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PunkyKat
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15 Jan 2010, 3:33 pm

Yesterday, at the movie theater I saw a man in an airforce uniform and that reminded me about the miltatary ID I have because my father is a vetern. I asked the ticket lady if they had discounts for "civlians". My mom jumped on me and I thought I said something offfense and disrespectful. I was so embarased I thought I was going to cry. Later my mom said I should just ask for a standard milatary discount because it saves money. WTF? You got all over me just for being honest? I don't get my mother at all sometimes. She's always complaning about no body has any morals these days and here she gets all over me for exhibiting a moral so she can save a buck.


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AspieInTraining
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15 Jan 2010, 4:17 pm

Asp-Z wrote:
I won't claim to never lie, but I certainly never do it for no reason, so if someone asks me if I like something they just made, or if I like their clothes, or whatever, I'll tell the truth. It's better in the long term anyway.


Today I asked a neurotypical friend (who has very good social skills) what to do if someone asks me if I like their new outfit. He suggested "deflecting" the conversation (rather than saying I like it--when I don't, or telling the truth and saying that I dislike it).

The conversation might go something like this:

Your friend: "How do you like my new outfit?"

You: "Wow! Where did you get it?"

Your friend: "I got it at Wal-Mart."

You: "Did you get it for a good price?"

Your friend: "Yes, it only cost me $10."

You: "Wow! I've noticed that they really have some low prices at Wal-Mart. You must be a smart shopper to find such good bargains on clothing."

You see? By responding in this manner, you did not have to lie about your opinion of your friend's outfit. And you even managed to give her a compliment about her ability to find good prices on clothing. How about it aspies? Do you think deflecting the conversation in this way is a good idea? Do you have any other ideas about how to respond truthfully without hurting the other person's feelings? :)



TheDoctor82
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15 Jan 2010, 4:20 pm

AspieInTraining wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
I won't claim to never lie, but I certainly never do it for no reason, so if someone asks me if I like something they just made, or if I like their clothes, or whatever, I'll tell the truth. It's better in the long term anyway.


Today I asked a neurotypical friend (who has very good social skills) what to do if someone asks me if I like their new outfit. He suggested "deflecting" the conversation (rather than saying I like it--when I don't, or telling the truth and saying that I dislike it).

The conversation might go something like this:

Your friend: "How do you like my new outfit?"

You: "Wow! Where did you get it?"

Your friend: "I got it at Wal-Mart."

You: "Did you get it for a good price?"

Your friend: "Yes, it only cost me $10."

You: "Wow! I've noticed that they really have some low prices at Wal-Mart. You must be a smart shopper to find such good bargains on clothing."

You see? By responding in this manner, you did not have to lie about your opinion of your friend's outfit. And you even managed to give her a compliment about her ability to find good prices on clothing. How about it aspies? Do you think deflecting the conversation in this way is a good idea? Do you have any other ideas about how to respond truthfully without hurting the other person's feelings? :)


at least in my mind it sounds incredibly phony...like something I'd hear from a shady character on a really bad TV show.

But if that's what most folks want, then fine.



Asp-Z
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16 Jan 2010, 6:17 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
AspieInTraining wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
I won't claim to never lie, but I certainly never do it for no reason, so if someone asks me if I like something they just made, or if I like their clothes, or whatever, I'll tell the truth. It's better in the long term anyway.


Today I asked a neurotypical friend (who has very good social skills) what to do if someone asks me if I like their new outfit. He suggested "deflecting" the conversation (rather than saying I like it--when I don't, or telling the truth and saying that I dislike it).

The conversation might go something like this:

Your friend: "How do you like my new outfit?"

You: "Wow! Where did you get it?"

Your friend: "I got it at Wal-Mart."

You: "Did you get it for a good price?"

Your friend: "Yes, it only cost me $10."

You: "Wow! I've noticed that they really have some low prices at Wal-Mart. You must be a smart shopper to find such good bargains on clothing."

You see? By responding in this manner, you did not have to lie about your opinion of your friend's outfit. And you even managed to give her a compliment about her ability to find good prices on clothing. How about it aspies? Do you think deflecting the conversation in this way is a good idea? Do you have any other ideas about how to respond truthfully without hurting the other person's feelings? :)


at least in my mind it sounds incredibly phony...like something I'd hear from a shady character on a really bad TV show.

But if that's what most folks want, then fine.


+1, and somehow I imagine this happening...

Friend: do you like my new dress?
Me: where did you get it from?
Friend: Wal-Mart, now do you like it?

Eventually the NT would bring the conversation back to the original topic.



16 Jan 2010, 6:26 am

AspieInTraining wrote:
Asp-Z wrote:
I won't claim to never lie, but I certainly never do it for no reason, so if someone asks me if I like something they just made, or if I like their clothes, or whatever, I'll tell the truth. It's better in the long term anyway.


Today I asked a neurotypical friend (who has very good social skills) what to do if someone asks me if I like their new outfit. He suggested "deflecting" the conversation (rather than saying I like it--when I don't, or telling the truth and saying that I dislike it).

The conversation might go something like this:

Your friend: "How do you like my new outfit?"

You: "Wow! Where did you get it?"

Your friend: "I got it at Wal-Mart."

You: "Did you get it for a good price?"

Your friend: "Yes, it only cost me $10."

You: "Wow! I've noticed that they really have some low prices at Wal-Mart. You must be a smart shopper to find such good bargains on clothing."

You see? By responding in this manner, you did not have to lie about your opinion of your friend's outfit. And you even managed to give her a compliment about her ability to find good prices on clothing. How about it aspies? Do you think deflecting the conversation in this way is a good idea? Do you have any other ideas about how to respond truthfully without hurting the other person's feelings? :)



I noticed you actually ignored the question and when people do that, you already know what they think obviously.

Like if I ask my husband if my movie bothers him and he doesn't answer. Obviously it's a yes. I know the pattern. If people don't answer, I then know the answer. So not answering doesn't really do any good because then people already know.

So if I asked someone what they thought of something and they don't answer, obviously they don't like it and they think bad of it.



Greentea
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21 Jan 2010, 10:23 pm

AIT, I use that tactic a lot, but I also know it's not the panacea. People are not stupid and they know you're deflecting. Same if someone does it to me: I notice that they're deflecting. Still, it's better than telling them what they don't want to hear - which is the biggest affront you can do to a human.


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AspieInTraining
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22 Jan 2010, 10:56 am

Greentea wrote:
AIT, I use that tactic a lot, but I also know it's not the panacea. People are not stupid and they know you're deflecting. Same if someone does it to me: I notice that they're deflecting. Still, it's better than telling them what they don't want to hear - which is the biggest affront you can do to a human.


I talked to my neurotypical friend yesterday, and I showed him the aspie responses to his idea about "deflecting the conversation." He said he actually has used this tactic successfully, but it has to be done skillfully or it doesn't work. After you compliment the person for being a smart shopper, he suggests you next deflect the conversation to something else (so the person will hopefully not get back to the original question of "how do you like my outfit?) The next thing you deflect to should be something in which you can honestly compliment the person, such as, "By the way, I loved the speech you gave last week. You're a great speaker!" or "The treats you brought to the office were delicious! You're such a good cook. Can I have the recipe?" He said what most people want most is to be "validated," or (in other words) feel that their talents and abilities are worthwhile and valued by others. If their ability to select attractive clothing isn't one of their talents, you can honestly "validate" them by praising them for their true talents, and they will still be happy and feel good about themselves.

But, if they do come back to the original question of "how do you like my outfit" and you don't want to lie, my friend suggests saying something such as, "To tell you the truth, I don't like your outfit. But then, people tell me I have weird tastes in clothing, so you shouldn't be offended by what I think." However, as an aspie, this might still pose a problem for you if people really haven't told you that your taste in clothing is weird (because then you have to tell a lie). But it may be better to tell a lie about your own lack of taste than to offend your friend. Aspies, what do you think? :)



Greentea
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22 Jan 2010, 11:28 am

However much you praise them after deflecting, they know you're deflecting, and they know you don't like their new outfit. In THAT sense, it doesn't work. It probably works in giving the person a good feeling in general, but also take into account that the person will white lie you back by making you think your deflection worked when it didn't. Ultimately, we all prefer to order dinner to our homes and watch TV because it's easier than playing this exhausting chess of white lies among humans where everyone is left tired, confused and unsure of anything. The white lies arms race WILL have to stop escalating at some point. An agreement to engage in and endure at least A BIT of truth will have to be reached by humans or we'll end up like the pandas: 1 or 2 in a zoo for nostalgic memories of things past.


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SwimmingHigh
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05 Mar 2017, 4:17 pm

found this thread after making one of my own asking if other aspies are overly honest all the time.
This definitely described me for most of my life, a few years ago I decided all nts base all their weird social stuff off lies constantly, and i had better adapt if I ever hoped to fit in.
Life is simpler I suppose but it feels wrong to do.

I have almost perfected this balance wherein I do not lie, but I am very careful with judging the importance of what I say and omit unimportant parts that would make a story boring or too long or unecessarily attract the unwanted help of someone.

I am better than NT's at it now. :D


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