Asperger Syndrome & secretly desire affection

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Ofaelan
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09 May 2010, 2:08 am

nick007 wrote:
I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched & most people who know me offline would say I'm anti-touch & anti-affection. Thing is I secretly have a very strong desire for affection but only from someone who I would feel very close & comfortable with. I also think I would sleep much better if I was with someone but I'm NOT close or comfortable with anyone & I think that the only way I could ever get to that point would be if I was in a serious romantic relationship with someone. I spend quite a lot of time thinking about this & it seems kind of like some fantasy obsession for me. I'm wondering if I wer to meet someone & feel close comfortable with her; would I actually like the hugging, cuddling, kissing, massaging ect that I fantasize about or is this an obsession that I would not enjoy :?


I had little to no physical affection or positive physical contact with other people through elementary school ... though I was physically (not sexually) abused by both parents, and largely ostracized by peers. I feel that I learned (healthy) affection when I went to a distant boarding high school (all-boys) run by an Italian-rooted order of Catholic priests and brothers, and liked it, appreciated it. (Italians, according to the stereotype, are "tactile," the word applied to little Leo Buscaglia in 1st grade!) Probably with that boost, I slipped right into dating once I was in a co-ed environment again, in college/university. But I found myself dating only really special women, not at all "playing the field," but cultivating these deep 'friendship-romances,' where affection seemed completely in order. A very light touch drives me nuts, feels only like itching that I need to scratch, but "meaningful" affection I enjoy giving and receiving, usually not from strangers though -- although my last hug was a few years ago in the middle of the night at a convenience store when a well-dressed, attractive, probably-drunk young woman (the bars had just closed) walked up to me out of the blue, hugged me, and shouted "Happy New Year!" (It was March!) That's not how I become involved with women, so I don't know what she was about, but I appreciated it anyway!!

As regards sleep, lately I find I often sleep better while holding a spare pillow against my abdomen. Along those lines I've noticed they're now selling "body pillows," thick and several feet long. I imagine they might be good for wrapping arms and/or legs around in the absence of comfort doing so with a beloved. (I'm not married at present, and physical health issues have kept me out of dating circulation for years.)

I say all this, I guess, to suggest that if you're like me at all, you might indeed appreciate/enjoy affection from someone you feel comfortable receiving it from and/or giving it to, though maybe not "just anybody" ... but that's OK. IOTM that if this other person is aware that you're on the Spectrum and therefore might be particular -- for physical/neurological reasons having nothing at all to do with them -- about how you receive, or give, affection, when, under what circumstances, or whatever ... even that you're not sure at this point what you might like or tolerate (physically/neurologically) in this regard ... maybe the two of you might be able to work it out through patience, trial-and-error, a sense of humor, etc. It might even be a bonding experience in itself! Or, you might find after trying it that it's not for you, but then you'd know instead of just wondering. But my advice would be to start slow, not jump in the sack right away just to try to figure this out -- There's alot of affection between "Hi" and "How do you like your eggs in the morning"!

--Pete



auntblabby
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09 May 2010, 2:27 am

IdahoRose wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
i am hugging-deprived :(


Oh auntblabby I'd hug you if I could. :)


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< :D HUG!! ! 8) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

thanx, i needed that :)



nick007
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09 May 2010, 4:35 am

Kiro wrote:
EDIT : after reading the message from Willard about having sex, I'm wondering : Nick, did you ever had a girlfriend (sorry if that's disrespectful :(), and if yes, how did you behave ?
The only time I was in a bed with a girl, we were both drunk and wel... I was VERY "touchy", and she was too ;) Which is weird, and that day I understood why people like being drunk :)


I'm NOT talking about a sexual thing here but in answer to this question; I had a mostly internet thing years ago but that was it. I never slept with anyone or had sex. Before that I never even thought about affection stuff but those feelings got stirred up during that. We weren't together offline much at all due to distance & she was busy with school but I kept thinking about affection stuff & talking about stuff with her that was so embarrassingly cute; most people would be sick :oops: I started having those sleeping issues then to. It's like a switch got flipped in my brain & never got turned back.
I do have two pillows on my bed but the 2nd one is useless to me but the full body one mite be worth a try. I toss & turn a lot


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LipstickKiller
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09 May 2010, 8:02 am

I've always tolerated touch but never enjoyed it except for my parents when I was very little, (hugging, hand-holding), some friends growing up (sitting close together, walking arm-in-arm) and in romantic relationships (where it's like all boundaries are gone and pretty much anything is enjoyable). I don't like casual touching from people. I don't like shaking hands. I don't even like going to get my hair cut. It's all equal to going to the Ob-GYN as far as I'm concerned. I tolerate it because I know it has to be done. I don't even like sitting close to people I'm not physically attracted to. I find most people smelly and just a bit distasteful. Once I get to know someone though, they're suddenly more attractive to me.

The big exception is my kids. They can touch me all they want, as long as they keep their feet off me. No hitting of course. But they came from my body and I've had them close to me ever since, so I feel like they're not entirely "other people". Somehow they're still connected to me physically. I can't explain it any better.

I do long for affection though, but I don't know how to ellicit it from my spouse. Sometimes I'll just ask, but now that the lovey-dovey phase is over, it's difficult for me to give and receive affection in a way that feels natural. I still like any touching we do though.

I guess when you have children and when you fall in love you experience hormone rushes that give you a biological boost that helps you act more "natural" and less calculated, even if you're autistic...



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09 May 2010, 11:59 am

Ofaelan wrote:
a few years ago in the middle of the night at a convenience store when a well-dressed, attractive, probably-drunk young woman (the bars had just closed) walked up to me out of the blue, hugged me, and shouted "Happy New Year!" (It was March!)


8O :lol:

That is an awesome story.


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09 May 2010, 4:56 pm

nick007 wrote:
I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched & most people who know me offline would say I'm anti-touch & anti-affection. Thing is I secretly have a very strong desire for affection but only from someone who I would feel very close & comfortable with.


+1

I don't think people with AS don't want affection or hate being touched. Rather, it's hard for us to process certain things.

I can imagine how wonderful it would be to receive affection from someone and to have real physical intimacy, but it takes a lot for me to come to grips with those sensations when it has the potential of happening in reality, and I'm sure that comes across as being uncomfortable or disinterested when the opportunity for such comes about.



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11 May 2010, 12:10 am

I feel the exact same way! I am definitely not touchy-feely, BUT I have this overwhelming need for affection, especially from my boyfriend now. I love when we just sit on the couch and cuddle and he strokes my hair, and my arms and kisses my forehead....just little sweet things like that....I kind of just sit there taking it all in, and feeling so blissful. I love it. But it's so weird I don't like affection from my own mother or grandparents....only my dad and my boyfriend! Anyone else think it's weird? Maybe it's just me...I'm weird. lol. =\



nick007
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11 May 2010, 12:27 am

Penandinkmarie wrote:
I feel the exact same way! I am definitely not touchy-feely, BUT I have this overwhelming need for affection, especially from my boyfriend now. I love when we just sit on the couch and cuddle and he strokes my hair, and my arms and kisses my forehead....just little sweet things like that....I kind of just sit there taking it all in, and feeling so blissful. I love it. But it's so weird I don't like affection from my own mother or grandparents....only my dad and my boyfriend! Anyone else think it's weird? Maybe it's just me...I'm weird. lol. =\


I don't think it's weird but I'm jealous :x After reading these responses I'm thinking it's NOT that Aspies do not want affection bur rather they don't feel comfortable or know how to express/initiate desire for affection...or something like that :?

BTW I also heard that a lot of Autistics NOT Aspies are into hugs & stuff. Is that another misconception :?:


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11 May 2010, 12:31 pm

I like touch but only when I'm expecting it. If my hubby or kids come up from behind and touch me, I jump because I can't anticipate it. But if I see it coming, it's all good. There are times though when I've had so much physical contact from the kids and my husband that at the end of the day I will literally tell them, "please don't touch me, I've had enough" because my touch limit's been reached. That doesn't happen often though it does occur from time to time.

Strangers are never allowed to touch me, not even to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention. That's one of the benefits of knowing martial arts...if I see a stranger getting ready to reach out for me I can usually block them, lol.



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12 May 2010, 3:19 pm

I just rescently started telling people who offer their hand so I can shake it "no thank you, I have Aspergers and do not like being touched." I also do it for fist bumps and high fives. I figure aspergers has been in the news a lot lately so they might understand. If they get bitchy about I just tell them I am not going to make myself uncomfortable so you can feel ACCEPTED. If they do not like that response we can step outside. :evil:

In October I will be finishing my job training and will be searching for a new job. You know what that means, faked eye contact and forced hand shakes. How wonderful/ 8O



zer0netgain
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13 May 2010, 6:09 am

Penandinkmarie wrote:
But it's so weird I don't like affection from my own mother or grandparents....only my dad and my boyfriend! Anyone else think it's weird? Maybe it's just me...I'm weird. lol. =\


My guess is that you CHOOSE your boyfriend. You are born into your family. People think there should be natural affection for blood relations, but I think that's bunk.



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13 May 2010, 7:39 am

zer0netgain wrote:
Penandinkmarie wrote:
But it's so weird I don't like affection from my own mother or grandparents....only my dad and my boyfriend! Anyone else think it's weird? Maybe it's just me...I'm weird. lol. =\


My guess is that you CHOOSE your boyfriend. You are born into your family. People think there should be natural affection for blood relations, but I think that's bunk.


Good point!


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29 Nov 2012, 1:02 am

i know that this is very late reply but if i may say me personally i dont mind it so much just as long if isnt like jokeing around cosntantly to much because i have a lot of friends at school who will try to smack my butt or try to do something else really annoying where it gets to the point where i want to punch the in the face other that that i would like to cuddle or kiss on a girl or something AND I DONT MIND THE OCCAINSAL slap on the bottom as long as they dont beat a dead horse
sorry for typos



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29 Nov 2012, 2:30 am

I don't know what it is, I feel extremely uncomfortable when people touch me, as in a hand on the shoulder etc.. I have no idea what to do! I just sit there, I stop talking and stop moving etc. Until they stop... Then they look at me weird, and continue as if nothing happened...
I have the same with people I know, I have it with my mom... My mom loved to hug me etc, I would really want to, but I cant do it for longer then a few seconds.. I start to feel really weird!

My boyfriend is a bit different. I can hug him, but not too long... he sometimes holds me long on purpose, then I wiggle because I want to get away... Feel very bad!

When we sleep however, I do need to touch him, lie against him. to make sure I'm not alone... It all gets so messed up!



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29 Nov 2012, 3:17 am

nick007 wrote:
I think most people with AS do not like affection or being touched & most people who know me offline would say I'm anti-touch & anti-affection. Thing is I secretly have a very strong desire for affection


i am not programmed for affection.
if anyone approaches me without a calculable reason, they face the peril of electrocution.



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29 Nov 2012, 4:58 am

I wouldn't say that's too uncommon - I don't like to be touched by people I don't know particularly well, but love nothing more than a cuddle from my children or my husband..


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