How atypical am I? Can anyone relate?

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Hello:) I'd like to post this here to see if how common this is. Basically I have two issues that are caused by Aspergers- abnormal gaze, mannerisms, posture and stuff like that and the special interests part.
That last one I'm not sure I can account to asperger's because there was a period in my life where I didn't have any particular interest and enjoyed reading about all sorts of stuff. I've narrowed things down recently, but that might be just due to the growing up process:D I'm a geek, sure, but I just don't know how to differentiate between that and aspie interests. Anyways, I just can't relate to a lot of the spectrum stuff at all- I don't take things literally, have no difficulty detecting people's emotions- used to have, but not anymore. No sensory things, no stims that I have noticed..I am weird though:D I have strange eating habits- I can go periods eating only one type of food and literally rather starving than eating anything else.
And I sort of feel like I have no personality sometimes:S No expressiveness, even when I am feeling something inside I can't express it. Like all my social interaction is just pretending because I don't know how to really be sincere. And ppl pick up on that and it makes them not like me. This might sound really crazy, I dunno. But it's something that really bugs me about myself..Anyways. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Well, I do tend to zero in on specific subjects now more than when I was younger, but then I also used to read much more fiction back then, too. Really, I think reading itself can be considered a special interest. I know very few people who go through as much reading material as I do in a year. And I won't go to libraries where filthy humans have handled the volumes and bent, torn and food-stained the pages - must buy a fresh copy of my very own - and no book is ever thrown out, no matter how sure I am that I'll never read it again. Ya never know.



Probably only every Aspie here assembled. People often assume that I don't like something simply because I don't grin like an idiot and slap everybody on the back to show my enthusiasm. Just because I didn't feel it necessarily warranted a brass band doesn't mean I was completely uninterested. It feels unnatural to me to behave that way, so I don't. I have learned over the years when to say things like "Awesome!", "Congratulations", "I'm happy to hear that" and so on, rather than just let an awkward silence hang. But that's about as exciting as I get.

I can relate. I think some may have to do with a neurotypicals interpretation of special interests. Some think anybody that has an interest beyond sex,sports and cars are total weirdos. Thankfully there are plenty of intelligent, curious and creative NT's out there who know the joys of seeking knowledge for it's own sake. There are also plenty of people with strict routines who don't think of themselves as impaired in anyway. It seems like there are two camps-those who insist on a strict interpretation of the diagnostic guidelines and if you don't fit you don't have it. I don't fit the AS diagnosis classically,but that doesn't mean life hasn't been very confusing for me or that I haven't often been at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in social situations. It doesn't mean that I don't find romantic relationships virtually impossible or that I don't have to work hard to do the simple things that make up daily life. I have episodic highly focused interests but not all consuming ones. I function better with routines but have a hard time establishing them. I'm certainly not going to go to pieces if my routine is disrupted but it does affect me. If my usual morning routine is changed in anyway I will very likely forget something and have to backtrack. I'll lose my train of thought all day and will just generally be off track. I'm out of my groove and I'm wobbling all over. But as a rule I function. I work and pay the bills but am terrified of making an adult decision on my own. I've never bought a house or a new car. I have an above average IQ and a college degree but I clean toilets and empty trash for a living (it's OK, I chose it and I choose to stay for now)-but is that functioning according to societies standards? Who decides? Who gets to say, "OK you have suffered, you needed help and you didn't get it, but sorry, you don't qualify."

I think I know a little bit of what you are talking about. I'm going through a period right now to try and find my voice when it comes to my interests as well. When I was younger (as a child as well as a teenager), I didn't really have any "true" interests- I only really watched movies, did my homework, etc. Now that I have gotten older, I am starting to realize what I like to do on my spare time, so it is somewhat part of the growing up process. As for Aspie interests- correcting people when you get irritated (like pronounciation of the term "Asperger's", I'm irritated when someone doesn't pronounce it "as-per-jer's"), do you mean that kind of stuff? If so, I can relate to you.

For personality, I can realte to you a little bit. Social interaction is really difficult for me because sometimes I just don't know what topic to start with. As for emotions, I tend to have a hard time showing emotions, but that doesn't make me a zombie or any less human than that.

Well, I can relate to not relating to big parts of the spectrum. I think us "mildies" have a tough time making sense of AS because, like you say, there are often big chunks that don't fit.

You hear all this talk of the improbability of people on the spectrum not being able to hold down jobs and you think to yourself, "Well I bet I don't have AS in that case."

I used to have mild sensory issues but I don't anymore. I used to not be able to make friends but now it's not a problem. I've never had problems with depression. While I've always been very aware of where I put my eyes, I haven't had trouble with eye contact. I don't have a monotone voice or anything even close. My special interests growing up were very broad (music and maps).

You may be unaware you have certain autistic behaviors. For instance, I have a couple of stims which I never previously thought were at all autistic. They don't resemble anything like hand flapping, but I'm pretty sure they're stims because they increase when I get nervous.

Remember that no one person has all the autistic traits. So it's unreasonable to assume that you're not autistic simply because you don't exhibit them all.

You are quite likely the most abnormal human being on earth.

Have you seen E.T.? Basically you're looking into a crystal ball there.

Here's a tip: when they go to put the straitjacket on you, don't put up a fight. Just go quietly. It's better that way, trust me.

Try looking up alexithymia and see if it fits...

I'm of mixed mind on this, as I am on so many things <grin>.

On the one hand, the 'spectrum' is 3 dimensional and fades into NT in a continuum, so there must be a lot of different types of 'mildies'. I thought I was a mildy, because I've learned pretty good adaptations. Like fiddlerpianist, I didn't think I did stims, because I was thinking Rain Man, and really obvious things. And then i remembered that growing up I always 'talked with my hands' and people made comments that it was really weird and so I forced myself to stop doing those things, and now I'm usually doing something socially acceptable with my hands - holding something, massaging tight muscles, gently rubbing my fingertips together in a way no one would ever notice.

On the other hand, I made my geeky friends take the Aspie Quiz, and none of them came anywhere near the possibly aspie results. My geekiest friend actually had the most NT score. So even being The Weird Kid (or whatever) doesn't seem to have that strong a correlation with Asperger's. But I bet you're a mildy, and it will help to realize how your brain works, even if you're not having problems. For one thing, it may help you tap into special abilities.

Willard- You are right about the reading being considered unusual. I'm an autodidact of sorts in that I like to go through material I necessarily wouldn't at school, and do practice questions and stuff. And I don't do it for any particular reason but only because I'm interested and like it and I spend a lot of energy on it aswell. Which ppl have commented on that it's odd. But I'd love to science contests and stuff like that as well, but we don't have those around here. And the emotional expressiveness is actually the only issue I have. It's the only thing that betrays me I suppose:D

Aimless- I know what you mean about the routines thing. I kind of like it when things are laid out for me but it's not a must have for me to function. I can still get things done but it's easier if I know exactly when I have to do them. I'm confused as to why you're doing low level work though. Could you elaborate as to what lead to that? Do you feel like if you had had some sort of support, not necessarily professional, you would be doing better?

AGMorehouse- I'm fine with ppl speaking however they want:D I meant an interest in things that ppl wouldn't normally be interested in unless it was their profession, like scientific journals and stuff. But yeah, just because we can't express emotions in the conventional way doesn't mean we don't have them just as much as a normal person.

fiddlerpianist- Now that I think about it, I might have some unnormal stuff, like sometimes I just like to pace around the room, by myself:D I wouldn't do it in public though.

Poke- Thank you for the supportive words. I feel so much better now:)

DonkeyBuster- I don't think it fits. I have a very vivid imagination (almost too vivid) and I'm sensitive to other ppl's feelings. Also I only have trouble with nonverbal communication.

duke666- I'm not really questioning the diagnosis, well, I am, but I think I might be inbetween normal and AS. So one some things a pro could totally tell I'm a little bit "off" but other times even they wouldn't know. And yeah, I guess some ppl are weird to get attention:D Or just weird but have no trouble functioning otherwise.

bluerose wrote:

I think there are a lot of reasons. My history is lifelong low grade depression and ADD that was not diagnosed and treated and extreme difficulty in understanding social rules and expectations. This led me to self medication by alcohol. I lost a lot of years in a depressed "functional" alcoholic haze. Those are years most people spend building their resume and paying their dues. I have a Fine Arts degree which was fun but just a way of deciding not to decide. My mother told me recently that she and my father didn't insist on a different major because I was so emotionally fragile. When I graduated and realized I didn't actually have a marketable skill I went into a severe depression. I am painfully aware that success in an artistic field requires self promotion and I'm no good at that. When my drinking got so bad that I had a moment of clarity that I would die if I didn't stop (or at least be a member of the living dead) and I would lose the privilege of raising my son (I sent him to my sister's) I went into treatment. They suggested in treatment to get a simple uncomplicated job for your first year of sobriety. I started cleaning at 3 months sober and I gradually found that it suited me in a weird way. I've been there a long time and my employers at this point realize that I'll do a good job and will be absolutely dependable so I've got nobody breathing down my neck. My schedule is flexible so I can run errands in the middle of the day or go to a school function. It is so mindless that it's almost like getting paid for mild exercise. I listen to music all day and think. My clients like me and it's just the amount of social interaction I can handle. I don't work 40 hours- I don't know if I qualify for SSI but my son does and the extra money helps me work less so I can be more of a parent. He doesn't need new toys-he needs my time. I am a single parent btw. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me this long . The short version is I can't work and go to school at the same time-I know my limitations at this point- and amazingly I still don't know what I want to do when (if) I grow up. I'm 52.