Being mean or rude without trying to be?

Post Reply New Topic

Valoyossa, Oh I'm accused of that one too..."Why are you yelling?" and I'm not. But I sure can when I want to.

Not crappy advice at all. I'll try imitating, it's not like I can make this problem much worse than it already is...lol.

I'm fairly sure that my facial expression is exacerbating this, like you said my face is quite expressionless a lot of the time so yeah. :/ I feel really silly if I try to smile, it makes me feel really embarrassed just because it's SO unnatural for me...maybe I just need to practice...hehe

My voice can be quite loud, and not just that...I think a lot of people see me as a "loud" person if that makes sense. People often tell me that I have a very eccentric, but also a very strong personality. From what I can tell, I think I intimidate people quite a bit...even though it's completely unintentional. That probably adds to this problem...I think that I can come across as perhaps arrogant or something in my vocal tone and my demeanor in general. I'm guessing here, as I have no idea how my demeanor looks to an outside person...but that's what it seems like. I am so frustrated with myself...I don't want to sound like that, because I'm not like that at all...just UGH! I hate the way my brain works(or doesn't work, haha) when it comes to stuff like this.


Yeah, I so get this. I do this with people accusing me of being "rude" as well:

random person: "Why are you being so rude?"

me: "I'm not being rude, but that can be arranged." <_<
-----------------

I get so FED UP with this after awhile that if someone accuses me of being rude or something...I'm way more likely to just emotionally snap and then actually end up being mean. Gah!! !! !

The latter has happened, since I've noticed I do have some problems controlling my tone of voice.

I agree with the poster who said about saying please, it really can help. Copying a persons tone who is believed to be polite may also help (as another poster said).

Another thing, perhaps better to say in that situation could be "excuse me, can you pass me a drink please?".

Using a tape recorder may help with learning to have a better tone, people hear themselves from the inside, other people hear them on the outside (thus the voice you hear when you speak is different than the one they hear). Recognising the feeling of your voice in your throat in different tones may help you learn to sound less rude.

At least once a week. This is getting me into trouble at work. The old, "it's not what you say, it's how you say it."

But I don't know I'm doing it, I'm not trying to be mean, and when I go out of my way to act polite and compliment someone, I'm told that I'm being "fake."

I can't win.

*sigh*

Rude, distant, too sarcastic, that's me.

Sadly, you are not alone. I had an incident where someone told me off for being rude just last Friday, and I really went over in my mind what it was that I said or did that could have been construed as rude, but there was nothing I could see that was wrong. The situation simply was that there was software to install. The rep who was giving us the software was explaining it to one of the other women as to how to install it - this woman I don't trust around my computers because our network tends to be a delicate and fragile thing, and I don't want to have to track down her mistakes either (or have to call in the expensive techs, which always makes the bosses upset), and she is the type to do something and then let others clean up her mess, but I didn't say anything. The other secretary, though, spoke up and told them quite pointedly that I was the one to talk to about installing any software and I said "yes, come talk to me" or something to that ilk. It would have fallen to me to install it anyway because this woman wouldn't know how to do it, but then the woman they were initially giving instructions to would have been giving me the instructions . Hmm, think I just worked it out - I went up the pecking order without permission, didn't I... LOL!

Sometimes I find people will tell me I am rude and mean when I don't give them their own way. It is a very childish reaction. They can't accept blame, no matter how minor or trivial. Other posters are correct, it is all in the face and the tone too. I have read through all examples given and the answers that earned the poster the label of 'rude" and quite frankly nothing was truly inappropriate, at least to the eye.

Athenacapella: I hate that people can't accept a compliment at "face value" either. I always seem to be defending a compliment, but I think people are so conditioned to look out for those who give compliments because they have a hidden agenda, that the default is "everyone is lying to get something", sigh.

Sometimes. My mum is worse than me though. My sister is worse than me.

oh yeah I get this all the time. Especially from mom, who's like "You're so RUDE all the time!" I don't know what the heck to do.

I have a horrible feeling that most people perceive me as rude at work, and in some cases it's sort of understandable. I don't always give a greeting when entering the office in the morning, for example, because I dislike the way it feels forced or repetitive. And when asked "How's it going?" I answer but don't always return the question, because too often it comes out awkwardly or I fail to pretend I'm interested. I've never been much good at remembering to smile, and most attempts at polite conversation quickly fizzle into uncomfortable dead-ends.

What makes it frustrating is that, inwardly, I'm probably the most humble and harmless person there. I'm a very well-mannered person; my all-round awkwardness just gets in the way of that and sends the wrong messages.

This happens to me with alarming frequency. I didn't know it was an AS trait; I usually chalked it up to coming from an especially blunt and sarcastic family. My significant other often tells me that my reactions to things seem insensitive or callous.

Here's an example:
After the shooting incident at Fort Hood last November, we were watching the news and they showed a photo of the inside of the shooter's apartment. I noticed that the shooter owned a bookcase identical to the one which holds our books. Since I found this notable, I pointed it out by saying, "Hey! That guy who shot all of those people at Fort Hood has the same bookcase we do!" Apparently this is an inappropriate reaction, because the news story was about the perpetrator of a tragedy, not his insignificant personal possessions. I honestly wasn't trying to be cold, I was just making an observation that I found interesting.

I wonder if some of this has to do with aspies' tendency to fixate on details rather than the broader picture. It's interesting to learn that its an AS trait.

Edited to add that I think I seem rude in daily encounters because of my facial expression and my inability to maintain conversation, especially small talk. Also, lots of people are put off by lack of eye contact. Someone explained to me that failing to look at someone who is speaking to you makes it seem as though you aren't interested in what he or she is saying, even if the opposite is actually true.

That's the same problem I have (minus the wife part). When I was growing up I got in trouble a lot with my mom for my tone of voice. I got asked to leave a job partially based on my tone of voice (they thought I was being insubordinate when I was just asking clarification questions).

Yeah I get this all the time, annoys me to no end, I couldn't care less how NTs perceive my behaviour, if they don't like me they can stop talking to me.

Yes, I think it's because I get defensive, when people (at school) attack me verbally, I attack back, and if they're attacking quite subtly (or with a pack of friends, automatically making them right even when they're wrong) and I'm just telling them outright where they can bloody go, an observer would think I was the one being rude and mean. Sometimes it's not even that, it's just the way I say things in normal situations.

The worst thing is that I know that inside, I'm a nice person. It is not in my nature to cause deliberate harm to anyone. So it just seems very frustrating that most people can't see this and think I'm some kind of psycho.