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jc6chan
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04 May 2010, 5:54 pm

DonkeyBuster wrote:
ruminating over the month's old loss of someone I thought was a friend but who turned out to just being nice and finally got fed up with me (sound familiar?),

*Gasp* That sucks :( Especially if he actually told you straight up that he is fed up with you. Or did he just show it in a nonverbal way?

I think I had people show me in a nonverbal way that they don't want to be my friend but only once someone told me straight up "we're not friends anymore." I think he was in special ed or something so I'm not too sad about it (its good to know that a normal kid didn't do this to me). Besides, I think a month later he "declared that we were friends again" which was weird.



DonkeyBuster
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04 May 2010, 6:01 pm

jc6chan wrote:
DonkeyBuster wrote:
ruminating over the month's old loss of someone I thought was a friend but who turned out to just being nice and finally got fed up with me (sound familiar?),

*Gasp* That sucks :( Especially if he actually told you straight up that he is fed up with you. Or did he just show it in a nonverbal way?

I think I had people show me in a nonverbal way that they don't want to be my friend but only once someone told me straight up "we're not friends anymore." I think he was in special ed or something so I'm not too sad about it (its good to know that a normal kid didn't do this to me). Besides, I think a month later he "declared that we were friends again" which was weird.


How about "We can't do things together." and "You want too much." Oh, and "I'm not someone you can depend or rely on." Yeah, it really, really sucks.

Maybe your 'hot and cold' friend just gets peopled out too, but isn't fully conscious of his own patterns yet?



beejay
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05 May 2010, 12:16 am

That is exactly how I feel: people suck, but yet I'm incredibly lonely.


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05 May 2010, 12:17 am

beejay wrote:
That is exactly how I feel: people suck, but yet I'm incredibly lonely.


yep... in general they are so high maintenance and exhausting to keep up with... but, I have this weird "craving" almost to have them around


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05 May 2010, 9:34 am

Completely against my usual habits, I've been out with people every day for the last 3 days and I'll be out with people for the next 3.....small numbers of relatively orderly, familiar people...common purpose = music....fixed start and end times....familiar places and roles. All's going well as far as I can see, but I still feel lonely AND peopled out at the same time. The carefully-controlled conditions are keeping my stress levels down nicely, but I ache to get on with my own stuff (6 days without much space to myself isn't going to be easy). Even so, I find my relationships with all these people nice but still somehow unfulfilling :? I guess I'm just not relaxed enough, and though I can keep the mask on convincingly enough to get me through these evenings, and seem to be doing most of the right things, there's still a huge gulf between me and them somehow.

Wouldn't it be great to have a switch on social stuff, so that when you were ready for people you could just flip the switch, and then when you'd had enough you could just flip it back, with nobody being any the wiser?



DonkeyBuster
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05 May 2010, 9:58 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
... Even so, I find my relationships with all these people nice but still somehow unfulfilling :? I guess I'm just not relaxed enough, and though I can keep the mask on convincingly enough to get me through these evenings, and seem to be doing most of the right things, there's still a huge gulf between me and them somehow.



Yeah, even when I can stand to be around others, though they're nice folks, and things are going smoothly, I'm accepted as I am, there's still the sense of a glass wall or something... a barrier I/they can't get through.

But right now, it's more like 'Oh, go away and leave me alone {{sigh}}'
Just the sight of another human being wears me out.



S-P-M-E
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05 May 2010, 7:22 pm

DonkeyBuster wrote:
... wishing I had community and friendship...

but the idea of being around people, having to interact with them, and sort through enough to maybe find some folks who like me just gives me the shudders...


I get frustrated and bummed out rather than shudders per se, but other than that I'm right with you.

I just want someone to TALK to occasionally, not to blab all the time with, just someone who knows me well enough and has enough interest in me that if something especially good or bad happens I could call and tell them and they'd be a willing participant, and maybe we'd talk once a week or so other than that just to maintain the relationship.

But how to turn strangers into such people? Even ignoring my Aspie-ism, I'm a middle-aged woman who's married but childless, and that apparently disqualifies me from friendship with that huge majority of folks in my age range who are parents and/or single. I'm utterly uninvolved with pop culture (because I can't stand it), so that makes it hard to find anything other than the weather to start talking to people about. I naturally have my areas of intense interest, but of course no one around me shares them or wants to hear about them.

Still, I'm outgoing and sociable and do manage to talk to people, and I can often draw them in, at least for a while, because I'm a pretty good storyteller, but I'm "off" enough that it's rare that anyone wants to take it further, and my attempts to instigate that usually fail.

I'm a nice person, a good conversationalist, and a loyal and devoted friend to those few I have (sadly all but 1 of whom no longer live in my city, and that 1 is absorbed with dealing with a health-impaired parent). Is anyone besides me aggravated at how even the most worthless and badly-behaved NT's always have plenty of friends, when so many of us struggle and fail as often as not?


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05 May 2010, 7:40 pm

DonkeyBuster wrote:
there's still the sense of a glass wall or something... a barrier I/they can't get through.


ugh, yes. sometimes i get very lonely, but spending time with other people doesn't put a dent in it. i either get frustrated because i can't relate (or worse: envious of their ability to connect with one another) or exhausted. there is a fine line for me between too little contact with other people and too much.

i'm no good when not absorbed in a project. when i am, i don't really think about it.


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PunkyKat
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05 May 2010, 7:48 pm

That's what pets and animals are for.


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DonkeyBuster
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06 May 2010, 9:13 am

S-P-M-E wrote:
I just want someone to TALK to occasionally, not to blab all the time with, just someone who knows me well enough and has enough interest in me that if something especially good or bad happens I could call and tell them and they'd be a willing participant, and maybe we'd talk once a week or so other than that just to maintain the relationship.


We're like twin sisters from different cul de sacs! And then what happens is I hit an a-social phase and drop them, or they get busy with their (more rewarding) NT friends and I'm left out.

S-P-M-E]But how to turn strangers into such people? Even ignoring my Aspie-ism, I'm a middle-aged woman who's married but childless, and that apparently disqualifies me from friendship with that huge majority of folks in my age range who are parents and/or single. I'm utterly uninvolved with pop culture (because I can't stand it), so that makes it hard to find anything other than the weather to start talking to people about. I naturally have my areas of intense interest, but of course no one around me shares them or wants to hear about them.[/quote]

Yes, exactly... the advice to join a group concerning one's special interest? Mine is Buddhism, and I live in a small town... there are 3 other Buddhists and I can't stand them! And it's an exquisite kind of torture sitting and listening to people endlessly talk about their kids... their adult kids and now their g'kids.

[quote="S-P-M-E wrote:
Still, I'm outgoing and sociable and do manage to talk to people, and I can often draw them in, at least for a while, because I'm a pretty good storyteller, but I'm "off" enough that it's rare that anyone wants to take it further, and my attempts to instigate that usually fail.


Similar... what happens is I'm so darn amusing folks expect me to be funny & engaging everytime they run into me, and...well, we know that's never going to happen. If they catch me on a ruminative day, they'll get a bad replay of the small talk script. Very bad.

S-P-M-E wrote:
Is anyone besides me aggravated at how even the most worthless and badly-behaved NT's always have plenty of friends, when so many of us struggle and fail as often as not?


Absolutely aggravated, frustrated, and bewildered. And after 50+ years on this planet, I'm getting seriously worn out by trying...



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06 May 2010, 10:30 am

DonkeyBuster wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
... Even so, I find my relationships with all these people nice but still somehow unfulfilling :? I guess I'm just not relaxed enough, and though I can keep the mask on convincingly enough to get me through these evenings, and seem to be doing most of the right things, there's still a huge gulf between me and them somehow.



Yeah, even when I can stand to be around others, though they're nice folks, and things are going smoothly, I'm accepted as I am, there's still the sense of a glass wall or something... a barrier I/they can't get through.

But right now, it's more like 'Oh, go away and leave me alone {{sigh}}'
Just the sight of another human being wears me out.


Glass wall.....that's how it feels, yes. Apart from one or two very close relationships, and during the romantic phase of most new relationships, it's been like that pretty much all the time for me. :( People just don't seem very intimate - I don't mean sexually......I guess it's just that I don't divine much about their feelings so I'm shut out of a lot of the warmth. But I've got a strong suspicion that most people are poor at that too, Aspie or not. The whole structure of society seems cold. Too competitive and mercenary I suppose. When I see it, I feel like I'm the only one left who sees the importance of being human, like I'm surrounded by sad robots and slaves who can't remember the child in themselves.



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06 May 2010, 10:42 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
Glass wall.....that's how it feels, yes. Apart from one or two very close relationships, and during the romantic phase of most new relationships, it's been like that pretty much all the time for me. :( People just don't seem very intimate - I don't mean sexually......I guess it's just that I don't divine much about their feelings so I'm shut out of a lot of the warmth.


Yes, I've been thinking the same thing... even when we are connected, due to our neurology we don't feel it because of the lack of ability to receive supporting non-verbals. On rare ocassions I have had the experience where someone was strongly attracted to me and I was completely unaware because they'd never SAID anything... their shyness or reticence lead me to believe that they didn't want me around. Others have told me "Hey, how come you iced so-and-so? They really like you."

Quote:
But I've got a strong suspicion that most people are poor at that too, Aspie or not. The whole structure of society seems cold. Too competitive and mercenary I suppose. When I see it, I feel like I'm the only one left who sees the importance of being human, like I'm surrounded by sad robots and slaves who can't remember the child in themselves.


To some extent I agree, but it's quite clear that what we consider empty, meaningless, pointless chit-chat is actually an important form of intimacy for NTs. They're 'bonding' at a level we don't have neurological access to, exchanging all sorts of info non-verbally.

Sucks, really.



b9
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06 May 2010, 12:21 pm

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Lonely, but peopled out

i am not lonely enough because i am all peopled out.

there are to too many people about. they are in plague proportions. i want to be alone.

i was bothered by people all blasted day, and i just wanted to be alone.
i can not understand why it is necessary for me to interact with people when i try to keep to myself.
the phone rang so many times and when i answered it, people started talking to me, so i eventually pulled the phone out of the wall. then my mobile started ringing and there were also people talking through it so i switched it off too. then i got a knock on my door and i was stuck with company for 15 minutes until she got offended after i said that i was tired of talking and i told her to go home.

people are like mosquitoes that are trying to suck my blood (attention) and they hover around uninvited, and they land on me even though i try to wave them away.

anyway i am going to sleep now because this post is probably rather severely unconventional and not in the spirit of the thread.



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06 May 2010, 12:48 pm

b9 wrote:
people are like mosquitoes that are trying to suck my blood (attention) and they hover around uninvited, and they land on me even though i try to wave them away.

anyway i am going to sleep now because this post is probably rather severely unconventional and not in the spirit of the thread.


Ooo, sounds like cave time...
you're half on topic and that's close enough.
Rest well. 8)



TiredGeek
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06 May 2010, 4:43 pm

I used to have a couple really close friends in college but now the only person I can really relax around is my husband. There seems to be some threshold that I can't quite cross in order to make my current friendships into something closer and more meaningful. Be it a certain amount of non-verbal communication that gets through, a certain amount of drama endured together, or an amount of time socializing in one weekend that is beyond what I can do. Peopled out - perfect way to describe it!

And then there are those...I actually have one self-described Aspie friend in town. I found out by accident and it's our little secret. We have a few things in common which is how we met in the first place, but our overall lifestyles are really opposite. We only see each other when we're in a group, so we don't even talk about it. Once in a while we'll email each other about an interesting ASD-related book or article though.



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07 May 2010, 5:04 am

DonkeyBuster wrote:
even when we are connected, due to our neurology we don't feel it because of the lack of ability to receive supporting non-verbals. On rare ocassions I have had the experience where someone was strongly attracted to me and I was completely unaware because they'd never SAID anything... their shyness or reticence lead me to believe that they didn't want me around. Others have told me "Hey, how come you iced so-and-so? They really like you."

Come to think of it, I've hardly ever known that anybody liked me. I have to infer it from the evidence, and of course there's always doubt if you do it that way. And I don't want to get all misogynist but this common "test of commitment" game that quite a lot of women play really doesn't help......fancying you like crazy but acting for all the world like they don't.