Resisting advice and the "You need to..." lines
However, if said person tryoing to tell me what
to do should pay me a handsome sum of money
in the real m of anywhere from $20.oo USD to
$20,000.00 USD depend on what it is to do, it should
make it easier for me to do, fuel prices, taxi fares,
cost of doing something, etc.
_________________
A Boy And His Cat
When society stops expecting
too much from me, I will
stop disappointing them.
thechadmaster
Veteran
Joined: 13 Feb 2005
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,126
Location: On The Road...Somewhere
I become even more uncooperative if a person tells me "You are not to" do something. In fact, if a person uses that phrase, I will be likely to do exactly whatever they are telling me not to do.
They do not determine what I am *to do*; they don't determine or choose my purpose and I definitely don't need them to explain my own purpose to me.
I couldn't agree more, I am exactly the same way, always have been. That trait has gotten me fired from more than a few jobs, and caused many problems with my father who always expected me to obey him without question.
_________________
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
- Jimi Hendrix
Welcome to the rest of my life.
I had a similar story regarding Halloween in school. It was REQUIRED that we dress up. I didn't understand this because why would I want to be someone, or something else when I am Aaron? I didn't budge and my parents were called when I refused to wear the costume.
I had a total meltdown on picture day when I was 10. They told me to smile, and so I did what I thought was smiling. They kept telling me to smile and I insisted I was already smiling and they insisted I bare my teeth while I smiled and then I just started sobbing and they called my mom and she laughed at them and told them to let me do whatever I wanted in the picture.
The hardest part, for me, with my book was smiling for the picture on the back of the book. Thankfully, my cat, after taking an hour of pictures that I couldn't smile, knocked over a bunch of stuff on my dad's desk and I found it rather funny and right then my photo with a smile happened.
_________________
"Racing is plan A for my life. There is no plan B" My own quote before I started writing.
My blog: http://lifeontheothersideofthewall.blogspot.com
Author of Finding Kansas: Decoding the Enigma of Asperger's Syndrome www.findingkansas.com
You need to be more agreeable guys and gals!
But seriously folks, that phrase irks me something horrible... No i do not NEED to do anything.
If you wish to make it a suggestion... I'll listen, tell me what I NEED to do, and you've just about killed all the credibility you have with me.
The agree to disagree, no, no problem there, I don't see it as an order that i have to disagree.. I just see it as an intellectually lazy person trying to get out of a good conversation... Which is fine by me, because if they use that line, they're not even listening anymore.
I will follow laws, if i have to, when i have to OR when I find them valid. And they are only valid if they are to prevent harm to another directly or indirectly. 90% or more of laws are not for that purpose... They are to control. I won't be controlled.
I think a lot of NT's do like being told what to do... For millennia people have let their fathers, priests, kings, etc tell them what they SHOULD/MUST do/think. It's in the normal person's genes to do what they're told, so that they don't have to think for themselves. Why should plain old run-of-the-mill folk like NT's be any different because they're "modern" than the peon who served a lord in 10th century BCE Rome?
The other issue, is that because our brains are wired differently, we see things in different order, we notice things others don't, and don't notice things that they do. That means that to perform a specific task, that the best way for us to do it, may very well NOT be the best way for another (NT or Aspie) to do it.
I went through childhood doing what i was told to do, because of my fear of controversy, and my much bigger fear of eternity in hell. That obedience bore a horrible cost upon me. Internal conflicts were constant, and I hated who I was, because who I was, was a lie... But "I needed to" do it!
The advice I got as a child for the most part didn't lead me to find the best ways for me to do things... That usually came not even by modification of what i was told to do... it came when i was alone, and out of prying eyes watching me to make sure I behaved, It was when i was able to think for myself how would be the best way to do something. When i figured out for myself what was the best way for me to do it. I always sought the "why" in things, then I work backwards from there. What I see of NT's is that they do things via "conventional wisdom". Are Aspies conventional? No! Then why would conventional wisdom work best for us? It doesn't!
Yes, that describes me. I have this inability to do things just because someone has told me to; combine that with a contrary streak a mile wide, and the best way to prevent me from doing something is to order me to do it.
_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I
I do not have an aversion to advice or suggestions, nor do I have a compulsion to be disagreeable in the fashion stated in the question, however my brother does and he has caused himself a good bit of trouble in life from it.
I could never figure out what his issue with this was. It was impossible to even suggest anything to him at one time.
However, I do get annoyed with people telling me what to do on occasion. Usually this is only when I was aware of the situation and had already figured out a course of action in my mind and they prematurely intruded into that process or have made some assumption that I do not have the capacity to deal with the situation on my own for whatever reason, and I feel they are being condescending in some way.
In which cause I don't do the opposite of what they suggest unless what I was going to do was the opposite to begin with and I did not find their suggestion or declaration well supported.
In most instances I get the impression that they are just trying to give me suggestions as an equal or someone who is concerned however, and I usually consider most suggestions at least.
I am amazed at the response of this and am happy to know I am not the only one to do this.
_________________
"Racing is plan A for my life. There is no plan B" My own quote before I started writing.
My blog: http://lifeontheothersideofthewall.blogspot.com
Author of Finding Kansas: Decoding the Enigma of Asperger's Syndrome www.findingkansas.com
I can't take advice if it's given to me on an industrial scale or if there's any sense of pressure in the way it's given. If somebody says "you might want to try doing X instead of Y" then I'll probably give their idea my best attention, otherwise I tend to switch off. "You need to...." is NOT the best way to start advising me. I prefer an exploratory approach, "look I don't really know the situation but I wonder how it would turn out if you did X?" People can use aggressive advice as a domination tool, or they might use impossible advice to make sure you look like you're being awkward.
I also have this thing where I'm scared to let the other person know I don't like their advice, so if they want to monitor me to see if I've done what they've suggested, I'll just worry and probably still not do what they want me to. But sometimes I've rejected advice without feeling awkward, just by calmly explaining the logistic reason for not doing X.
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