Women who have aspergers: A non-issue for them

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I thought I would always be alone, but I recently had some luck in this area. The woman in question just turned up on my doorstep and asked if I wanted to go round her place for a cup of tea. From there, we had a casual friendship for a couple of years and things eventually developed into a romantic nature.

I think it helps a lot that she is an older woman (13 years older than me) because it means that she isn't interested in clubbing/partying and is able to be more patient with me.

Let's be honest here: the social expectation for women and men are indeed different.

I've known guys going after pretty girls with the most blend and boring personality, while I've got mates who are articulate and nicer looking than I, but couldn't get any dates because they are not the loud type.

Exceptions exist, course. But reality is, there is a generalization, and you're probably living in it. No amount of complaining can change that.

Personally I've decided to focus on my passion instead and try to turn it into a career. I think the joy you'd be getting from the sense of achievement, might make up for the angst from the lack of relationship.

Same for me. Just thinking about those sorts of things really freaks me out!

I'm not hideously ugly or crazy or anything either. People tend to like me. I have no idea what to do with them though and I'm demisexual as well.

Er no. Being an aspie female sucks. Repeat after me: IT SUCKS.

Women on average have ten times the grooming concerns of men. Imagine what this does to aspie women who find the grooming aspects of life way more challenging than NT women do, anyway.

Enough said.

Ummmm, no. I hate to make MORE generalizations, but from what I've heard, Aspie males have an easier time of it than females - in fact, I've read statistics that more Aspie males are married than Aspie females. Girls in general are "supposed to" be the ones that understand the social rules, and initiate stuff; from what I've been told, WE'RE supposed to be the ones that make the first move. I see it all the time, in classes, in the cafeteria, etc. - GIRLS are the ones that start the conversations; GIRLS are the ones that put the moves on guys; GIRLS are the ones that are confident and aggressive (but not too aggressive) enough to start the flirtations - both my mom and my brother (who are more socially adept than me), have said that, when it comes to flirting and stuff, girls do a lot of the work. Guys have more leeway with being awkward, especially if they have qualities that make up for it, like being super smart or nice; girls LOVE guys like that. I am very socially awkward, and I am also considered pretty, but I still have a lot of trouble getting dates, and it is NOT by choice (or for lack of trying). I am very shy, and, as a combination of Asperger's and lack of experience, I have a lot of uncertainties about how to "play" the "dating game". (Not to mention small talk! Which, btw, is also the GIRL'S job to start.) With girls, it's not really about how pretty or talented you are, it's about how well you play the game - and, very often, guys just go along for the ride.




You said it - it's that whole issue again of GIRLS having to do more of the work. Guys can get away with being more lax about their grooming (to a certain point, obviously).

No one mentioned what it must be like for a dog to have aspergers....I bet he has a hard time getting along with other dogs.


but seriously

I see know reason to focus on whether females vs males have it easier unless you want to get a sex change operation.

Yes, I know I have been bitter on these forums. So, I guess I will lay out what's expected of both gender:


Men:
Pros
-Appearance is not as a big of deal for men
-Men can be more slobish
-Can date women up to ten years younger and no one cares

Cons:
-The pressure to get a decent-good job
-The pressure to get built
-The pressure to be socially acceptable.





Women:

Pros
-Can get away with living at home till later ages
-Career isnt vital
-Can show emotion and have it be socially acceptable.

Cons:
-Women tend to advance slower in the workplace
-Women can't date younger as often as men
-Appearance is a big deal for women if she wants a regular looking guy with a decent job.
-A women's dating options diminish at 30....and even more at 35

A woman can be overweight, wear nothing but sweatpants and still get a good-looking boyfriend. A similar man can't.
Women can avoid makeup, tight clothes, etc. and still be percieved as normal.

Really ?

I see many "fat male - think woman" couples in the streets and many "fat female - thin male" as well. It does not seem to be a problem as long as you find someone who likes you.

Plus, females are the first target when it comes to dieting and looking good. Perhaps it depends on where you live because I can feel a difference in England but I can assure you that in France a female who does not wear make up or at least wear trendy clothes is usually considered as someone who is not taking care of herself, who "may not even shave or take showers"... or a lesbian (the lesbians must be so happy to know that cliché).


I really think that the perception we have of the difficulties depend on our gender and the people we have met. Most girls I know are always ranting because they have to do "more things than males to be attractive and have a boyfriend or be socially acceptable" but I have talked with my brother and I know that males are also expected to act a certain way. It's not really the physical apperance, it's more of a psychological, but then again, the pressure one feel does not mean that everyone wants males to be "like that" or female to look pretty.

As a regular looking guy with a built body. I can assure you I wouldn't ever touch a fat girl in sweat pants.

What about the fat Aspie women who aren't attractive? We can't get a man either. We're viewed as genderless and therefore, not worth a man's time. I can't even get a date from online dating sites because they act all interested and when we have a date set up, they wait until the last minute to cancel. People will say, "ohhh, why can't you get a boyfriend?" and I tell them that I'm not pretty enough to outweigh my AS. So I'm an ugly socially awkward girl, which means I'm male-repellant. People tell me to be positive but how can I when I'm always alone. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking that no one will ever love me, I'll never get married and have kids like I've dreamed of since I was 5. So it's not just you guys who have it rough, okay? :/

I hate to say it, but your problem is more than just being Autistic. People get really turned off by people who wallow in their own misery and feel sorry for themselves.

Who'd want to date someone that says "I cry myself to sleep every night"?

Whatever. I just felt like ranting. It's not every night either and I don't tell people that. XD

I'm trying to make a point. Instead of wallowing in misery, do something productive; things that make you happy. Instead of looking for love from a human for the time being, look for love in the things you enjoy doing; doing what you love to do will most likely find you your soul mate, as they'll share the same values you do.

Take this from a guy who was much in your same situation, and for over 10 years got the worst advice possible from everyone, only to finally get some great advice in less than 5 minutes from a now former boss of mine.

I know what I'm telling you; it's why I'm lucky enough to have the gal of my dreams now

I have to say I agree with The Doctor, Erisad. I've read lots of your posts and many of them have a common theme- which is "I suck, I'm fat and ugly, poor me." That kind of attitude is not attractive at all. I know it's hard to get over self-esteem issues but you should try, for your own sake. One of my friends is pretty heavy (maybe size 18-20) and she is the life of the party! Everyone loves her, especially guys. The reason is cuz she is fun and she likes herself.

People have their bad points- everyone does- but you need to focus more on your good points. Then maybe go out and see what happens. If socializing is hard for you, which it is for me, have a few drinks to lighten up or go out with close friends you feel comfortable with.

I wish I had realized this when I was heavier. If it is any consolation to anyone, there was a 5'3, 300 guy at my school who, in hindsight, reminds me of a short Shrek, and girls were just crazy about him. *shrug*

But it is possible to lose a large quantity of weight unless you have an eating disorder.

I was having a bad day earlier. Ironically, I just came back from a date. Weird how that stuff works out. Anywho, yaaaay!