Hi Functioning Aspies with a Breakdown in Mid Adulthood?

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@morgana -

What I'm about to say is not being said to be funny. It's serious. After having thought about what this thread is focusing on, I'm beginning to suspect that I got so burnt-out in my past from stress that I was too incapable of realizing there was something wrong with me when I was at the peak of being in my worst condition.

In hindsight, I know I was functioning off of adrenaline constantly. I lack the ability to recall memories of my children growing up (they're adults now and are doing fine) and almost as much of this same inability in regard to my life before having them. Sometimes something may trigger a memory now and then, but it's fundamentally not in my control to be able to recall events... even if someone tries to help me remember.

I suffered chronic insomnia constantly for 13 years (averaging 2-3 hrs. of sleep per night). That was between the time I was 33-46 years old. Between age of 46-53, I was slowly able to improve. Then after turning 54 (I'm now 55), the speed at which I've been regaining my energy and ability to concentrate is faster.

I finally reached a point of being able to sleep a normal 8 hrs. per night (for the majority of nights in the past couple of months). That's something I haven't been able to do since I turned 27.

I read that prolonged severe sleep deprivation does damage to the brain. I feel like it's impossible for me to gauge how well I function now as compared to in the past. I'm simply thankful to be improving and to live to tell about it. The odd thing is that in spite of my cognitive abilities and nervous system getting battered around like a ship getting banged against the rocks, my body's physical health has so far been excellent. I attribute that miracle to the grace of God.

I have not have had any official breakdown but I have had a long slow decline over the last 6 or 7 years. I finally figured out what was wrong with me and I'm not sure it's a good thing. I am no longer trying to function in the ways I attempted before I realized I do in fact have an impairment. I was pretty suicidal about a year ago. There were a couple of days where I felt like I had already died, I was very detached from life and relieved that I had made the decision to just get it over with. I am glad I didn't lame out and abandon my animals like that. All I really want is to be able to support myself and be able to feed and care for my animals until I die. I am trying with the other stuff anymore, the social stuff. I can't do it. When I get the illusion I can I just fall on my face and get reminded.

I can understand why we flame out in mid-adulthood, NT's have a mid-life crisis and some of them kind of lose it so it's no wonder that with everything being amped up for aspies it is exponentially worse. I am really sorry you have struggled to this extend. I still hold out hope for myself.

I used to hurt myself deliberately to keep the adrenaline level up and keep myself in emergency mode, because otherwise I couldn't cope at all.

... well, okay, I still do, but not nearly as much.

Sadly, I have never found any books on the topic. Most likely it is still very rarely researched. Many autism professionals seem to think that the best approach is to push the child as hard as you can, as young as you can, to force them to learn as much as possible... I wonder if maybe these modern autism therapies aren't causing burnouts in the teen years.

total breakdown at 43. it totally wrecked my life... everything. still. stress is way past upper limits.

Had a few breakdowns over the course of my life. They are fairly standard experiences for us, from what I can gather...and they are usually a result of overload or trying to function in a manner that does not take into consideration the trait presentation within an individual.

I agree with Stephen Gutstein, who speaks about the fluctuations of ASD traits and issues over a course of a lifetime. There is not necessarily an exponential increase in functioning and "improvement" as Temple Grandin has stated (and as have many others.) There are peaks and troughs, times of increased AS traits and times when it is less apparent, and because of our senstivities and issues, changes in environment, routines, stasis and external and internal alterations can have a PRONOUNCED affect, which can of course manifest in breakdown.

This is my empirical understanding of my own journey with autism over the course of nearly 50 years. (well... 48 this August.) I have a formal dx of AS but with sensory issues that are extreme and would usually be more typical in someone with a classic autism dx.)

I personally believe a thorough understanding of one's own specific trait manifestation and presentation, and then working from that foundation and with that information, and learning how to manage these without trying to alter who I am intrinsically - can do a lot to help one live in a more balanced and meaningful and less painful way. I have used this approach over the past two years with good results and good outcomes. It has meant overhauling some aspects of my life in a profound way, and I am asserting myself in terms of my requirements regarding the need for understanding from those close to me, because previously I was unwittingly attempting to carry an "NT load" and I simply cannot. My meltdowns were firece, daily and impacting me and others in a way that was really painful. I have been freed from a lot of suicidal ideation and a lot of desolation as a result. I live more peacefully and fruitfully and I have found great benefit from meeting with other ASD women in my local region...many of whom share my experiences and difficulties. life is ok. in fact, it is just fine these days and I am fine with who I am.