Passive aggression....why?

Post Reply New Topic

I can neither deal with (when I actually pick up on it), nor understand passive aggression. I realise using it isn't just an NT thing, since honestly, I've dealt with A LOT of it lately coming from Aspies who, in my humble opinion, are a whole heck of a lot lower-functioning than I am. Like lying, though, this is just one of those things I was not programmed to do or understand. I don't see the point. If you have a problem with someone, you've got two options, either internalize it (which I did for years, not healthy, definitely not recommended), or be out with it (my usual MO these days). Even to someone who picks up on hints easily, being bitchy and nasty to someone without telling them the root cause accomplishes nothing besides pissing them off. So why the hell do it? As for online passive-aggression (as in, say, Facebook posts or status updates)....well, that's just infantile.


Also, I don't know about anyone else, but while I deal very well with people explaining what I've done to wrong them in a straightforward manner (I've been dealing with this my whole life, I'm used to it), and I can resolve issues without getting too angry, if I pick up on passive aggression from someone it sends me into a complete rage. The stupidity and bitchiness of it is really too much to handle.

I'd rather be the victim of passive aggression than active aggression.

Well, yes, I would definitely prefer not to get beaten up every time someone gets annoyed with me (I'd be too dead to post here now, for sure)....but I'd still far rather get told off than be on the receiving end of the petty bitchiness most people call passive-aggression.

maybe its not always a concious thing people do, for me if i dislike someone being around that person will put me in a bad state of mind. interaction with that person will be passive agressive from my side. i understand i shouldnt be mean to anyone if i have no clear or logical reason for it, but the emotional state i am put in by being close to those people will also affect the way i interact, as soon as they leave me alone i return to normal. it took me a while to realize i was doing it and i like to think i do it because i dont want to be near things that kill my mood. but the question remains why i dislike those people in the first place.

there could be many different reasons why people show passive aggresion we dont know about. not just because they want to hurt you but theyre too chicken for the direct aproach.

I hate passive aggression. I think people on the spectrum often don't realize that it p***es others off, and as TB said, may not even realize that they're doing.

I've had one incident with a person on the spectrum in the past due to this. He became irritated with me, but never told me anything, so I assumed that I wasn't doing anything wrong. He waited until it got really bad, and even that he told me through e-mail, not face-to-face. He was giving me cues that I was not able to interpret. Had he told me directly earlier that I've been annoying him, I would have changed my approach. But how was I supposed to know? I have one of these fixations on him, not a romantic interest, just an obsession...

I don't think there's a way to avoid this other than by keeping your distance from people.

It is odd, but I see passive aggressiveness as something that can arise from trying to rationalize contradictory social conventions.

People are socialized to do two things (among others):

1) Express your needs
2) Be attentive to how words and non-verbal communication are received by others

When these two social conventions are contradictory (I have to ask you to do something you find unpleasant; I have to ask you to stop doing something you like because I find it unpleasant) then how do you reconcile the two.

I am not going to say, "Stop walking into my room without knocking!" I am just going to turn my back and hope that you understand that I don't want you to do that. I am not going to nag you to take the garbage out, I am just going to point out that the garbage is still in the kitchen.

Somewhere along the line many people seem to have lost sight of the middle ground:

"I would prefer it if you knocked before coming into my room please."
"Do you need some help taking the garbage out? I can help you with it, and then I would be grateful if you would help me with (insert corresponding chore here)."

The answer to the "Why?" is because it is a defense mechanism, usually only partly conscious (according to Psychologists anyway).

The book Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man lists 11 responses that may help identify passive-aggressive behavior. [2]

Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others
Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
Making chaotic situations
Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
Obstructionism
Sulking

Clinincal Definition follows:
Diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV Appendix B)
Passive-aggressive personality disorder was listed as an Axis II personality disorder in the DSM-III-R, but was moved in the DSM-IV to Appendix B ("Criteria Sets and Axes Provided for Further Study") because of controversy and the need for further research on how to also categorize the behaviors in a future edition. As an alternative, the diagnosis Personality disorder not otherwise specified may be used instead. The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:[3]

A) A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicted by four (or more) of the following:
1.passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
2.complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3.is sullen and argumentative
4.unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5.expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6.voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7.alternates between hostile defiance and contrition
B) Does not occur exclusively during major depressive episodes and is not better accounted for by dysthymic disorder.
Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.
A passive-aggressive person may not have all of these behaviors, and may have other non-passive-aggressive traits.