autism spectrum disorders can make someone more different in specific ways, aspies are still people and vary as such.

What are your goals in counseling? Does your husband have the same goals?
What is it that you think would help your relationship the most?

Vee,

andriarose apparently was diagnosed with an ASD from Maxine herself and had quite a bit to say about it in the thread that was mentioned in your previous thread... though I don't know how active she is these days. You could try sending her a private message and see if she responds.

"What are our goals" is a very good question, both of us want to stay together, but communication is at an all time low and we havn't discussed it. So will make sure we do.
As to "what would help the most" is another good question that we havn't talked about. How to communicate would be a good starting point.
The main thing I want to know is why does he want me in his life? all I am getting is that I am a nice person and told im loved.
This most important thing we need to work on is his "special interest", as this is whats driving us apart and any discussion we have only makes things worse.
Briefly, we both love biking, and for several years had similar bikes and had some great tours which bought us great fun and togetherness. Then, Tom (aliais) bought a new much faster bike 150mph, mine 115 mph. As im short this was not an option for me. Then he hooked up with the forum. (he previously did not use the computer much) however with the discovery of the forum he went from occasional use to daily use. Several guys planned a trip to the alps, and though envious I wasn't going I was happy for him to go and hoped he would make friends. This was about 4 years ago. It is a very exclusive and sexist group, i.e you could only go if you had the right make and model. Tom went out for weekend rides, and shorter holidays with them, bought all the correct gear and is always buying new bits and bobs for her(Christine). I can only see it as a complete obsession, he is online before work after work and several hours each weekend. Tom stopped going fishing with me, (another hobby we used to enjoy).
When a small group planned a short trip to France I decided to put my fear aside and went. I absolutly loved it and thought I had been accepted. That was until th alpha male of the group posted a discription of the tour. I was slagged off, blamed for the group being split, as "we had to go slow coz we had a lady rider. This was so untrue 2 riders were too slow for me But as he dominates all they do I knew it was a warning for me to bog off. Tom wants me to go on the rideouts, but says we will meet up, then we will do our own route.
I am no longer his biking partner, and dont want to be controlled byhis group. Tom aks me to go on rideouts with him and says "He will go slow for me" NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NEVER.
so I have lost my biking mate and its lonely fishing on your own. I have withdrawn into a very tough shell am depressed and almost mute as there seems no point of talking. Tom's happy chatting away on the forum, and I have become a miserable old cow, so no compotition for the forum.
Sorry that was supposed to be brief, but I dont know if councelling will help. I know for someone with AS Forum's are a way to communicate, and have a sense of belonging. I do understand that, but im so hurt, and question why he wants me in his life.

Re NT'ish. I am not quallified to say im normal, I dont feel normal. I dont have AS but share some traits in a mild way, esp sensory. I cant stand loud agressive music, or music with too many background noises, have to leave the room when jeremy clarksons voice is on (though I enjoy his coloum).
Cant bear flourescent lights, bright lights or flashing lights. My clothes have to be soft and comfey, and I need rooms to be balanced.
sometimes i find talking hard, but not in an AS way
I love being on my own
BUT i have far far too much empathy it drains me.

Anyway thanks for your imput, you have given me some really useful things to think about.

Now to cancel our apt with MA

vee

This may sound silly, but have him write an e-mail to you to express some initial thoughts about the current state of your relationship. Asynchronous communication will give him time at his own rate to organize and deliver his thoughts.


Eek, don't start there. That's an exceptionally hard thing for most men to verbalize. I mean, I know the many reasons why I am madly in love with my wife, but if you ask me to put it into words it will probably sound contrived and insincere. The reasons are probably the same when you first got married. It just sounds like stuff is getting in the way of that expression.


He's probably extra self-conscious about it now that you have both come to the conclusion that it is an AS obsession. They're not pretty to outside observers, really. It's easy to feel ashamed about thinking almost exclusively about a subject for long periods on end, and it's even more difficult to get someone else to understand this.

It sounds like he is trying to reach out to you on some of these rideouts. Is it possible that just the two of you could go without the other guys that make you feel uncomfortable? I'm sure he loves sharing this interest with you, he just doesn't know how to balance group time with personal time.


That is certainly understandable. I bet he doesn't realize how hurt you actually are. Have you told him?


Interesting. I wouldn't necessarily say that too much empathy would disqualify AS. Do a search on this site for "affective empathy" and you will find that many folks here have higher than average affective empathy, which might align with your definition of "too much." The sensory things you describe sound very much like autistic traits. I'm not suggesting that you "have" AS, per se. But you may be leaning more towards the spectrum than you think, for the reasons you are discounting AS are more complicated than you realize.

Did you say that you took the Aspie quiz for yourself as well? It may give you a rough idea.

Ouch.

It seems to me like maybe your man is being taken advantage of here. Many times--you will hear it from people on this forum, most likely--a socially naive Aspie is very easy to manipulate by a group of socially powerful people. Basically, you are so glad you have friends that you force yourself to overlook the fact that they are not very nice people, that they are mistreating you and possibly the ones you love. You get obsessed with keeping the friendship... it's as though you feel like nobody else would ever hang out with you; and if you have AS in an environment that is prejudiced enough, that may be the case.

Everybody needs friends, of course; and a lot of guys need guy friends to hang out with. But the way his friends are treating you is not cool, and I get the vibe that he might be caught in the middle, maybe even oblivious to how they are treating you.

I am guessing this because my mom--who is almost certainly Aspie like me--got taken in by a charming, manipulative, socially powerful man who also happened to be a sociopath who really mistreated the whole family; and it took her a long time to understand just how cruel he was, and would have taken longer if he hadn't outright been arrested. My mom loves her family--it could even be that her family is her special interest, in some respects. She was just too easy to manipulate, and happened to meet someone who was enough of a jerk to do it to her.

You are right, though. Communication is the absolute most important thing here. You and your guy love each other, but most likely you speak different languages, or maybe he isn't so good at saying things that need to be said.

Aston is completely unqualified. She has, I think, the equivalent of a bachelor's degree, and that from a college that isn't particularly good at teaching psychology (think "the kind of degree you get when you go to college to find a man"). To be a psychologist, you should have a doctorate, plus clinical experience. She started counseling people even before she finished that degree--which is highly irresponsible at best. She hasn't written a single article published in a peer-reviewed journal; and the ones she has written contain a healthy sprinkling of grammatical errors, out-of-context quotes, emotional language, and conclusions with no facts to back them up. She tends to cite about five sources per article (most journal articles use twenty or more), most of which aren't even other journal articles (she seems to favor books written for the general public; I am just waiting for her to cite Jenny McCarthy), and some of which are her own previous articles. It's very evident to me that she simply doesn't do the research when she writes her opinions, and probably wouldn't be capable of conducting a proper scientific study if she were inclined to do so. The "research" she has conducted is totally worthless, with no attempt made to standardize anything. I am an undergraduate and I am held to higher standards than she's using.

Some discussion here at WP about her work:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums-posti ... 03707.html

To you and your husband: You're probably right; there's a communication issue. It's a lot like you're from different countries. You have to learn to talk to him; he has to learn to talk to you. You're both going to have to compromise. I don't know whether your relationship will work out, but I do know that getting someone to help you communicate is a good step. Look for a couples counselor who is used to solving communication problems--maybe somebody who has had experience with couples who are very different in some way, age or race or culture of origin. Look for somebody who will neither insist that your husband's AS is the problem, nor assume he cannot change because he has AS. It needn't be an expert in Asperger's, if the person is willing to educate himself, or let you and your husband educate him; I say this because there is a lot more that is the same between AS and NT than there is different, especially when the NT is a little quirky to begin with, and what is really needed more than an expert on AS is an expert on marriage and communication between people.

I hope it works out between you two. I hope your husband finds friends who will treat him and you with respect.

Hello, mister Vee here. Here is the thread about the weekend away with the wife and some "mates". http://www.apriliaforum.com/forums/show ... t=honfleur The relevant posts are #170, #440, and #454.

And here are the result of some self diagnosis I did today.

Autism quote 37/50
Aspie = 31-45
Normal male =12-26

Empathy quote 7/80
A = 9-33
NM = 26-51

Friendship/relationship 29/135
A =35-78
NM = 55-86

Systematizing 42/80
A =20-52
N = 19-42


See, I'm as normal as anyone else on here

That empathy result is a bit worrying though, I'm off the bottom of the aspie scale. That probably explains why at my fathers funeral I was the only one asking the hearse driver how good a car was the hearse for performance and reliability.