How do I deal with this?

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I live with my mother.

I have difficulty cleaning up after myself. It takes too much effort. My room and bathroom are REALLY messy. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers my mother.

She just had a blow up over it while she was cleaning my room. She says she can't deal with how I live. I tell her she should accept my mental issues (AS, OCD, depression, ADD), accept that a big reason for my mental issues is how I was raised by her and my father (100% true, I won't go into the details), and accept how I choose to live.


I am on federal disability. I can't support myself. I already tried. (Went to college, got a degree, tried working, but after 36 years realized I didn't have the mindset to be independent.)

I don't know why she can't just leave me alone.


How do I deal with this?

Does anyone have any ideas what someone with no concentration whatsoever can do for work?

Last edited by KevinLA on 22 Sep 2009, 4:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Move out.

What kind of cleaning issues do you have?

I have OCD and things become contaminated and I don't like to touch them.

I also have what I call "clinical laziness". It just takes a lot of effort to do anything.

When I would work, it would take 2 hours for me to get ready, and by the time I was done, I swear I was already mentally exhausted like I worked 8 hours.

Hi.

You might try to live austerely. This is something that you can do in a few minutes each day:

1. Look at one small section of your room or bathroom (say 2 x 2 feet), is there anything on the floor, on the shelf or in a box that you do not use or need. If there is, put it into a black plastic bag. Once you have choosen one thing (even if it is literally garbage - such as a used kleenex), re-assess your energy level. If you have the energy, choose one more thing. Keep repeating this until the bag is full or you have determined that everything else can stay where it is. Now go throw the bag into the garbage pail outside.

2. Keep doing this everyday until you have gotten rid of garbage and un-needed/unused stuff in your whole room and bathroom.

Once you have less stuff - you will probably find it easier to keep your place tidier and cleaner.

In my own home, I do a purge once every few months. I am not obsessive/compulsive - but I am a messy person and tend to collect things. I go through with the old black garbage bag and get rid of junk. It really clears up the space and then it is easier to do basic housework.

Another thing that can be worked out with your mum is a very, very basic standard. Make sure that there is no bone fide health hazard. For instance, if you had decomposing food in your room - this poses a health risk as the home can get bugs. Make sure that your toilet is clean and the bathtub does not have a ring. Make sure that the counters in the bathroom are wiped down at least once per week. Also, make sure that used kleenex is put into a plastic bag and disposed of. Everything else is just messy and can be dealt with. If there is an actual health hazard - well then your mum might have a valid point.

When I clean, what I do, is put on those Playtex gloves. I think that's the name. Those yellow cleaning gloves that come up to just above my wrists. They keep anything from touching my hands and it's easier touching stuff I don't like with them on. I always make sure I have those on, then I can do anything. The only problem is hands tend to get sweaty in them.

I understand that you're an adult, but as long as you are living with another person you should respect their needs as well as your own, otherwise they might not want you to live with them anymore. I had to ask several family members to move out for just this sort of thing. Your mom shouldn't feel as though she has to pick up after you, and depending on just how messy you are, a messy bathroom can become a health issue for everyone in the house.

I also understand, however, that a messy room can seem overwhelming. It always does for me when I let something get away from me. What I do is try to break the concept of housecleaning up into small, easily completed tasks. Instead of trying to clean the entire bathroom at one time, try picking up the trash on Monday, clearing off the counter and wiping it down with cleanser on Tuesday, moving laundry to the utility room on Wednesday, using a cleanser on the bathtub on Thursday, sweeping the floor on Friday, etc., etc. On the next Monday, start over with the trash. It will get to the point that the room remains, if never completely clean, at least healthy to live with and reasonably in order and the job never becomes hugely onerous. Ana had a good idea with the gloves, as well.

You might want to show this idea to your mother and see if she can help you come up with a schedule. She might even be willing to help you with the cleaning if she sees that you're doing you're best to help her as well.

Tough question, I guess ... Some thoughts based on my own experience. In my case I was involuntarily in a symbiotic relationship with my original family. Getting out of that freed up what felt like infinite amounts of energy. Spiritual stuff helps me a lot. Like in AA for instance (their books) (reducing, limiting compulsion, anxiety). Romantic or otherwise close relationship seems to me to also mean almost unimaginally much for how I feel about myself these days (gives meaning and purpose for me) (feeling real). Best of luck!

Also, these days I keep feeling ever more how sensitive I am to almost anything. Making sure I consciously protect myself also frees up energy in droves. Like actually using hearing protection and a blindfold quite a lot. Doubly useful. Both feeling un-overwhelmed and also giving sense I look after myself .. am my own friend and trustworthy helper. Gives sense of safeness and snugness. Making me more relaxed and focused.

The question is if it is untidy or filthy.

If your problem is untidiness, try very hard to confine it in your room. Rule No. 1 of sharing a house. Common areas you keep clean so no leaving dirty plates around for example.

If your problem is that it is filthy e.g. rotten food, a toilet another person wouldn't touch and black mould growing everywhere and a horrible horrible stench - *I* would kick you out. You're a hazard to everyone else in the household.

So if you have limited cleaning energy, focus it on common areas and being hygienic. Being organized is something you can leave.

As for OCD. Disposable wipes with cleaning liquid, face masks and rubber gloves are your best friend (I used these when cleaning). As well as cleaning before a shower so you can wash immediately.

For the has you said clinical laziness I would suggest thinking that due to ocd that some items are contaimented is that if you use your ocd to your advantadge,because for some their ocd and fear of germs to give them the will to keep everything clean to the point of almost living in a almost sci-fi like sterile enviroment.So use your ocd has your drive to clean and you will overcome the lazyness issue.Hope that helps.

A couple options.

Hire a maid.

Get yourself out of bed in the morning, show a little respect to your mother/housemate & clean up after yourself.

If you don't do one or two be prepared to do number three, which would be loading all of you belongings into a shopping cart & find a nice bridge to camp under.

Seriously, I know it's hard for you, and I feel for ya. But you gotta pull it together & try & make your mom happy. Otherwise she's just gonna complain all the time or she's gonna kick you out, neither of which would be good for you. It's her house. She has a right to ask that you help her keep it decent. I mean, you know it bothers her, why don't you try & make her happy? It's not like you're working 60 hours a week or something.

Like others have said. Do a little each day until you get it under control. If you don't things will only get worse, not better.