Being yourself

Post Reply New Topic

I am really conflicted at the present moment. I feel like I need to be somebody that I am not and it bothers me. By nature I am a shy, softspoken individual who has a hard time putting myself out there. I feel in order to make friends I have to be somebody that I am not. I want to make more aqquaintances and friends but I do not want to sacrafice the real me in order to do that. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be the real me but I find that with the real me it is harder to make the friendships that I crave. Any advice?

Think of it this way....the real you craves friends. So the real you wants to be outgoing to get the friends you want. Therefore, if you become outgoing you are still the real you, you're just changing. It would be different if somebody else was pushing you to be outgoing and you didn't want to be. You're still you as long as you're doing what you want to do. That's my opinion.

Ah, well said, Justin Torch. Learning a new language, learning math, learning to play the piano doesn't change who we are. Learning the skills of greeting and meeting shouldn't change us either. I hadn't thought about it that way.

oh. you want advice. i was hoping someone was here to give some (lol).

be yourself: when it comes to social situations, i really have no idea what that means. i'm too busy trying to figure out what the unspoken rules are.

I guess be yourself, but try taking more risks. Try approaching people... chit chat... see where it goes. See who is receptive to you, see who isn't. I think just try and do things that interest you in life, try and talk to people and see if you can get something going. Don't be too shy... be willing to make the first move and ask people if they want to do something. That's about all the advice I've got.

Smile a lot. :3

It seems like being myself is pretending to be somebody else.

Hi,

As someone who struggled for years to understand myself and harmonize with others (I didn't know about the existence of Aspergers, much less applied it to me), I would just encourage you *not* to abandon your core characteristics in the effort to socialize. That can bring its own torment, something I've suffered from firsthand, and I have no intention of going back.

However, "tweaking" your social habits (in the sense of adapting them slightly to the expectations of others) without abandoning your core characteritics is possible, and I think that's the route you want to go.

It's all about finding - perhaps through experimentation - the boundary between what should be changed and what should not be changed.

You are, of course, always yourself and nobody else. People change, however, and if you want you can control some of it. You can learn new ways to behave, and new ways to think.

I've been there and for years, I've tortured myself into being a "People Pleaser" since grade school, due to major anxiety. And I wanted to ask you this: How do you feel on the inside after "acting" as "someone that you're really not?" Do you feel exhausted?
Irritable? Insane? You have to grow patience in loving yourself, everything about yourself: your voice, your autistc personality, and when you're around others, try not to look deprived about being autistic. Some people can just tell. For me, I have a hard time keeping my head up, and that is how I am the butt of many jokes. One thing that may be good to try and do: Take a real good look at yourself in a full bodied mirror and name all of the good qualities about yourself, and keep naming them without stopping.
Hope this helps you. Have a good day!

I agree with the rest here. Being yourself doesn't necessarily mean you can't change yourself. Yes, trying to be outspoken may not be easy for you, but it will be in the long run.

Here's how I did it:

1) Whatever you do DON'T ACT. Trying to be the coolest guy on the block whilst still being an aspie inside is damn hard work and you will slip up, probably at the worst possible moment.

2) Just as you get muscles by exercise and gain knowledge by reading new things you need to push the envelope now and again with your behavior. If something works then remember what you did and how you did it, if something fails then sit back and analyze why it failed then after you slightly modify your behavior try again.

3) Keep a diary so that you can hopefully look back and see progress.

4) Get help. Ask around for social skills training.

The secret is to still be yourself but slowly change your behavior so that you can blend in a bit better with the NT world. This is not a quick solution and it will probably take years but you will feel better for it.

Vanilla_Slice

Is there a social group for autistics of your age in your area you could try? i find im ok with my aspie friends but i have problems with the NT world. This is 14 years post diagnosis.

Alexis