i've spent my life more or less "in therapy." i have never liked one of these therapists. they are always assuming you can be normal if they just figure out how you can get over the trauma. they are bent on convincing you to do things their way. they never give you the listening ear they would need to actually start to understand your mind and your overall level of intelligence. they dont understand how profoundly different you feel. you could have a hundred or a thousand important statements and they are only interested in 1 or 2. i am not good at effectively translating my thoughts into verbal and non-verbal communication in real-time. my ability to do this is significantly impaired and below the level that it will appear to be from my behavior alone. don't you think there's a reason this social discussion environment has never worked on me after a lifetime of therapy?
End of rant, moving on to useful substance.
This person seems to think they see symptoms of hypervigilance in my social disengagement. They think I'm distracted by a compulsion to check the area for threats. this is the FIRST thing this person said to me when I entered the office ("checking out your surroundings? always like to be aware of what's nearby?"). It's obvious to me in analyzing the experience that this is their perception due to the bias they came into it with looking at my life events on the paperwork they required, and I have no doubt about this. During the conversation itself it is difficult for me to make these types of identifications about people's intent and recommunicate accordingly.
Let's take a moment to objectively consider the criteria being hypothesized - PTSD via wikipedia:
A: Exposure to a traumatic event. This must have involved both (a) loss of "physical integrity", or risk of serious injury or death, to self or others, and (b) an intense negative emotional response.
Let's say that you could put the sexual and psychological abuse I endured around age 9 and 10 immediately after losing my parent to fit this. Just while we are exploring the criteria.
B: Persistent re-experiencing. One or more of these must be present in the victim: flashback memories, recurring distressing dreams, subjective re-experiencing of the traumatic event(s), or intense negative psychological or physiological response to any objective or subjective reminder of the traumatic event(s).
The only item here is the last one. The problems are being viewed as a negative physiological response to several types of potentially threatening stimuli. Social stress is being blamed on the trauma, as a subjective reminder somehow of the events.
C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing. This involves a sufficient level of:
avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories;
inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased involvement in significant life activities;
decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain feelings;
an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people.
Ok. But the problem is that I recall and can talk about what happened with clinical precision. I can describe what was done to me and I can describe how close to death I felt when engaging in the inhalant usage. Just because I went through some extreme bullying due to my suggestibility doesn't mean that it is the reason my feelings and moods are different.
D: Persistent symptoms of increased arousal not present before. These are all physiological response issues, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or problems with anger, concentration, or hypervigilance.
This is not a valid explanation for my mood reactions of anger or my social disengagement.
(I left out the last 2 which basically state it has to go on for a month or more and cause a significant disruption to regular life functions.)
This is in no way based on a composite of all relevant details. It's a snap judgement after looking once at my life events and asking a couple of questions based on them, and seeing matching responses based on the hypothesis. They haven't even begun to engage me or my proposed goals. When I explained that when I feel wound up (typically as a result of social stress) I become fidgety and do repetitive physical actions involuntarily, I was flatly ignored. The only thing to do it seems is to take back this perception and attempt to disprove the hypothesis by giving detailed descriptions of the traumatic experiences.
20 Jul 2010, 9:49 am
