who are you/ do you know who you are?

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I don't know how to phrase this exactly, my first choice was 'can you feel yourself' but that sounds a bit weird...

Do you have a sense of who you are? I sense that my self-definition is a lot weaker than that of NT people. They seem to know. One thing I'm coming to terms with is that I really had no clue when I was younger and I adopted alot of stuff based on what people around me wanted me to be. So when I was younger I was quiet and nice because that was what was expected of me. But I still felt this emptiness l like I couldn't 'feel' who I was inside. I have said before it's like being in freefall within myself, I can't really grab onto who this person is that I am supposed to be. I know for me it seems my boundaries of self are a lot further out than most people (NT people). I have a lot of special interests and I sometimes change according to what they are. I contradict myself a lot. I sometimes like things and then don't like them. I know that is common for for me it seems like it's a lot more common than for a lot of people. I can't remember the name of the poster who started the thread about fake personalities but that is what I adopted a lot of through my life depending on who I was around. I am empathic and I think I take in way too much from my surroundings, sometimes I don't even know I am doing it. I still don't feel any real self-definition but I think I have a vague sense that things are starting to take shape, a lot of this has to do with having spent the last 7 years around my family and getting the realization that the way my role in my family was defined was convenient for them but has nothing to do with me. So now I am kind of emptying out a lot of the fake identity. Does anyone else relate to this and does anyone have any theory on why AS people might have less defined boundaries of self, I have heard this attributed to AS before but I don't know what is operating here.

I'm a 35 year old, non-conformist. I'm a die-hard Kinks Fanatic. I love the Mid 60s. I also like to daydream about Swinging London and Carnaby Street. I also know that I like the other music from the British Invasion era between 1964 and 1968. I know that I want to go to London, one day. I also know that I'm a very sensitive person, and that I cry very easily, when I feel threatened, or hurt. There were Mods, than Dandies and than Swingers, after that. I'm a Dandy. Mods wore the suits and parkas and they rode on Vespas or Lamberettas. Swingers wore the bright colours and velvet, scarves, and horn-rimmed glasses, providing that they needed glasses. They were into sex and photography. Dandies had a very unusual place, in the 60s. They were Kinks Fans, of all genders. who dressed like The Kinks, with sports jackets, lace, black jeans or trousers, eventually leading to turtle necks, pea coats and plaid. That's who I am.

I know who I am, all too well, and I think that's what really scares my mum. She wished that I didn't know myself, so I could be the faceless autistic that she wanted, or blend in, with society.

Daniel

*Shrug*

I hang out here, I hang out at AFF, I hang out at Zomg and I2, and other places, I seem to have different personalities. My behavior gets affected by others and I act how others act. I sometimes don't know who I am and I feel I am probably my true self when I am in PM or on IM or off the forums. I speak more freely on other forums because things are more laid back and not as restricted as it is here. Anything can be seen as a personal attack. But Zomg has been boring lately and I2 sort of. I just pop back in at Zomg a few times a week now.

i knew who i was before my diagnosis. now, i go from one extreme to the other...ie i am very self-aware to who the xxxx am i. i now try not to be so philosophical about it anymore. not easy as everyone wants to feel and know who they are but maybe an answer will come to me one day. yet we're changing constantly, so perhaps there'll never be a definitive answer.

I feel I really do know who I am. I think it's something that develops with age somewhat.

Alana, i don't know if this is the precise answer to your query but i would suggest that since many people who get into the acting profession have asked your question at some time or another in their lives, maybe you should consider as a sort of homemade "therapeutic investigation into self" that you might consider volunteering at a local community theatre and try to see if you can find yourself while in the guise of another character. many actors have this central uncertainty about their own identity and they find that acting is the fix for this. just a thought.

some song lyrics below which are enlightening:

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Actually, from my experiences, I have a better sense of self-awareness than any of the NT people I know at or near my own age. That being said, however, there are large limitations with how much I could say that I know about how they know themselves. Convoluted, but true, self-image and self-worth don't always translate to other parties. I think that much of why I know myself so well is because of my personality and how much time I've had to engage in self-reflection and finally by how many ways my limitations have been tested. I have been in many extreme situations where I have learned a great deal about myself. Experiences, even more so than age, cause some people to learn a great deal about themselves and age at a different rate than others who have not been placed in those positions. Gaining control over my emotions, and trying to make myself a better person, have caused me to go out of my way to know myself. It's something that I consider very important. But when it's yourself that you are analyzing, it is difficult at times to know exactly where you are in the process with few reference points to note your position.

I thought I knew myself very well but I am still learning more about myself every day, some of which contradicts what I had initially thought.

I think we generally learn more about ourselves as we grow older. Some people never do however because they are sometimes living in denial, scared to face their true selves or have little self awareness.

Do I know who I am? That's a confusing question for me. If you mean what type or personality do I present to the world, then I don't have a clue. I don't know what people think of me. I know myself intimately however but it doesn't translate into a type. I think if you are still discovering things about yourself, that's a good thing, because it means you're still evolving.

When I was younger, I was less self aware. I feel I'm a bit more self aware now.

I sometimes have difficulty recognising that I am not the same person I was maybe 5, 10 years ago. Sometimes I feel I 'owe' it to my past to keep up old goals or habits, even though they no longer mean anything to me and may be counteractive to being happy in the present.

These days, I find it helpful to write down bullet points about who I want to be; it can be practical stuff like what I plan to do in the next week, what hobbies to take up etc. or personal things I would like to work on, such as being more friendly/ not taking things personally.

I think i knew myself as a small child. I had a certain predisposition and preferences that seem to have stuck with me. I have changed, of course, but there are certain things that seem to change predictably about me.

I haven't the slightest about who I am.
Well, I know who I was, what changed, I know most of who I am now, but I don't know who I will be. And with that I don't mean in 10 years, I mean the day after today. It's not just something I can easily explain, like a mood swing, it's bigger then that. I have no idea why that happens and it's a real pain for everyone around me.

I can however keep up a charade most of the time, which prevents me from looking like a total psycho in front of everyone.

I believe what you're calling a lack of a sense of self is actually a truer perception of self.

I'm coming to an increasingly profound opinion that our self-definition is a vain pursuit.
This started probably after my first 10-day silent meditation retreat. (in the S.N. Goenka lineage - It's free, btw). "No me, no my" - what would motivate people to say that in Buddhism? Other faith traditions might call this detachment, minimization of the self, among others.

Another reason not to worry about it: watch Adam Curtis' documentary "The Century of the Self." The brief synopsis is that it's easier to sell useless junk to a populace that is self-obsessed and discontent. Perhaps then this gnawing need to define one's self is a bit of a manufactured artifice? "You are what you buy." Perhaps some of the others you see who are very content with their self-definition, are just a bit more susceptible to the message of insidious marketing efforts.

A third factor is an interest in cognitive biases, such as
- Fundamental Attribution Error
- Illusory Superiority
- Illusory Transparency
This implies that so much of what other's see in us is false, and our perception of the world is also false. If the ability to perceive one another or ourselves *is inherently wrong*, then how much is gained from concern about a well-defined sense of self? Furthermore, a lot of the sense-of-self that you admire in others probably falls under the cognitive bias umbrella. (Check out the paper "Unskilled and Unaware of it" ***Abstract at the bottom of the post)

So what is it that these NT's are claiming as their sense of self? You are what you do? You are the music you listen to and your style of dress? You are how you're respected? You are what you say? You are the same in the past, present, and future? You are the team you root for, or the school you went to, or the tribe you come from, or your demographic group? I don't mean to minimize the pleasure that many people get from belonging to these kinds of groups or contradict that most people find this kind of thing a very positive personality trait. But most people whom I mentally refer to as "aggressive self-definers" don't really have an accurate perception of themselves, from my POV. ["Well I just don't take no trash talk from nobody." Yeah, except for this time, and that time, and that time, etc.]

In response to the disconnect you mentioned about how your family perceives you: this also impacts me. I find that other people project character traits onto me that are all over the map. Some people find me hardcore left-wing and others right-wing (and I don't discuss politics! No clue what would drive that). One time a guy just flat out said to me, "I can't figure out if you're a good girl or a bad girl." Um?

This is of course just one opinion, but I happen to believe that "I sense that my self-definition is a lot weaker than that of NT people." is probably just sensing the world a little more as it is. Probably those here would agree that improved unbiased perception is an AS trait.

"To name something is to deprive it of its essence." Other people like to label the world because it makes it easier for them to not have to consider stuff (i.e. you) individually. To be yourself though, don't name it. You already are.


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*** // Unskilled and Unaware of It // Kruger J, Dunning D.// Abstract // People tend to hold overly favorable views of their abilities in many social and intellectual domains. The authors suggest that this overestimation occurs, in part, because people who are unskilled in these domains suffer a dual burden: Not only do these people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it. Across 4 studies, the authors found that participants scoring in the bottom quartile on tests of humor, grammar, and logic grossly overestimated their test performance and ability. Although their test scores put them in the 12th percentile, they estimated themselves to be in the 62nd. Several analyses linked this miscalibration to deficits in metacognitive skill, or the capacity to distinguish accuracy from error. Paradoxically, improving the skills of participants, and thus increasing their metacognitive competence, helped them recognize the limitations of their abilities.

I'm 'enry the Eighth, I am.

I got married to the widow next door -
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an 'enry
She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam
I'm 'er eighth old man named 'enry








(second verse, same as the first...)