Do you get blamed a lot for things you havent done?

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alana
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13 Apr 2010, 8:59 pm

crocus wrote:
Anastasia wrote:
If its not something happening in real life even online without even telling anyone I have AS I always seem to get blamed for things I havent done and its usually by someone I'm trying to be supportive and helpful to! Theres just no end to any of this, is there?

and why do I always seem to get mixed up with people who are just,, well, unusual????


My working theory is that NTs, especially the particularly deceptive ones and the ones who like to blame everyone else, can naturally tell and pick out those who don't have the deception gene (ie. Autism Spectrum and Aspies). It's like they know the perfect scapegoat. Another thing is that if you lack social skills and have no support network, who are you gonna get to back you up when you're blamed for something you didn't do? No one. HA!

My answer to that BS is no more indiscriminate niceness from me and listening to my gut when it's telling me to be wary.


god that is brilliant, the deceivers can tell who can't deceive. also v. true and extremely relevant about the support network. I never wanted or needed one, and I can really tell sometimes why people suck up to each other simply for the necessity of having a back up when they need it. another reason that has hurt me is I act 'guilty' by cultural standards. I don't maintain eye contact, I look down, I occasionally stutter and show anxiety when I speak, my voice is faint sometimes, I'm, heaven forbid, a *loner*, etc, etc, etc. And I learned the hard way that when people accuse you of stuff if you go to a lengthy explanation of why you are not guilty, in the NT world that means you're guilty. In the NT world, if you defend yourself, you are guilty. In the NT world, if you show emotion because you are hurt by a false accusation, you are guilty. In the NT world the most illogical thing of all is the right choice: when someone accuses you of something you are to have *no* emotional reaction whatsoever and continue about your business without a hitch or even a blink. It's almost like you are supposed to react as if it never happened. This means you are innocent. In other words the more sociopathic you act, the better. The more authentically human and genuinely concerned you are, the worse for you.



crocus
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13 Apr 2010, 10:20 pm

: :) hi alana - your post made me think of another thing that NTs do to protect their asses and it's something that I think is probably almost universal among Aspies that we don't do and that is participate in workplace politics.

There is a definite self protective strategy that goes on with socializing with the intent to form allies that I have never participated in. I have never, in the past, found a reason to socialize or form connections or allies with co-workers unless I really, really want to befriend them and that is rare. I just don't do the social grease schmooze thing. I've always felt it superfluous, fake, and a waste of my time, not to mention, most people plain annoy me after about 10 minutes (slight exageration but not by much :P).

The thing about it is, that I didn't realize until recently that there is more going on than mere social chit chat, gossip, spice parties and hockey pools. I mean I did realize it, but I didn't give it enough credence as to how harmful not participating can be. A large part of NT interaction is NOT above board, straight forward, and naively honest to a fault. That is how they get ahead. And part of that, is making sure you have your ass covered and find somewhere to pass the buck if you screw up or worse do something wrong, illegal or immoral to further yourself. Who are you going to blame if it comes to that? Well, the only one to blame is the person who doesn't play the game that way. Don't even ask me how many times that s**t has happened to me while I'm incredulously going WTF??? Because I'm so damn honest.



riverspark
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14 Apr 2010, 2:30 am

Wow. So much has already been perfectly described by other posters that I can't even quote them all here.

All I want to add is that I have been so severely scarred by vicious accusations of things I didn't do that it interferes with my functioning in nearly every part of my life 24/7.



alana
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14 Apr 2010, 2:49 am

crocus wrote:
: :) hi alana - your post made me think of another thing that NTs do to protect their asses and it's something that I think is probably almost universal among Aspies that we don't do and that is participate in workplace politics.

There is a definite self protective strategy that goes on with socializing with the intent to form allies that I have never participated in. I have never, in the past, found a reason to socialize or form connections or allies with co-workers unless I really, really want to befriend them and that is rare. I just don't do the social grease schmooze thing. I've always felt it superfluous, fake, and a waste of my time, not to mention, most people plain annoy me after about 10 minutes (slight exageration but not by much :P).

The thing about it is, that I didn't realize until recently that there is more going on than mere social chit chat, gossip, spice parties and hockey pools. I mean I did realize it, but I didn't give it enough credence as to how harmful not participating can be. A large part of NT interaction is NOT above board, straight forward, and naively honest to a fault. That is how they get ahead. And part of that, is making sure you have your ass covered and find somewhere to pass the buck if you screw up or worse do something wrong, illegal or immoral to further yourself. Who are you going to blame if it comes to that? Well, the only one to blame is the person who doesn't play the game that way. Don't even ask me how many times that sh** has happened to me while I'm incredulously going WTF??? Because I'm so damn honest.


all so very, very true. workplace politics are the reason that I am so under-employed. I clean buildings. I don't have co-workers. I can't do them, the politics. They just murder me and take away my quality of life when I am not at work. I have been cleaning buildings for almost 7 years. I know it won't last forever, but it's nice to have peace of mind. I know what you mean about getting blamed. And then the psycho's who really did whatever but blamed you know to act all sociopathic meanwhile you are (understandibly) freaking the f*ck out about what is going on, so by NT standards they are judged sane and you are the guilty party. It's beyond bizarre. I am sorry it happened to you but glad that you related your experience because it is nice someone understands and has similar experiences.



alana
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14 Apr 2010, 2:51 am

riverspark wrote:
Wow. So much has already been perfectly described by other posters that I can't even quote them all here.

All I want to add is that I have been so severely scarred by vicious accusations of things I didn't do that it interferes with my functioning in nearly every part of my life 24/7.


Hugs, riverspark. I can completely understand where you are coming from on this. I went through a painful experience in 2006 and it affected every part of my life. I know where you are coming from, definitely.



Anastasia
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14 Apr 2010, 3:01 am

I can also relate to the coworkers part. I had to put up with the b*****s from hell, being lied about, sniggered at, ignored, excluded, made fun of, you name it, I had to deal with it.


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crocus
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14 Apr 2010, 3:25 am

Anastasia wrote:
I can also relate to the coworkers part. I had to put up with the b*****s from hell, being lied about, sniggered at, ignored, excluded, made fun of, you name it, I had to deal with it.


Been there. Burned the t-shirt. I will NEVER work in an all female environment. EVER. Not that men can't be full of Machiavellian subterfuge, because they sure can, but I just get men more than I do women and their idiotic games.



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14 Apr 2010, 4:12 am

The thing is that it was my worse Grade School enemy who did that to me.


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riverspark
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14 Apr 2010, 9:01 am

alana wrote:
riverspark wrote:
Wow. So much has already been perfectly described by other posters that I can't even quote them all here.

All I want to add is that I have been so severely scarred by vicious accusations of things I didn't do that it interferes with my functioning in nearly every part of my life 24/7.


Hugs, riverspark. I can completely understand where you are coming from on this. I went through a painful experience in 2006 and it affected every part of my life. I know where you are coming from, definitely.


Thank you so much, Alana, and hugs back at you. I hope we can both heal somewhat as time goes on.



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14 Apr 2010, 9:56 am

Yeah, by family and others.

Doing that gets them yelled at for making the accusation. And I ask this question, "What kinda' FOOL do you TAKE me for?" (never getting an answer, of course). If the person is not family, they might get cussed out.

I once got accused of attacking a female co-worker simply because she described the attacker as someone who wore glasses and the supervisor automatically thought it was me. the bastard even went so far as to tell me that he knew that I was the only one who could've done something that heinous.

Long story short...he found out that someone else had done it after telling me that I was fired - a guy who wore glasses occasionally and worked in my department. He called me to tell that I should report to work and I went completely OFF on him saying that I was gonna SUE his arse and get HIM fired!

After slamming the phone in his ear, I immediately called a lawyer. But he said that because it was only one day and there were no wages lost, I would have no case.

I did go back to work, however, and issue a stern warning that if it ever happened again that he and the co-manager had BETTER have an air-tight case or else I would see them in court. At first, the co-manager tried to say that he'd do it all the same way if it did happen again. But he shut the hell up when I mentioned court and lawyers and litigation.

After that, never had another problem out of either one of them.



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14 Apr 2010, 10:50 am

I haven't had that problem much with the general population, though a previous wife of mine made up for that. According to her:

I tried to stop her getting a job because I was possessive. (true, I wasn't over-enthusiastic about it, because I think the world of work sucks, but it was no big issue with me)

I had an affair (actually it was her who had an affair, I just got myself another partner a few months after she did, but she switched the dates round)

When our son went missing, she told me (and the police) that I'd kidnapped him. 8O (when the truth came out and we'd found him, I put it to her that she was by habit rather too swift to blame me for stuff I hadn't done, but she showed no remorse.

While I was telling her the truth about something she didn't want to hear, she called me a "f*cking liar" (strange, I always thought my problem with truth was that I tend to go and blurt it out when it's inappropriate)

My mum used to blame me a lot for stuff I hadn't done too, and for stuff that I wasn't really responsible for - like when I was about 3 years old, I was talking to her while she was cooking and she burnt herself - she bawled me out for that and was clearly of the opinion that it was all my fault. She was somewhat paranoid, and would regularly tell me that I'd never be able to conceal any of my wrongdoings from her because she was too vigilant....Big Mother is watching you :roll:



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14 Apr 2010, 10:53 am

riverspark wrote:
Wow. So much has already been perfectly described by other posters that I can't even quote them all here.

All I want to add is that I have been so severely scarred by vicious accusations of things I didn't do that it interferes with my functioning in nearly every part of my life 24/7.


Same here! One particularly traumatic case, was my last job in health care. My co-workers, for reasons that completely escaped me, got together behind my back and fabricated a story about my injuring a patient while doing his treatment. The patient, a head trauma victim, injured himself directly after his treatment with me, by growing frustrated and banging his hand repeatedly on a glass showcase in the lobby of the nursing home. Although I reported this to the nursing station, the next day, I was confronted about the injury, and dismissed! I realized that some sad, sick NT game was being played that I had never had the rules to, and that I was powerless to fight back, if three or more co-workers stuck together in their delusion. To this day, the pain of that incident is still with me.

Poopylungstuffing, your story about the stuffed iguana toy rang all to true with me, as well. It reminded me of still another incident where I had just moved into a new intentional community. A strange woman showed up about a month after I had moved in, and seemed to be accusing me of entertaining someone's boyfriend. She acted as though I ought to let her in, to search my house, on the spot. Although I assured her that I didn't know her, or this guy she sought, she seemed hostile and suspicious. Worse, for months after that, other neighbors whom I had not even met, would give me dirty looks and act in an unfriendly fashion. I strongly suspected that she was going about and saying things about me that were untrue. I was at a complete loss as to what I could possibly have done to earn this treatment. A good friend assured me that if I simply continued being myself, that she would eventually look like a fool. The outrage and hurt from her trouble making still haunts me today. It frightened me, that an NT could make so much trouble for me in a new neighborhood, just by lying and being instantly believed by the other neighbors. I was so glad when she finally moved away.


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alana
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14 Apr 2010, 11:48 am

hartzofspace wrote:
Poopylungstuffing, your story about the stuffed iguana toy rang all to true with me, as well. It reminded me of still another incident where I had just moved into a new intentional community. A strange woman showed up about a month after I had moved in, and seemed to be accusing me of entertaining someone's boyfriend. She acted as though I ought to let her in, to search my house, on the spot. Although I assured her that I didn't know her, or this guy she sought, she seemed hostile and suspicious. Worse, for months after that, other neighbors whom I had not even met, would give me dirty looks and act in an unfriendly fashion. I strongly suspected that she was going about and saying things about me that were untrue. I was at a complete loss as to what I could possibly have done to earn this treatment. A good friend assured me that if I simply continued being myself, that she would eventually look like a fool. The outrage and hurt from her trouble making still haunts me today. It frightened me, that an NT could make so much trouble for me in a new neighborhood, just by lying and being instantly believed by the other neighbors. I was so glad when she finally moved away.


stuff like this is why I have such an aversion towards borderlines. This is typical borderline vs. aspie shenanigans, it has happened to me so much in my life. Borderlines/sociopaths know that people will identify with a victim because of their own experiences of victimization, and that the easiest person to scapegoat is one who has no social bonds. We don't have alot of social bonds...alot of aspies want them and some of us don't, I tend not to except for desiring a romantic partner, so alot of times we are targets for borderline behavior. I have noticed that NT may not all be personality disordered but they make very very good minions for sociopathic behavior like this. And we have such trouble comprehending the behavior because we can't understand deceit to this degree, the motives are unfathomable. If so many of us have trouble with this stuff it makes me wonder if anyone has ever addressed it in any of the AS books.



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14 Apr 2010, 12:23 pm

In Year 3 this girl told the teacher (who was also her mum) that I had tried to strangle her. I hadn't been near her. I was really upset and confused about why she thought I'd done this when I hadn't. The teacher told me off and when I said I hadn't done it, she was like, "Are you calling my daughter a liar?" all accusingly, and I said no, and that she probably made a mistake. This sounded like a lame excuse or something, I guess, but it was my actual conclusion about what must have caused the incident. For years I genuinely believed she must have made a mistake of some kind, maybe it was someone who looked a bit like me, or she momentarily went crazy and had this untruth planted in her head, anything like that. Just recently it's become obvious that she was probably just lying out of pure spite. At the time I simply couldn't believe that anyone would be that horrible for no reason, as I'd never even done anything to upset her or anything.


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14 Apr 2010, 1:49 pm

People have levied a number of false accusations my way. As damaging and hurtful as that is, most people don't seem to care. The worst part is if you tell somebody later down the road about what they did, they tend to believe right off the bat that there was a good reason behind the accusations, just causing further harm.

And so, in cases like mine, my big secrets are all things people have done to me in the past. I don't want to be judged by the way other people have mistreated me, so I keep quiet about it.


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14 Apr 2010, 1:56 pm

CerebralDreamer wrote:
People have levied a number of false accusations my way. As damaging and hurtful as that is, most people don't seem to care. The worst part is if you tell somebody later down the road about what they did, they tend to believe right off the bat that there was a good reason behind the accusations, just causing further harm.

And so, in cases like mine, my big secrets are all things people have done to me in the past. I don't want to be judged by the way other people have mistreated me, so I keep quiet about it.


You are right! In the incident cited above, I instinctively knew that if I contacted the manager here, and complained, or even got upset and defended myself to this stupid woman, that somehow I would be playing into her deranged reality. Besides, what would I say? So, after I stated that I was new to the area, and not yet acquainted with my neighbors, she looked confused, and just stood there for a moment. I told her it had been nice meeting her, and then shut the door. I was so glad not to have given her any emotional satisfaction.


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