Social Skills: Apologizing

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This comes up in light of recent events here but it came up before with an NT friend as well. Maybe it's a guy thing; but some people don't seem to understand that sometimes you have to apologize whether or not you actually think you're wrong, just to make things go more smoothly. If you "don't want to lie," say you're sorry for upsetting the person you're apologizing to, if applicable. And do NOT say "I'm sorry, but..." as that negates the apology.

I wish more people understood this. It would prevent a lot of upset in the world on a person-to-person level and possibly even more generally than that.

I want there to be an expression which one says to make the other less pissed at you but doesnt technically mean you regret anything you did.

To me, an apology implies not only that you are sorrowful for the injury (i.e., misunderstanding, insult, emotional upset, whatever) you've caused another but also that you wouldn't have done it in the first place if you had known better. If you're not sorry enough to wish you could have changed the course of action you had taken, you're not really sorry, in my opinion.

If you did not mean to cause someone harm but still would have taken this course of action, you can apologize for the side-effect your course of action had on someone while not wishing that the action itself could be undone.

Of course, apologies can seem profoundly sorrowful while being nothing of the sort. An example follows:

I'd start with "I'm sorry you feel that way"

<I'm sorry> is the first phrase to be heard, and often helps.
And it's an expression that can be used without compromising truth.
THEN, according to reaction, you can choose either to hold your ground, or explore the situation: "What were you expecting/hoping for?" "What has upset you?"


Even with the best handling you are not going to win them all, and provided you've made the effort to make sure it's not your fault, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

(If it is your fault, 'fess up. Nothing works better, and limits the damage better.)

IMO a true apologies not only involves saying you're sorry but empathizing with the person as well. For example I recently apologized to my ex g/f "Im sorry....trying to force you to like me must of made you feel guilty and trapped" tell them what you did wrong and tell him how you think it made them feel based on their reaction



for example,

My ex constantly fighting with me and ignoring me was her reaction to me smothering her as well as some other things I did I won;t even mention. But i apologized to her in the way i described above and it well very well. i didn;t expect it to go over as well as it did.

Serissa this was a good topic to bring up consider a certain person here doesn't seem to understand the concept of an apology.

Serissa, I agree that the guy in your example should have apologised. How could he not know he was dating the first girl? If he was going out with her, then he was dating her. I have a 15 year old daughter and some of her friends have been hurt the same way when boys they thought they were going out with kissed other girls and then the word got back to them.

No, he genuinely did NOT know he was dating her, I can vouch for that. I didn't know, either, and I'm close to both of them- last I'd heard the girl didn't "like him that way" but that was awhile back, so I personally wasn't sure if she was humoring him or was delevoping an interest. And then apparently somwehre down the road she thought she was dating him; right before the other girl kissed him the girl I know made a bit of a grand gesture and held the guy's hand for a bit (big effort for her keeping in mind her touch issues- she's NT but has Aspish touch issues, so she hadn't kissed him and doesn't even hug him a lot or anything).

I'm living in a bleeping soap opera.

I wish people were more willing to make asses of themselves like I did entering my current relationship and actually ask if they're dating.

Some of my female friends say I apologize too much, as if I am not taking a stand for like my beliefs or something else.

Oh gawd; now she's saying she just wants to be friends. She's too nice to say "f**k off." And so he will never LAY off. Ugh.

Lying about feeling sorry makes me feel guilty. If I'm not sorry, I won't pretend to be.