Growing up, like many other kids I thought I was invincible in the sense I could never and will never suffer from any illnesses.
Was always very reserved and shy in class, which the teachers would comment on. It would annoy me and I would try to be more outgoing to prove them wrong.
I liked to be in a world of my own. I would watch characters on TV shows / films that I liked and would try to act like them. I had some friends who I was always very open with, but I would always seem cold and unfriendly to strangers, which just isn't so. For some reason I was always really anxious when talking to strangers, could never make eye contact with them much either.
From 16+ I began to develop symptoms of OCD, which just became from bad to worse, never been to a doctor about it by i'm confident it's OCD, te ritual, pure O's etc could be horrendous at time. Thanfkully I think the worst of it is over. It's not as bad as it used to be, but other problems in my life still remain which to a casual observer would simply appear to be my own self undoing.
At this point in my life, at the age of 21, i have a very poor social life, am still a virgin, have no job and my education prospects look very bleak. It's impossible to pinpoint where it all went wrong.
At first I thought it was down to OCD and social anxiety, but i'm not so sure anymore. I've never had a job simply because I didn't want to go up and apply for one. I just couldn't bring myself to do it when I was 16. I was really self conscious (esp about being overweight).
However, even though I am still a little anxious in public sometime, I have no problem actually interacting with people and going out. Only problem is I have no idea why I don't go out more. Most of my time outside of studying or going to the gym (I love working out) I just stay at home and pace around daydreaming and fantasising about things completely irrelevant to my life and how to improve it.
When I younger I was confident that being overweight was the root cause of my social problems, I went to full effort to shape up, lifted a lot of weights and it paid off. I do walking around in public more confidently, talk to people however some problems still remain - I receive a lot of attention from women, but I cant even find the ones I found attractive in the eye, let alone talk to them I think this mistly stems from the fact that I have a very negative body image esp 'size' worries.
And it's emotionally very crippling to see guys my age walking around with their girl and enjoying their lives wheras i just seem to always be immobilized and get no where in life. And I have no idea why i'm like this.
I hate to admit it but this (for lack of better words) envy and jealousy have lead to anger and depression. All I do on friday or weekends is drink and wallow in self pity esp about how lonely and isolated my life is. I even dropped out of university once because I drank too much and didn't have any motivation to do the work. I'm having another go at studying and am barely managing.
I don't even invite the very few friends I have into the house because it's always very unkept, I don't want them thinking i'm filthy.
Is autism an influence on all/some of these setbacks i've experienced?
Last edited by Rainy-Days on 01 Oct 2010, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
01 Oct 2010, 6:35 pm
